Kari Henley: Writer, Speaker, Founder Gather Central

Need Healing From Grief? Tell Your Story

2011-04-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that not a single hour of news on TV goes by without at least one story of death blaring in HD across the screen within the first five minutes? The local news crisply delivers the drive-by shooting, suicide or kidnapping, and the national news shows no mercy slinging death's toll into our living rooms without welcome or question. We sit and watch, unmoved. Some eat their evening meal with these scenes for company.

There has been an inordinate amount of death in our face lately. We watch the horror of destruction in Japan and have hardly a moment to take in a fraction of death's magnitude before we are shown a bloody body being carried around in Libya's revolution.

It is not real in our minds. The story is not ours. When death is so removed from us, we become disassociated from it. Yet, when the moment finally comes that a loved one is taken, there is no preparation. Even though our culture bombards us with death, those in the Western world are largely unable to face, process or share in grieving loved ones, even though it is a natural part of life.

Losing a spouse is often listed among the most stressful events of life. Kristine Carlson, author of "Heart Broken Open,," lived through one of those stories we hear about on the news. She enjoyed an envied and idyllic life as wife to the mega-bestselling author Richard Carlson of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." One day, she kissed her beloved goodbye as he boarded a plane to New York City -- and he never came home. He died in his sleep on the plane from a random blood clot that traveled from his leg to his lung. Kristine was in her early 40s, mother to two teenage girls, and alone.

Her memoir chronicles her process from stricken grief to the path of acceptance, healing and growth in a down-to-earth, accessible manner for anyone who has faced death directly, or is worried about what to do when the day comes. She is now leading grief circles that are shown on her website, and she found that the simple process of telling their stories is a pathway to wholeness.

"When you are in grief, you feel like you are going crazy, like being in a washing machine. It is an emotional life we've never lived before, but it is transformational," she said. "Few things in life prepare you for loss, but when you look back, life prepares you in little ways you never noticed. Once you come out of the process, there is more joy, more light and a sense of security that you survived it."

Her grief circles are run sort of like a book club, featuring an author or expert and a small group of women telling their stories. Bits and pieces are edited together and posted on her website for a larger audience to view and comment on her blog. There is a simplicity to this resource, and it's a stark contrast to the disassociation or avoidance that is the norm. "This is my service work now," Carlson sighed. "I am not coming to this as an expert, but as an example."

We live in one of the only cultures that teaches us not to look at death, and we live in an illusion of control. Conversation is so important, and we have to teach our children that living life means approaching each day as if it were your last. The other day, my seven-year-old daughter awoke with a terrifying nightmare that her twin brother was playing with friends in the yard with nerf guns that were filled with real bullets, and her brother was shot and killed. As I crooned in her hair while she told the story, the nightmare ceased to have power over her, and eventually she could return to bed.

I have led women's circles for many years, and one exercise I like to offer is the process of telling your entire life story in 30 minutes. I have found that often this process of speaking your life's narrative inevitably moves away from the string of events originally planned, and cycles deep into the moments of our deepest pain and grief. It is an exercise that is so simple yet unforgettably profound. The witnessing of such potent sharing is also transformational for those who have the gift of listening, and it creates a fiercely deep and protective bond together.

Here is a video of one of Carlson's grief circles with John Welsons, author of "One Soul, One Love, One Heart, Awakening from Grief," discussing how our cultural stupor blocks us from feeling happiness, and why we feel we have to apologize for expressing emotion:

Are the tragedies of our modern day having an impact of you? Has someone close to you been taken away? Tell your story. Without stories, we rob ourselves of the ability to truly celebrate life.

As always, I love to listen and share your comments in our conversation that continues below. Tell me a story, click on "Fan" if you would like weekly updates of my blog, and feel free to follow me at Gather Central.

What Seeds of Change Are You Planting This Spring?

2011-03-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

The first day of spring is Monday. From my little corner of the world on the East Coast, it has been the longest winter on record. Just hearing the birds chirp again was startling, and the sight of grass was a shock to the eyes. Not only has the winter been unending, but the relentless pound of natural disasters, economic woes and endless bad news leaves a deep longing for the promise of spring at every level. The seeds of change are sprouting everywhere we look.

Historically, March 21 is known as the vernal equinox -- an equal balance of light and dark. It is a nice time to get quiet, go out in nature, plant seeds and embrace the new changes to come. It is also a full moon- neither waxing or waning, but suspended brightness. Spring is a time of quickening, and our energy, plans and mood all elevate with the lengthening of the sunny days. Instead of just letting the equinox pass by, how about using it to conduct an internal once-over? What changes need to be made in your life? In order to make them happen, do you need a little inner spring cleaning?

Take advantage of this time to take stock of what is soggy, melting and slipping away in your life to make room for fresh shoots. What old beliefs or cumbersome habits are you ready to shed? What layers of consciousness need to be swept away to prepare for something new? While it may be tempting to leave the old behind and jump feet first, remember that the equinox is about balance. Simply chucking everything out the proverbial window is not what we are talking about here.

Spring is a time of transition and new growth, and the old wet leaves provide lovely protection while we are trying on a new pattern, or gaining confidence with a new project. Nothing in nature is instant, yet we are often so impatient with change, and want to run from one thing -- relationship, job, focus -- to another, without taking time for balance, rest and reflection.

"Whenever we are faced with a time of change in our life, we often forget how important it is to pause, be silent and alone for a while, or even to take a retreat to truly prepare ourselves for what is coming next," said Madeleine Marentette, founder of Grail Springs Spa and Retreat Center -- a place many go to spend a week doing just that. "Making space for an internal change in life is sacred time and deserves to be given undivided attention."

When a seed sprouts, there is enormous work done underground before it ever breaks through the hard, cold surface. Is change scary? Of course. That inner voice is ready to burst through, but has to open underground, and then with strength, fortitude and an unrelenting push upward eventually burst through with the triumphant colors of the first purple croucus. Often we negate the power of a transition in our life simply because we are afraid of that darkness, or of risk it takes to burst into the new.

People are hungry for change at a very deep level. Look at the transformation in the Middle East as a clear reflection of our collective consciousness. The old ways are going, and fast. Superficial change is not going to cut it anymore. We want to dig down to the "destiny" level of life and live from that place full time. We want to build bridges between the old and the new and spring forward into a new level of global community. Our society cannot afford to continue in the same mindset we have become so comfortable. The tragedy in Japan is a fresh reminder, after the floods in Pakistan and the oil spill in the Gulf that our world needs a fresh spring cleaning if we are to survive.

I have had the amazing privilege of interviewing 100 amazing women during the month of March for the 100 Women of Destiny TeleRetreat. These experts are from all walks of life, including business, fashion, entertainment, authors and activism. Guess what they all had in common? They took advantage of change or transition; they listened to the little voice inside and went for it. They had planted the seeds of their passions, and soon the garden took over.

Tzeborah Berman is an executive at Greenpeace International in Amsterdam. She told me her own story of taking risk and following the voice of change. As a young woman, she saw the deforestation of her native British Columbia and helped organize the largest protest ever- with 10,000 people. She was arrested for her efforts. After lawyers argued and won her case, she went to work for Greenpeace and after ten years, has helped to save over six million acres of trees worldwide. She is now an expert in climate change.

"The world is living the tipping point right now," she said. "The times require us to engage."

On this vernal equinox and full moon, let us all take a moment to pray for those suffering in Japan. For the fifty workers who are giving their lives at the nuclear power plants to protect us, who will not survive the radiation exposure. Let us contemplate what we can cultivate inside ourselves to rise to the precarious situation that lies ahead. If all of us listen to the voice of change and have courage to grow, who knows what can happen? We need strong advocates to feed hungry children, fight for sustainable energy and build bridges to neighboring nations bursting forth wtih the clarion call of freedom. What seeds of change are you planting this spring eve? Tell me your stories below.

Celebrate International Women's Day with the Oldest Woman You Know

2011-03-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard of International Women's Day? I hadn't, until last year, and I have been interested in women's studies all my life. The holiday is widely celebrated in Europe, Africa and Russia -- complete with parades, fanfare and gifts of acknowledgement for the women who make a difference in your life. Who knew? Why isn't it celebrated here? Recently, the whole month of March has been officially proclaimed Women's History Month by President Obama on Feb. 28, 2011.

This coming Tuesday, the world will celebrate with extensive global women's activities. Performer and social activist Annie Lennox will lead a mass march across London's Millennium Bridge for charity. In Washington, D.C. over a thousand people will descend on Capitol Hill demanding a better world for millions of marginalized women and girls around the globe. A major international businesswomen's conference will be hosted in Sydney, Australia. Schools and governments around the world are participating in the day. Trade Unions and charities are campaigning. Global corporations are hosting conferences and distributing extensive resource packs. The United Nations Secretary-General will deliver a formal message.

The first International Women's Day events were run in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland in 1911 and attended by over one million people. 100 years on, International Women's Day (IWD) has become a global mainstream phenomena celebrated across many countries and is an official holiday in approximately 25 countries, including Afghanistan, Russia, Ukraine, Vietnam and Zambia.

International Women's Day is a global celebration of the economic, political and social achievements of women -- past, present and future. However, activity has not always been on the increase. Australian entrepreneur and women's campaigner Glenda Stone created the global hub of events and information. She said:

A decade ago International Women's Day was disappearing. Activity in Europe, where International Women's Day actually began, was very low. Providing a global online platform helped sustain and accelerate momentum for this important day. Holding only a handful of events 10 years ago, the United Kingdom has now become the global leader for International Women's Day activity, followed sharply by Canada, the United States and Australia. 2011 will see thousands of events globally for the first time.

More recently, social networking websites like Twitter, Facebook and YouTube have helped fuel International Women's Day activities. Generally the day has moved away from its socialist suffragette beginnings to become more mainstream in celebrating women's achievements. Women's rights campaigners, however, continue to remind that vigilance rather than complacency is essential in striving for women's equality.

This day has become close to my heart, as I have been asked to host over 50 interactive conference call events this month to celebrate International Women's Day and National Women's History Month in the "100 Women of Destiny Teleretreat." Amazing thought leaders like Marianne Williamson, Lindsay Wagner, Ricki Lake, Lynne McTaggert, Rickie Byars Beckwith and Marci Shimoff will get "up close and personal" with callers from around the world.

This week, I had a chance to talk to actress and activist Mimi Kennedy from "Dharma and Greg" about how International Women's Day helped to spurn the suffragist movement at the turn of the century and galvanized women to fight for the right to vote. Kennedy created a one-woman play called "Waking Matilda" about suffragist Matilda Joslyn Gage with Dr. Sally Wagner, a veteran 40-year professor who received one of the first doctorates in women's studies, and helped established the first college women's studies program in the U.S.

"More than ever, we have to remember the voices of our great-great-grandmothers," said Kennedy. "The causes they were fighting for are still relevant today."

Take a moment to contemplate; just a couple generations ago, women could not work, vote, leave a marriage or even have a say in the fate of their children. "If you were an adult woman 100 years ago, you would have been corseting your body for so many years to achieve an 18 inch waist, that you would not be able to stand up straight without the corset, and all your internal organs would be pushed so far down the abdomen, that childbirth became life threatening," said Wagner.

Women gave away all of their rights when they married. Their husbands could beat them, take all their money, if they had any, and even will away their unborn children. Women had no say in the matter, and had nowhere to turn for help. Imagine this reality compared to today. Most of us saunter around in cozy sweats, and our fellow sisters are flying around in the space shuttle, running companies and wrangling with Gadhafi as Secretary of State. It is truly staggering to take in the strides that have been accomplished in such a short time.

"Matilda Joslyn Gage and the other Suffragists sat around a table and decided to take action," said Kennedy. "Imagine, no phones, no internet, no cars and yet they created a national movement with handwritten letters that took two weeks to receive a reply."

Today the world looks much different, but the need to create social change remains the same. I also spoke with Claire Diaz Ortiz this week, an executive of philanthropy at Twitter, about the modern methods of creating a movement. "As we have seen in the Middle East, change can happen very rapidly now," said Diaz Ortiz. "Non-profits and causes can effectively use social networking to make change like never before."

How can you honor International Women's Day? Check out the official website to learn more about the holiday, including a special "Join Me on the Bridge" campaign happening on major bridges across the world. I will be connecting live in the teleretreat with women in Mombasa, Kenya, who have created the "Listening to the Women of Africa Conference."

To honor the 100 years of International Women's Day, Leni Herscher created a tribute, carefully choosing 100 women who have all made significant contributions to the world from all demographics and walks of life; in a rapid cascade of faces from then to now -- including our own Arianna Huffington.

Enjoy and click here for a full list of who they are:

Who is the oldest living woman you know? Make a point to get in touch with her this week -- give her a call or pay her a visit. Maybe show up with some flowers, or a card, and ask her to tell you what her life was like as a woman when she was young. For it is upon the shoulders of these foremothers we all stand today, and they cannot be recognized enough.

Tell me about her in the comments below, and happy International Women's Day to all.

How to Start a Movement in Three Minutes

2011-02-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

There is something powerful about collective energy. It is the reason we love to go to live concerts in the summer. The beer is awful, the sound system sucks, but the sensation of being swept away with thousands of other people to the tune of a favorite song is magical. While concerts are lovely for the soul, the raw power of revolution and collective energy is all over the news right now -- and changing the world as we know it in a matter of days instead of years.

The little spark of political uprising in Tunisia spurned the "Revolution 2.0" of Egypt, and is now raging with the current surge to bring down Gaddafi. Union workers are standing up, rallies on state capitol steps are supporting the causes from other states. Is there a call in you to join a rising tide?

What is the magic behind creating a movement? Michelle Price, a colleague of mine, shared a gem of a video that offers a graduate level course in leadership by simply observing a mundane scene from a summer day in a park. One guy starts dancing, and it becomes a lesson in how to create a movement in three minutes from start to finish -- starting with one lone nut doing a jig, and evolving into a full-fledged Woodstock style jam session.

Check out this short YouTube video below:

Essentially, a movement rerquires four distinct profiles. Let's check them out, and see if you recognize yourself in any of the categories.

The Leader has the original idea, the driving passion and the guts to stand alone and look ridiculous. In this case, the leader would never have dreamed the entire park would shortly be joining him -- he just felt like dancing! If a calling is within you, dance! Not answering the call is a much greater tragedy. The world needs more "lone nuts" who dare to stand up and try something new. Of course, lone nuts have to realize that most people have no idea what they are talking about, and are not going to follow them directly -- not yet, that is.

The Lone Follower, after watching the crazy dude at the park flapping around like a chicken, is the second guy who comes along and starts dancing, too. He hears the call, gets the vision and is compelled to bring it to the world. With joy, the leader welcomes him in, and opens up space as an equal. The Lone Follower is truly the most under-appreciated role in leadership. He validates the leader's vision, and offers a bridge for the world to follow. If the leader is willing to work in partnership, magic is right around the corner.

The Second Follower is the Pied Piper of the masses, the "connector" or the "sales guy" who knows how to get the message out and make it a party! As soon as the third guy starts shaking his booty and flapping his arms, we have a "happening." The second follower officially begins the movement and is the honey for the bees. The masses want to follow a trend, not start one, and the second follower is the every day Joe. He is the one the masses trust is "just like them" and makes it safe to jump in.

Even though the lone nut leader has been flapping his arms all along, it was too risky for the masses to jump in. New followers will more readily emulate every day folk who show that there is no reason to stay on the fence any longer -- dancing is fun! Most people do not want to stand out and risk being ridiculed, and any good movement must remember this.

The Snooze-or-Lose Follower is a person who still doesn't have a cell phone, and is always the last one to climb on board a new movement or trend. Eventually, the last people at the park sitting around and watching look like wall flower dorks if they don't join the party. The snooze-or-lose followers will step in, just at the point when there is a greater risk not to participate. I am a total snooze-or-lose follower when it comes to Twitter. As I wrote in a previous post, the blogging community is a movement that rocks -- but you better have your social networking manners!

So, dear HuffPost readers, are you a lone nut, a lone follower, a second follower/connector or a snooze-or-lose follower? Each has a most important role to play. How does it feel when you are asked to play a different role than you are accustomed to? How is the collective energy of the moment affecting you? I would love to hear in the comment box below.

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This coming March, a movement is happening to honor the past one hundred years of women's growth for International Women's Day on March 8th. Madeleine Marentette, founder of Grail Springs Spa and Retreat Center, decided to dance her own jig in a park and host a conference call-style event that is free to the public, called "100 Women of Destiny: From Suffragette to Social Networker." She is offering a platform to have intimate conversations with thought leaders from Marianne Williamson to London's Secret Millionaire, and a live feed with women leaders in Mombasa, Kenya.

Check it out, and I will be reflecting on the past 100 years of milestones in the next few blogs. For weekly updates of this post, click on 'Become a Fan' at the top, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter.

How to Make Valentine's Day More Authentic

2011-02-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

One of the most obligatory holidays is upon us. Love it or hate it, St. Valentine is back in the picture.

How often does Valentine's Day truly live up to the romantic expectations? Most agree that it is the worst night to go out to dinner, with rush pre-set menus, tightly packed tables and noise. Those chocolate-covered cherries in the heart-shaped box taste more like wax than food, and Hallmark cards can set you back five bucks for something basic.

How did the holday of love become something so fake and detached, filled with societal expectations of happy couples and miserable singles? Even kids get stressed out agonizing over what card to send to the opposite sex that won't convey the wrong message.

More importantly, how can we make Valentine's Day more authentic? I spoke to Maryanne Comaroto, Beverly Hills relationship expert, author and radio host, for a little advice on getting more out of Cupid's day. Having a "heart to heart" with ourselves is a good place to start, followed by responsible communication with our loved ones.

When it comes to Valentine's Day, are you a cynic, a romantic, an overwhelmed parent, a sad single or a resentful drag? Let's check them out in detail:

The Cynics

"Often one partner is the cynic in a relationship. Men often think of Valentine's Day as obligatory, more so than women," Comaroto said. "The trick to make the day more authentic is thinking about how to turn it from a 'have to' into a 'want to.'" Comaroto suggests checking out St. Valentine, himself for a little inspiration. "If you research St. Valentine himself, it is pretty sexy stuff! Resurrect the fun around the holiday, get off the commercial aspect of it, find what's good, and celebrate that."

The Romantics

If one partner is a cynic, count on the other being a romantic! "The romantics are the ones with these gigantic expectations!" laughed Comaroto. Cupid's commercial arrow strikes, and all reason is thrown to the wind, replaced with dreamy Hollywood fantasies of the latest chocolate diamonds from Zales, armfuls of roses strewn over the bed, and a partner who is present, madly in love and ready for the best sex on earth. Then reality strikes: Valentine's Day is on a Monday, spouse is working late, and who can afford a lobster dinner in this economy?

"To get what you really want, give it to yourself," said Comaroto. "That way, anything that someone chooses to give you is a bonus, as it is nobody else's job to make us happy." Go ahead! Get some scented candles, send yourself to the spa for a massage, or throw a party -- have fun!

The Overwhelmed Parents

Those with young children may see them as SRUs -- sexual reduction units. The time for romance is out the window during these years, and couples who may once have actually enjoyed Valentine's Day are not the least bit interested in sex or romance, as they are just tapped out.

The remedy? "Take control of the day," said Comaroto. "Define what the day means to you as a couple. In two minutes of discussion, create your own rules for Valentine's and take charge of crafting it to get what you want, even if it is agreeing to simply exchange kisses and go to bed early!"

The Sad Singles

Let's face it: there is a stigma surrounding being single on Valentine's Day. But do singles have to be sad? Instead of running away or ignoring the day, why not take advantage of acknowledging what is true for you? If you are happy in your independence, send yourself a love letter! Congratulate yourself for creating a life of self-fulfillment, and do the things that make you feel restored.

If you are not happy being single and the day is an excuse to beat yourself up, what is that? "If you feel blue, know it is perfectly fine to be lonely, and to own those feelings, said Comaroto. "Perhaps it is a chance to have a little chat with yourself, and explore if you are afraid to be alone." If you loathe the holiday, instead of carrying it around as baggage for your next relationship, Comaroto suggests doing a fun ritual. "Have an 'I hate Valentine's Day' ritual in your backyard!" she laughs. It could be fun. Burn a bunch of heart shaped doilies and shoot cupid's arrows at the stars.

The Resentful Drags

"If you can't get over yourself," Comaroto says wryly, "go to a shelter or a retirement home, pass out bags of Hershey's kisses, and ask them to tell you a love story from a time gone by. Open your heart -- who knows what can happen if you do!"

So, my favorite HuffPost readers, will you be my Valentine? Come on cynics, romantics, parents, singles -- tell me a love story from a time gone by, or tell me how you have made Valentine's Day more authentic. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment box below.

Let Go of Recession Depression & Live a Juicy, Joyful Life

2010-12-27T04:43:00.001-08:00

What is the difference between lemons and lemonade? Water and sugar: sweetness. For many Americans, life has been nothing but lemons for a long, long time. The United States has experienced quite a sour decade, and the sting in the back of the throat lingers on and on. The 90s saw a balanced budget, the rise of the Internet, secretaries cashing in multi-million-dollar stock options, and a time of peace. By contrast, the past 10 years were dominated by Bush politics, 9/11, unrelenting wars and a crippling recession that seems never-ending.

Are you looking ahead to the next decade with a bag of lemons in your hands? Millions are out of work, small towns are filled with empty store fronts, most of our retirement accounts are trashed, and our government cannot pass simple legislation without taking it to the Supreme Court. The United States needs to create a new lemonade stand to sell to the world -- and fast. Our nation was able to rise out of the depression by focusing on our ingenuity, inventive gifts, infrastructure and faith.

When life deals you lemons, it is easy to become a "sourpuss" and retreat. Yet, there are those who seem to have bags of sugar in their back pockets, and can whip a batch of lemonade out of a pile or rocks for the world to share. These people are rare gifts. I believe Arianna Huffington is one of these people. I believe our President is one, too.

Linda Joy is another. Feeling depressed? Spend about five minutes with this woman, and she will teach you how to make not only the best lemonade, but inspire the creation of an entire franchise of lemonade stands. Joy is the publisher of Inspired Living Publishing, and author of "A Juicy Joyful Life: Inspiration from Women Who Found the Sweetness in Everyday Life," a collection of stories from everyday folks from Main Street who managed to take adversity and transform it into a gift.

Joy had her share of lemons this year, and had every reason to run under the covers and hide her head. In 2010 her family experienced two tragic deaths, it was no longer feasible to continue her longstanding print magazine, and her husband totaled his truck in a car accident last week before our scheduled interview.

Yet Joy cheerfully tracked me down two days later, said her hubby was OK, and she has to look forward because she is "in the inspiration business." She walks her talk like few I have ever met. This former Entrepreneur of the Year for the state of Massachusetts is no stranger to change. In this same year, Joy reinvented an online magazine called Aspire, started Inspired Living Publishing to offer writers a chance to be published for free, put out her first book, and brought it to bestseller status on Amazon -- in less than nine months, it was the "#1 hot new release" in self-esteem and in spirituality.

"Hey, I'm a former welfare mom who dropped out of high school," said Joy dryly. "Your past does not define you! We can all live a life of joy no matter what comes at you if we release the past, labels and constant negative self talk."

Joy feels passionately that everyone has an important story to tell and is collecting essays for her second book, due out this fall. Stories of overcoming adversity are her specialty - from those who would have never dreamed of seeing their words in print. "We never know how one person's story will impact another," said Joy. "It is what keeps me going."

One of my favorite stories in the book was written by Sue Landis, who had a very successful life as a career business woman in London and decided to take a 180-degree turn in her mid-thirties. Always dreaming of becoming a professional athlete, she explored various options and decided to become a professional polo player -- even though she had never played the game! In one short year, she not only mastered the sport but assembled a top-notch team that won a national championship.

How have you been longing to create a juicy, joyful life? In preparation for the New Year, use this time to open up the cedar trunk of dreams; shake a few out and try them on. Go on -- no one will know! What is your heart's desire? What have you always wanted to create, become, achieve? How does it feel to take a single baby step in the shoes of dreams? Do you still believe in miracles, in magic -- in Santa? When we lose our ability to give ourselves an outrageously tantalizing vision, life becomes dull, stressful and frustrating.

I asked Joy how for recommendations on how to get our cranky, depressed selves into some of this inspirational frame of mind for the coming New Year. Below is her visualization exercise just for the HuffPost community. Come on, let's do this together: make space to talk to your inner wisdom.

First find a quiet place, and light an intention candle. Ask your deepest self, "When I look at 2010 as a successful year, what made is successful?"

After that, follow up with, "When I look at the parts of 2010 that were not as successful, what would I have changed?" Notice your reaction to both questions. The assumption began that 2010 was a successful year -- did it change your retrieval process?

Now, look forward into 2011. Ask yourself the following question: "If I could envision the year I'd like to create, what is the first thing that comes to mind?"

Be sure to pay attention to the very first flicker of an image or voice that arrives in your consciousness, as that is usually a divining rod to the soul, and the answer to follow. Maybe it is an unexpected answer, like more time with the spouse, or learning how to dance.

Once this image has come to mind, thank yourself for the recognition. So often our lives are filled with the "woulds" and "shoulds" of life, so the inner voices of destiny rarely are given the microphone and center stage. Acknowledge whatever vision has come to mind, and let it make you smile!

The final step is about Intention. Ask yourself, "What are two steps that I will commit to take around this thought in the month of January?"

Again, nothing radical; just two simple steps. Close the visualization with words of gratitude for this burgeoning intention, and blow out your candle. That's it!

Everyone needs a lemonade maker in their life. Do you have one? Who inspires you to reach higher, live outrageously and shake you out of your recession depression? Be sure to send them words of gratitude, and make this week a juicy one as we close the decade together. Tell me your dreams for 2011 in comment in the box below.

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If you would ilke a notice to find these weekly posts, please click on "Become a Fan" at the top of the page.

I look forward to sharing the launch of my new company, Gather Central, on Jan. 1, and offering my "Virtual Cafe" of engaging community conversations with many authors and experts I have had the privilege to meet over the years. No boring lectures here! Expect to receive gifts, share powerful experiences with others around the world and get involved. Your voice matters, and we want to hear your story!

The Splendor and the Struggle of Holiday Gatherings

2010-12-09T12:26:00.001-08:00

'Tis the season once again. The menorahs are being lit, the radio stations are running 24/7 Christmas music and the season of parties is just ramping up. Front porches have zoomed from the pumpkins to scarecrows to the holiday wreaths in record time. With the upcoming buzz of office holiday parties, neighborhood cookie swaps and extended family celebrations, how do we juggle the joys of gathering with the struggles?

Humans are not that much different from squirrels, I have come to believe. In my neck of the woods, squirrels at this time of year are truly insane. They scramble around collecting the last acorns and nuts to shove in their nests (far more than they can ever eat), make mad bomber dashes across the street just missing a passing tire, and chatter at each other from tree branches like clucking hens.

Modern humans are not much different during December. Instead of preparing our cellars with food for the winter, we take that "nesting energy" and use it to race from store to store and come home with bags of gifts, bottles of wine, sweet treats and more decorations for the house. We look forward to the excitement of getting together, yet we also feel burned out by the over-stimulation.

Let's explore that collective tension here. We have a longing to gather together in the winter via ancient rituals like the solstice, Hanukkah and Christmas. The people of most cultures share a love of lighting candles, singing songs, spending time with our friends and family, acknowledging our faith and our blessings and gifting one another in various ways.

This desire is fundamental to our internal balance and wellness. Human beings are wired for community and clan-style gatherings. Think of one of your favorite memories in life -- what is it about? Most of our cherished memories are of the times we spent with people we love, and not the things we accomplished or purchased.

Sometimes the struggle of the holidays is balancing our inner picture with reality. Our memories of perfect holidays past may be pretty fuzzy and devoid of the pre-dinner fights, whining over gifts or burned crowned roast that we all know are classic year after year. Despite the stresses of the moment, most people reflect on the season with fondness and often forget the petty stresses that seem so important right now.

The secret to holiday madness is to remember that it is about cherishing and not about charging. It is about sharing and not about giving. Sometimes the silly expectations we set up for having the perfect house, perfect outfit, perfect gift or perfect meal usurp the original intention, and the magic of the moment is lost in anger, tension, frustration or sadness.

This season, adopt a "go with the flow" attitude, and remember that what makes a truly satisfying gathering or memorable gift is your ability to be present. Everyone is happier, and magic can flow out of unplanned moments. The economic fallout has left everyone with less money to spend, but does this have to ruin the holiday? Only if material gifts were all that mattered. We don't have to store our nests with iPads and diamond watches but with love, support and happy memories gathered around a tree a table or a candle flame.

It is known that general anxiety and stress can be remedied by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that is fast becoming the hot shot of neuroscience. Once thought to be relegated to lactating women, oxytocin plays a much larger role in increasing our sense of altruism, connections to other people and even a sense of trusting our government. Think of that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when imagining a perfect "Norman Rockwell" moment -- that is oxytocin flowing through your veins, and it is a powerful healer.

It has been found that oxytocin helps to counter-balance the affect of stress in our bodies. However, oxytocin is not released unless we are together, or unless it is triggered by nurturing images and memories. Think of the genius! When we are stressed out, we often turn to our partners, our family or friends to help us by taking a walk, talking it out or doing something fun to take our minds off of it. Instinctively we understand that we need contact with others to keep ourselves sane.

Gathering with others has a tension of splendor and struggle. Just know that. We want to go to the office party, and then we come home disenchanted. It happens. The pressures to hit the mall, keep up with the Joneses and complete our to-do list amplifies this time of year, making it harder for that gentle oxytocin to flow. How do we create a season of peace?

Here are a few suggestions:

Focus on the moments. Let's face it: the holidays are stressful. No doubt about it. Traffic jams, irritated people, lines, pushing and shoving -- the whole shebang. Focus on the sweet old lady bagging your sweater or the soft hand holding yours while you pick out a tree -- keep those safe.
Don't do too much. Be realistic with your time, budget and energy. If a holiday fundraiser auction is stressing out the wallet, make a polite excuse and stay home with cozy jammies and old TV reruns.
Make time to be with others you love. If all your obligations are for work, create some time to have a gathering with the people who make you happy. Share some wine, food and a few laughs.
Make time to be with yourself. As the season darkens, the time for being internal, quiet and reflective begins. Take some time for long bubble baths, journaling, meditation and inspirational reading.

As always, I love to hear from you, my friends here at The Huffington Post. Our online conversations are oxytocin starters for me! I appreciate those of you who stop by week after week and count you as my blessings this year! Feel free to drop a note below and let us know how you are balancing the season. Cheers!

The Power of Asking for Help

2010-11-29T12:28:00.000-08:00

How good are you at asking for help? How often do you say, "How can I help you?"

The fact is, there are more Americans than ever who need help, but asking for it is considered impolite, a burden, a sign of weakness or simply poor taste. As we move into the winter, many food banks are 100-percent below the stocks required to feed the burgeoning wave of middle-class citizens who cannot put food on the table. One in six is out of work, and a majority of our staple industries are on the list of imminent extinction.

Millions of Americans are being forced to reexamine their career, lifestyle, finances, and goals. Finishing the kitchen with a Viking stove and granite countertop is no longer a priority, because the house is about to go into foreclosure. Stable jobs of 25 years are gone, and the climate of "every man for himself" just will not cut it anymore. The sooner we stop using our fingers to point at one another and instead extend them in a handshake, the faster we can put our innovative brilliance to work to generate new jobs, revamp the bitter climate of our government, and start getting things done.

The fences we have built around our homes and intimate lives are fundamentally counterintuitive, given the community-driven nature we experience naturally as human beings. In fact, new studies suggest that the best way to reduce stress and anxiety is with the secretion of oxytocin, a largely misunderstood little hormone. However, it does not activate when we are alone. Oxytocin is secreted when we recognize images that trigger caring, engage in nurturing activities, or are around other people. We literally need to be with each other to relieve stress.

Remember the days of just popping into a neighbor's house for a cup of sugar without thinking twice? We have to get back to that place. It is impossible to rebuild a new life in an uncertain world alone. We have to learn to ask for help, trust each other, and be willing to stick our necks out to give another a hand. There is so much to do, and we can start by asking for help.

I help run a local organization for women business leaders. It seems that women, in particular, are pretty lame in the asking-for-help category. Yet when an environment is created that is professional, casual and deliberately supportive, mountains move! All a woman has to do is be brave enough to throw out a quiver of a request: "Does anyone know someone who understands Twitter?" We all know what happens next. The six degrees of separation swirl into action, and within three minutes flat, she is all set.

This concept of naturally sharing our skills and bartering for services has developed into a system called "time banking" and is flourishing in Portland, Maine. More than 600 people have exchanged over 20,000 hours of time through the Portland Hour Exchange. Anyone can list various skills or services they can provide, such as a ride to the airport, handyman services, massage, or web design consultations. One hour of time is donated to someone who needs it, and then that hour is "deposited" into the system, which then can be exchanged for another service that you may want or need sometime down the road.

Check out this excerpt from a new PBS special called "Fixing the Future" that aired this past Friday:

Literally everyone has some sort of skill or ability that is valuable to someone else. All it takes is the power of asking to put the wheels of true community back into motion. As one of the exchange members said while giving a sailing lesson, "it is like we are remembering how to be in community instead of creating it."

Most of us share time and services without even realizing it. An acquaintance and I bumped into each other last week, and in the midst of our standard hellos, she said, "Did I ever thank you?" As I blinked at her in complete brain fog, she went on to recap a conversation we had had regarding a challenge she was having with her teenage daughter. She had asked if I had any ideas to help, and I had instantly referred her to a friend of mine who works with adolescents as a therapist.

These types of interactions happen to all of us every single day; they take no time and are second nature. Yet, rarely do we have a chance to glimpse the impact of such a simple act. My friend sent her daughter to this therapist, and she has made a miraculous turnaround. Had she been embarrassed to ask for help, nothing would have changed. How often do you run into someone you know, they ask you how you are, and the answer is always, "Fine." Why do we say this even when we are far from fine? All around us are people who are available to help us in some way. The challenge is being brave enough to ask.

Rebuilding our nation is not going to happen in Washington, D.C. but in our own backyards, and in the faith we can rebuild in one another as resources and support systems for one another. It is time to break the social pressure to be more and have more, and return to the graciousness of our forefathers, who were always quick and willing to lend a hand, build a barn or barter for goods and services.

As Thanksgiving approaches, many who needn't be alone will be. The simple question of "what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" can lead to a revelation. If three or four people you know are doing nothing, why not share a table together? Turkey is optional! Instead of being alone and isolated, create a shared meal. It inspires a community feeling and is a symbolic knitting of our underlying fabric. Grab another table, ignore the dust, and invite the neighbors over: bigger is better.

This week, think about creating your own time bank. Is there something you need help with? Whom can you ask, and what would happen if you did? On the flip side, what can you do to help someone who may not be brave enough to ask? "Ask and you shall receive" is the cornerstone of gratitude, and the foundation of Thanksgiving. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment box below.

Our Greatest Hope is to Give Back

2010-11-14T04:51:00.000-08:00

The tiny but enthusiastic Women & Girls Fund of Middlesex County, Conn. needed money. They dared to ask Arianna Huffington if she would come to speak, and she said yes. Granted, it gave her a chance to visit her daughters along the way to this sleepy rural area, but saying yes reminded me once again what a true honor and privilege it is to write for The Huffington Post, and what a role model Arianna is for everyone who dares to blend brains and heart into one package.

Literally squeezing in time to speak before a live uplink to Larry King, Arianna spoke of the disconnect between the experience of everyday people and what is happening in Washington. For the first time in generations, two thirds of adults believe their children will be worse off financially than they are. The fundamental belief in upward mobility has shattered, and even the most hopeful are picking up the shards of "yes we can" with a deeply shaken resolve.

Many positive changes have been happening in our economy, but we seem unable to let the fear and finger-pointing go. Arianna posed the question: why do we, as individuals and as communities, continue to focus on our deficits? How does this serve us? Why not focus on our surpluses?

"Where is the abundance? She challenged. "With nearly 27 million people out of work, that means one out of six Americans is suffering. Yet, we have an abundance of time, skills and resources that are not being utilized. This is a moment of choice to take countervailing action."

We have been trained by 24/7 news to put a magnifying glass on what is not working. With the change of power, everyone is preparing themselves for a dirty couple of years of gridlock, mudslinging and righteous "Party of No" speeches that will surround our psyches like cicadas on a hot summer night.

Finger-pointing at Washington is somewhat cathartic, but in reality, most of us have a "party of no" going on inside our heads all day long. In fact, most people have thousands of negative thoughts per day! It takes work to turn those negative voices off and instead place the magnifying glass on what is working. Better yet, how about taking a step further and celebrating what is working?

Give back. Strengthening the lives of individuals in our communities is the way out. Inspiring others to do more opens up a life of collaboration and meaning. Out of work? Yes, it is horrendous, but in between the hours of job-hunting, get out in the community; take your skills and put them into action in some meaningful way. Being unemployed wounds the self-esteem so profoundly, the balm of useful work can build a bridge towards unimagined new opportunities that pull towards the future; instead of wallowing in the past.

Seth Reams was one of those unemployed folks in Portland, Oregon. He was becoming deeply depressed, until his girlfriend cajoled him to get out of his funk, put the job hunt aside, and start volunteering. He realized that there were so many people who needed help, and so many who had skills to give, decided to start an entity called We've Got Time to Help, which helps to place those with time and skills with those who need it. The Huffington Post named him a Game Changer, and now 75 cities across the U.S. and in four other countries want to start similar programs.

Dylan Ratigan introduced him at the Game Changer awards. Addressing the audience, Ratigan said:

Can you take the events that are beyond yourself and your own life and figure out a way to not let those events make you feel less powerful, to not let those events make you feel less able, but to utilize those events to empower not only yourself and making yourself more able, but to shift the entire psychology of the way that you deal with the world, from asking a question which is, 'Why did the world not give me this? What can the world give me? Why has the world not given me what I want?' and change that question to, 'What can I give to the world?' as an internal changing of the game, if you will.

Here is a clip of Ratigan introducing Reams, who is clearly stunned at the incredible chain of events that put him there:

In his most recent blog, Reams asks, "We, you and I, are game changers. Do you have the guts to change the game?"

Bryan Nurnberger is another person who took difficult circumstances and reinvented himself through a passion to give back. A professional rock climbing instructor in Colorado, Nurnberger sustained so many injuries that he could hardly close his fist. His career gone, he had no idea what to do next, so he decided to hike the mountains of Mexico. It was there that he stumbled upon an orphanage that captured his heart and changed his life.

He raised funds to help the orphanage, and then was led to a desperate area of the southern Mexican jungle. Over 500,000 people were starving to death, literally living on boiled leaves, as their coffee bean industry had been lost to big name corporations. Nurnberger took the matter to heart, raised more money by bringing people down to the villages with him, and started Simply Smiles. Nine years later, his passion project supplies a full month's provisions of food ($15,000 per month) to over 3,000 people. Some villagers literally walk 16 hours with their family each way to get there. The short-term relief is allowing them to rebuild their coffee crops, and Nurnberger now sells the delicious brew on his website. Need coffee? Check it out and know you are making a difference:

Whether it is converting unemployment depression into a new profession, or just lending a hand, we all can turn our lives around, and those of the people around us. I think the "greatest person of the day" award goes to Allen and Violet Large, a couple in Canada who won $11 million in a lottery and gave away 98 percent of it -- $10.6 million -- mostly to local fire departments, churches, cemeteries and the local Red Cross.

How has giving back helped you through a difficult time in your life? Do you have a passion project? Please drop a comment below and contribute to our weekly conversations. I will be writing more about passion projects in upcoming posts and just may feature your ideas and comments. Follow me by clicking "Become a Fan" at the top of this page.

Create the Space You Deserve

2010-11-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped to think about your house, and the rooms within it, as a metaphor of your life? What is your relationship with your space -- do you love it, just live in it, or wish it could be different? How do you feel emotionally in the different rooms of your home? According to Jill Butler, author of Create the Space You Deserve, taking the time to explore how we feel in different rooms can become a profound inner journey.

Butler went through a divorce, downsized, and documentd her "Extreme Makeover" process of creating her dream space -- the space she deserved. Transition is often a time that triggers the need or desire for a new living space -- any sort of inner shift, celebration or milestone -- and while for some it is a new house, for others it starts with a single room.

"Take a moment and think about your favorite room in your house," Butler said, "And notice how you feel when you are in there." For me, my favorite room is my dining room, of all places. It was recently painted, has big windows, lots of light, and I love the family gatherings we have there.

Next, Butler advises that you think about the space in your house that you most dislike. How is it not working for you, and how do you feel in this space? For me, it is the joint office I share with my husband. Overloaded with unused software boxes, kid memorabilia, and papers everywhere, the space has a definite feeling of chaos. Often when I am writing, I just avoid it all together and sneak into my dining room with my laptop for my most creative work.

"This question about your relationship to your space is not a problem-solving issue but a naming issue," said Butler. "There is a reason people leave junk in their bedroom for 10 years that is deeper than simply being too lazy to shove them in the basement. It is reflection of something bigger."

Interestingly enough, some of the issues we grapple with in our lives are clearly reflected in these trouble spots within our homes. One woman shared that her basement was the space she struggled with. "Everything else is light and just the way I want it be," she mused, "but the inner world, the deepest inside parts of me, are not so bright and cheery at all." She later shared a revelation she had: her basement was linked to an inablilty to let go of worrying about her children, even though they were grown and gone. She is now considering revamping her basement into an art studio, just for herself.

For some, the challenge with a particular space is not so much the room itself but the stuff in it. "I think the whole country is re-evaluating their relationship with their stuff," said Butler. "We are all realizing we cannot afford so much stuff, and it doesn't make us happy in the end. Clearing crud is one of the hardest parts until we realize it drags down our energy and makes us feel bad about ourselves."

One couple decided that they had to "clear the clutter" in a spare room that doubled as a storage space and an office all at once. The husband had lost his job and was studying for a Master's degree. "I couldn't concentrate there!" he laughed. The coupled decided to have a "dumpster party." They pulled up a huge dumpster to the base of their house, opened up the window screens, and literally threw junk out the window, delighting in the sound of the crash as unwanted items landed in an ever-growing heap of relief. Sure enough, once the room was cleared, the thesis paper was completed in record time, and a job offer immediately followed.

With the foreclosure rate the way it is, many Americans have lost their homes or have had to consciously downsize. But the term "downsize" has such a negative connotation. Rather, how about "right-sizing" our homes? For Butler herself, moving from a 5,000-square-foot home to a 1,400-square-foot home was a celebration. "It is very freeing to let go."

Try out the exercise of identifying a room in your house that you dislike, and imagine what you can do to make friends with this space once again -- how can you "repair the relationship"? Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1) Decide: Decide to change the space in some small way to get started, or in a large way like grabbing a dumpster. Making a choice to make a change in your physical space also initiates the inner process of change.

2) Look Around: Step back into that room with a fresh awareness of how it has become a reflection or metaphor for a part of your life that needs changing. Without having to spend a lot of money, what needs to be done first?

3) Rearrange: Sometimes nothing drastic has to be done, just a little rearranging. Maybe a single piece of furniture has to be moved around, removed, recovered or added to change everything entirely. I had a room that no one ever used, and I couldn't figure out why. By accident, we inherited a new leather chair I had no idea what to do with, and shoved it in this room temporarily. To my surprise, it created a harmony that was not there before, and suddenly the kids started reading in there, my husband and I started having after-dinner chats, and the room came to life.

4) Make Friends with What Is: Sometimes you inherit a house or a room that you can't stand, and there is nothing much you can do about it but change your attitude. One woman shared a story about how she sold her dream home to move out of state, hated it, and came back. The only house she could find was not at all her taste, but she had taken it and had silently resented it for years. With a new awareness that it was time to make peace with her house, she bought some sage, smudged the space, painted one room, bought some flowers, and that was enough. She claimed her space.

How about you, HuffPost readers? Is there a space in your house that is a "problem child?" what insights can it offer, and how have you changed your space structurally that led to a change personally? Love to hear your comments below.

Family Meals- the Forgotten Ritual

2010-10-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

When's the last time you sat down and had a meal with your family? And what defines a family anymore, anyway? On a cool, crisp New England afternoon at the infamous R.J. Julia's independent bookstore in Connecticut, I had a chance to sit down with Food Network superstar Tyler Florence. We talked about the many versions of family in his life -- from his kids to the staff at his restaurants to his friends and neighbors who gather for sumptuous potlucks, he loves to feed them all. Florence recently released a wonderful "cookbook for the soul" called Family Meal: Bringing People Together Never Tasted Better.

According to Florence, "Today, there is no single way to define a family. In the simplest terms, it's the people you spend a great deal of time with, care for deeply and trust with everything. Now more than ever, families need to stick together."

To make your mouth water, check out this quick video of Florence describing his personal take on the importance of a family meal:

Touché. The fact that I interviewed a famous chef was something of a joke to my family. As my kids will attest, I can't bake even the simplest Pillsbury cookies pre-made in plastic wrap without burning them, and once I tried a recipe for "chocolate bird's nest" cookies that looked exactly like teeny piles of dog poo. I am adequate at cooking, but I can tell you, I love to eat, and I love to have meals with friends and family together. It is the ritual of sitting down together around a table that nourishes more than the morsels on the plate. Besides, the comedy of some of my creations makes for fabulous dinner conversation!

Home-made food calms us down. Sitting down to a share meal releases the left brain's dominance and allows the gastric juices to soften the edges. Casual conversation blossoms, laughter is easier, and our brains begin to think more creatively after having a break from screens, deadlines and crazy schedules. It has been proven that there's a direct relationship between the well-being of your kids and how often you have regularly scheduled family meals. I also believe a neighborhood that eats together sticks together, and co-workers who share meals have stronger and more productive working relationships.

Let's explore each area of family one by one.

Nuclear Family

Having a family meal together couldn't be more vital these days. Many families have delegated the dining room table to store bills, projects and junk and haven't pulled out a roasting pan in years. As kids get older, the teen years are a frantic sprint from one event to another, with lots of meals in the car along the way. Yet studies continue to show that making time to sit down together at a dinner table sets an important foundation for life.

The National Center for Addiction at Columbia University released a decade-long study in 2008 that remains true in showing teens who have dinner with their families fewer than three times per week are twice as likely to use tobacco and marijuana than teens who have more frequent dinners, and that infrequent family dinners raises the risk of depression and eating disorders. "It is a tragedy that family dinners decline as teens get older," said Joseph A. Califano, Jr., chairman and president of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University.

Even if the meal feels more like bickering than languishing, a foundation of connection, comfort and security is being created when a family sits around the table together on a regular basis. Clear off the dining-room table, grab the cloth napkins, light some candles and dish up the mac 'n' cheese -- who cares? Start the meal by asking everyone to share something for which they are grateful, and watch the atmosphere change for the better.

Family of Friends and Neighbors

Vive le potluck! Whether we live in an apartment complex, home or condo, the people who live around us either become a support network or a reminder of isolation. I find it tragic to weave through so many pre-planned neighborhoods filled with neighbors who daily drive into their garages, close the door, and do not know one another. In such challenging times, neighbors can support each other simply by coming together over shared meals.

Many of us get stressed out thinking that in order to invite anyone over, the house has to be immaculate and the meal a Martha Stewart perfection. Forget it! Instead, try the "stone soup" potluck: call a few friends on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, and invite them to bring over whatever they were going to have for dinner and share it as a big smorgasbord. Our neighborhood did this last week, and we had a hilarious combination of pork chops, meatballs, chili, salads and chips and salsa. The kids had a blast, the parents unwound with a few beers, everyone pitched in to clean, and all left deeply satiated.

Family at Work

In my work in training and community development, I have seen time and again that food can be used as the magic glue that brings everyone together in a way that is more authentic and satisfying than can often be achieved in traditional professional settings. Let's face it, most of the food we eat at work sucks! Power bars for breakfast, soggy sandwich pinwheels for lunch, Snickers bars for snack and coffee, coffee, coffee to fill the gaps. Instead, choose someone on your staff to prepare a home-made specialty for the next committee or board meeting, and watch the energy change dramatically.

A friend and colleague of mine teaches medical residents at Yale Medical School. Each year, he asks the students to prepare a meal from their historical roots, and hosts a poolside BBQ that has become the event of the year. With such a cultural diversity, the meal is a mouthwatering blend of Asian, Italian, Indian and American treats that push the stresses of the hospital to the side and tightens the bonds between colleagues used to unrelenting stress.

How about you, HuffPost readers? Do you make time to share a meal with your friends and loved ones? Who do you consider to be your family? Pull up a chair at our table, grab a glass, and let's share a few stories in the comments below.

For weekly updates from me, click "Become a Fan" at the top of this page. Feel free to share this post with your cyber families on Twitter and Facebook!

Budgeting Tips- De-Stress and Live with Less

2010-10-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Despite the relatively high closing levels on the stock market, and assurances from Washington the recession is officially over, most Americans are feeling the squeeze more tightly than ever. The days of swinging by Home Depot to spontaneously renovate a bathroom, cruising through the mall on a spur-of-the-moment shopping spree, or sampling the latest restaurants every other night is a thing of the past.

Let's face it, living on a budget is hard, saving is stressful and wondering when the tides will turn strains even the staunchest optimist. In my last post, I wrote about the importance of making change in life fun, and living with less is no exception.

Financial strain ranks as one of the highest stressors out there along with divorce and death. Clearly some stressors cannot be helped, but part of the stress of living with less is adjusting habits and expectations. We want to get the new G4 phone -- like, today. We NEED to have an iPad -- really? Many of us remember growing up with less "stuff" than we have now, and doing just fine.

Ratcheting down consumer expectations and mindless habits of spending money as entertainment is a very real issue. The temptations are everywhere. We have far more strip malls than parks, and the temptation to buy something mindlessly is a common way to spend a day. Many children expect to buy something every time they get in the car.

We should take a few tips from the Europeans, who spend their leisure time strolling through the park, or enjoying a single cup of coffee at a local café for hours; entertaining themselves for very little out-of-pocket cash. Americans race here and there to places like Costco and BJ's Warehouse, lug home giant shopping bags of stuff to shove in our houses, and then flop down exhausted in front of the TV to recover.

Penny pinching, however, can be fun -- and current trends in homemade, or do-it-yourself are popping up in almost every industry. Reduce, reuse and recycle is IN, and waste is out -- not because we have become high minded -- but because we can't afford not to.

Everyone is in a similar boat, so why not explore a few fun and creative ways to ease the stress of living with less -- and have a good time to boot. Here are some tips to help curb excess spending, and improve quality of life all at once.

Create a realistic budget. Look at some of the easy "trim" you can take right off the top of your weekly spending. Starbucks lattes, dinners out, or that extra pair of shoes you really don't need. Often it is easy to justify low cost items as inconsequential, but they add up.

Put less cash in your wallet. If it is not in there, you are less likely to spend it. Decide how much cash you need per week, and once that is gone, go home.

Stop buying all bottled beverages. At $2.50 a pop for sugared water, make a vow to prepare all your beverages in a reusable water bottle. Make your iced tea, lemonade or iced coffee at home and take it with you. Saves a bundle in the wallet, and in the landfills.

Start making dinner at home. Even if it is for one or two people, the saving are substantial to make a pot of soup and bread for literally about $10, and have leftovers to freeze, or share at the office.

Grocery shop with a list, and stick to it! I am the worst at this. Do not shop when hungry, as it leads to throwing in extra bags of cookies, snacks and items you don't really need. Figure out a menu and purchase only those things. It is a healthier way to eat, and will save money.

Consignment shopping is hip! Whether you have access to the coolest shops in Greenwich Village or live in the Midwest with boutique strip malls, consignment shopping is a blast. There is something triumphant about finding a favorite label for a fraction of the price. Bring in those skinny jeans and earn some money to buy a new scarf or sweater.

Consolidate errands. Stretch out a tank of gas by consolidating all errands together. Throw the dry cleaning, library books and Good Will items into the trunk and incorporate them into a single trip. Park in one central place, and walk to the various stores within a mile radius instead of driving from one parking spot to another. Don't tell me you don't do this! I know you do!

Trade in the gym membership for a pair of sneakers or a bike. Let's face it, gym owners are not stupid. They know most people pay their monthly dues, and only a fraction of die-hards actually go. If you are not using your local gym more than once a week, ditch the membership and get outside. The stress relief from a daily walk offers mental therapy as well as exercise.

Have a "potluck re-gifting party" with neighbors. Have a potluck evening where everyone brings leftovers to share, and any re-gifting items taking up space in their closets. Put everything in an open living room and have a swap! Grab a new pan, neck tie, band saw or crock pot. A fun theme evening sure to pack in a lot of laughs, and totally free!

Make your own beer or wine. For mere pennies per pint, homemade brew is the new hobby de jour to save on the alcohol bill, and have more fun than a Corona can ever offer. Check out simple recipes and How To's at the Brew Your Own site, and save a bundle on the your beverage budget. Have a blast sampling new recipes as a great way to de-stress from the office. Great for those who do not spend much time in the kitchen -- brewing hops and barley could be quite an adventure!

Trim down the activities for the kids -- they'll thank you for it. All those cute little ballet lessons, soccer uniforms and lacrosse sticks can add up to a bundle. Teach the kids the value of a dollar, and give them some time off with fewer activities. They will discover how to fill their time, and the unscheduled hours can be funneled into something creative if the screens are off limits.

Living with Less can be a great excuse to get out of things you don't want to do. Being on a budget forces not only simplifying life, but also choosing only to invest in those things that have the greatest meaning. There is something very freeing about this, and allows permission to unhook, stay home and restore ourselves with quiet activities our overactive lives are craving.

What do you say, HuffPo readers? How are you trimming your pocketbooks these days? Any fun tips to share? Drop us a comment below and join the conversation.

Balance is Overrated- Make Change FUN!

2010-09-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there living a "balanced life?" I'd love to meet you. As a matter of fact, what does a balanced life actually look like? Does it mean slow, with little going on? Or perhaps it is a life of enviable success on multiple fronts -- spinning plates with ease and flair? I honestly don't know.

For most people, balance is pretty hard to come by these days. Either the job is too much, or there is no job to be found. The kids are overscheduled or underscheduled. Planning a vacation is stressful, and coming back is a nightmare.

I am always living in this illusion that the next season will give me some "balance." During the hectic spring months, I yearn for the slow days of summer with endless stretches of time to reorganize my office, paint that bedroom and just lounge around reading all those fiction novels winking at my bedside.

Inevitably, summer arrives, and somehow the extra time never comes. The office stacks multiply like dandelions, the books plead under even more dust, and I have a tan -- but no balance. The dog days of summer leads to a new line of fantasy; the fall is coming. Then life will settle into a routine and THEN I can balance out my life and feel ahead of the game.

Well, here it is, the first week of fall. The Autumnal Equinox is a day of perfect balance between light and darkness, so this must be the day. Is everyone feeling hunky dory balanced out there yet? I was too busy to notice. In complaining to a friend about this endless whine of mine, she offered a true Buddha moment of wisdom: "Balance is overrated."

Notice that Mother Nature has exactly two days of balance per year -- one during the Autumn Equinox and one during the Spring Equinox. After that, it is change baby change! Each day brings more light or more darkness. The light can be wonderful for external pursuits in the world, and the darkness for inner reflection and growth. Balance is meant to be a fleeting thing.

Mother Nature is no boring sissy. She knows the name of the game is change, and she also knows how to make it fun! The turning of the Autumn leaves has to be one of the most playful ways to make an exit imaginable. The blazes of orange, red and gold that appear overnight astound, delight and are great fun to jump in once they finally fall to the ground. When the first snow comes, children and adults alike feel a playful surge of joy, and run outside to catch snowflakes on their tongue. About 90 days later, with the warm breezes of spring, the blaze of daffodils delight all over again.

Why is it balance gets all the glory, and change is kicked to the curb? Somehow the idea of change being playful, silly or delightful never quite made it through the doorway of the cerebral cortex. When a change feels rigid or overwhelming, we automatically put up a hand to resist. Yet, if a change looks like fun, hmmm, that's another story. I think I'm done with balance and instead am going to embrace the tides of change like a surfer hangin' 10. Change rocks. Bring it on.

Every mother knows that the key to getting kids to change their eating habits is to make the food FUN -- decorate the veggies and down they go. Organizing the office is a lot more fun after getting some cute boxes or containers. Ultimately, surrendering to change as a part of life takes away the guilt that spinning plates is anything less than exactly perfect.

Some friends of mine are making lifestyle changes and losing weight with a fun "Game On" diet that inspires the competitive bulldog, and sets up teams for one month. Everyone chooses a bad habit to let go of -- like leaving clothes on the chair or yelling at the middle child -- as well as adopting a good habit and losing a certain amount of weight per week. The game encourages lots of teasing and taunting -- if you don't make your weekly weight goal, no 'alcohol privileges.' Some teams have resorted to the dirty pool of leaving giant chocolate cakes on the other's doorstep. The fun overrides the hard work; people have a blast, and changes happen.

Imagine being in a busy airport or train station that has an option for a moving sidewalk or escalator, as well as a traditional staircase. What does everyone do? Most herd like sheep to stand in line waiting for the escalator, while the stairs sit free and clear. Check out this very short YouTube video from FunTheory.com. Is is a fantastic example of how easy change can be -- enticing busy travelers to use the stairs with nothing but fun as the lure.

What would the world look like if we adopted the principle that change is vehicle of life, and fun is the fuel? Washington could certainly use a dose of fun these days. So could most office environments, family dinner table conversations and personal goal strategies.

Want to makes changes to go green? Al Gore told us we have to, but we need some fun to really modify our habits. The more fun hybrid cars can be, the more they will sell. Creating art and useful goods out of recycled materials helps us to be motivated to sort the bottles and cans. Here is another example of using fun to encourage people to pick up trash on the street.

How about you? How can you have more fun with change? Love to hear your "fun theories" in the comment box below. If you would like weekly updates of this blog, click on become a fan.

www.karihenley.com

Sleep is Not Just For Babies

2010-09-19T05:32:00.000-07:00

The pages of the Living Section often discuss the importance of sleep and for good reason -- most of us are not listening! A majority of adults are severely sleep deprived, getting an average of six hours when our bodies need eight. Statistics show that over 90 percent of teenagers are averaging three hours less sleep than they require, and the same 90 percent of parents do not think their children's reduced sleep time is a significant issue. How come everyone thinks sleep is for sissies or for babies?

Parents in the United States are obsessed with sleep -- for their babies that is. There must be hundreds of books about how to get an infant to sleep. I know I tried many of them -- including co-sleeping, the dreaded Ferber method and the Baby Whisperer, to name a few. However, our interest in monitoring their sleep dramatically drops off after that, and sleep is no longer a priority.

Why is that? Once we have finally achieved the milestone of getting our kids to sleep through the night, parents move into cruise control and don't keep track of sleep as a health priority like diet and exercise. Yet the impact of sleep deprivation is much more immediate and long standing than eating a doughnut or avoiding working out. A student who drives to school on less than seven hours of sleep is just as impaired in their reflexes as if they drank a beer and got behind the wheel.

With modern families trucking around until late in the evening with work, sports and activities, kids are often encouraged to stay up later at night to finish homework or unwind. Most parents have no idea that even an hour less of sleep can have a dramatic affect on their children's cognitive abilities the next day -- effectively losing one or two grade levels of performance. Somehow it has become culturally acceptable to be lax around bedtime routines. The permissiveness for younger children sets up a dangerous pattern of sleep deprivation as the norm.

For example, loads of parents allowing their elementary aged kids to stay up until 10 p.m. to watch prime time shows like "American Idol" or "Dancing With the Stars." At the elementary level, kids still need close to 10 hours of sleep for optimum health. If they are waking up at 6 a.m., they need to be asleep by 8 p.m. Kids start going to bed later than they should at a much younger age, and it naturally seems OK to push the bedtime out further as they grow older. If a six-year-old is going to bed at 9 p.m., by age nine, they feel entitled to go to bed at 10 p.m., and by 14 they want to stay up until midnight.

"I know my kid should get more sleep, but I give up!" A parent lamented to me by telephone. "What am I supposed to do? He has baseball practice three days a week until 8:30 p.m., and can't even think about cracking a book until 9 p.m., and the bus comes every morning at 6:45 a.m. I guess they just have to adjust to the real world early."

This is a common perspective I have found while conducting interviews with parents. Many of us have not had enough education on the health risks of sleep, and naturally feel defensive, or protective of our children. Common responses include, "My kid is fine, and just doesn't seem to need that much sleep," or a sense that learning to function as a sleep deprived individual is part of the rites of passage to make it in the world as an adult. It is pretty insane.

In the last 20 years, life of a teen or young adult has become successively more intense, with no end in sight. Most kids are addicted to their cell phones and constant social networking, pushed academically at school, physically in sports and socially in public service, until all the hours of the day are effectively squeezed into a vice-like schedule. Many kids are also falling apart with caffeine addition, depression and teen suicide on the rise.

Until I started researching the issues of sleep for an upcoming book, I had absolutely no idea what kind of price our kids are paying for the lifestyle we have created. I knew kids had a lot of pressures that affected them, but sleep? Nah, no big deal. Not anymore. I have become a sleep advocate and so can you.

Here are a few tips to get started increasing the Zzzz's in your house:
Understand the risks of sleep deprivation. In a nutshell, losing sleep once in a while is fine, but regularly is absolutely not. Risks include: obesity, depression, a loss of cognitive function, impaired sports performance and increased risk of drowsy driving accidents.

Have a family discussion. Explain to your children that the brain is very busy at night. It is logging the lectures they learned in school to help them retrieve it for tests, managing the stress and emotions of the day, and strengthening muscles to better perform at their sports. Good sleepers always get the best grades!

Set up a bedtime schedule by counting backwards from wake up time. I have a freshman in high school who can easily stay up past midnight every night texting and talking to friends. We agreed that he needs to get at least eight hours of sleep at night, even though the optimum amount is nine and a half hours. Together we counted back from the 6 a.m. wake up time so he understood that he has to be asleep by 10 p.m. This lessens some of the arguments and helps them assume responsibility.

Be a good role model. Hey, most of us adults are just as bad! Help set a good example by slowing down activities an hour before bedtime, turn off the computer and get out a good book to start unwinding. Try to get a solid eight hours yourself. Everyone will feel better and family life may be a whole lot more pleasant!

*Be sure to check out the college pages of Huff Po to see the "Freshman 8" challenge started by Arianna Huffington and Dr. Matthew Edlund for more tips on transforming our relationship with sleep.
How are you managing sleep in your house? Love to hear your stories below and feel free to click on "Become a Fan" for weekly updates.
www.karihenley.com

What Possessions Would You Take if You Only Had 15 Minutes?

2010-09-14T11:41:00.001-07:00

Mother Nature has blasted her fiery wrath in California and Colorado this week -- leaving a wake of blackness, and heart breaking lessons on the impermanence of our "stuff." A massive fire in San Bruno California burst out of nowhere on Thursday evening, sparked by a broken 24-inch natural gas main. Scores of residents were forced to flee as firefighters battled the ferocious blaze, leaving six fatalities and scores of injuries.

According to the Mercury News, two brothers, Bob and Ed Pellegrini, live near the house at the center of the explosion, and thought an earthquake had rattled the Bay Area. Then they saw the flames outside their window.

"It looked like hell on earth. I have never seen a ball of fire that huge," Bob Pellegrini said.
It was too hot to escape out the front door, so the brothers ran out the back and up the hill, the fire chasing them. It felt like a blowtorch on the back of their necks, they said. Then they saw that their house and four cars were destroyed in the fire.

"The house is gone," Ed said. "I have nothing. Everything is gone. We're homeless."

A few days earlier, the worst fire in Colorado history consumed 169 homes in the mountains west of Boulder. I used to live in that neighborhood, and have been viscerally affected by the image of sacred land being charred as far as the eye can see, and treasured friends literally losing everything they have. Over 7000 acres burned, and the fires are still not fully contained.

Bestselling author Joan Borysenko is one of the lucky ones. Her home lies in the very heart of the blaze, and was spared, while scores of neighbor's homes were burned to the ground. She writes on Facebook,

"Apparently, just as our home did catch fire, the wind, gusting up to 45 mph shifted direction and miraculously the fire fizzled out. (We) found out firefighters saved our house with water and by cutting off burning part of deck, and are grateful to the amazing firefighters and volunteers."

Lydia Gracing shared her experience of waking up on a beautiful Colorado morning to the news no one ever wants to hear. "A sheriff came to our house and told us we had literally 15 minutes to take what we can grab and get out." Imagine. Whether it is the heat of flames or the swirl of flood waters, or wrath of a hurricane -- losing one's home and surrounding land is a shock beyond comprehension.

Here is a clip of a Lydia and others sharing their reactions in the heat of the moment while the fires were just breaking out:

It is so easy to take our lives and our homes for granted. If you only 15 minutes or less to leave your home forever-- what would you grab by first instinct? What would you later miss the most? I posed this question on Facebook and had some great initial responses:

John had a classic "keep it simple" response: "My wife and kids. And my homeowners insurance policy."

Lisa joked on the lighter side: "My purse that has everything in the world and then some in it!! Could live out of it for a while!"

Amy offered a more introspective response: "I have often wondered about this. Obviously my pets and people, but after that I would attempt to gather family treasures -- photos, books, etc. I could care a less about 'Important documents,' you can get a new Social Security card; you can't replace Grandma's recipe box.'"

I think any tragedy that causes loss always makes you grateful for what you were able to salvage, particularly if there are no injuries, and later rue those things that were lost, regardless of what they were. I suppose I would be particularly sad about those things that would be too difficult to take in a hurry: special furniture (my great great grandmother's hall tree), things that are buried in my basement (like my wedding gown) and children's baby things."

Rochelle shared: "Live alone -- no one else to worry about but me -- however there is a picture of my grandmother that hangs in my kitchen taken in the 1920s, she looks like a flapper, and a few other pictures on my walls I would take. And my laptop -- everything else is insured."

Interestingly, many of the comments that came in listed their computer as one of the items to take. It is sort of astounding to notice how our lives and our treasures have evolved. It is as if a small electronic box has become the heart of our lives, the center of our memories, the safe box of our paperwork and an attachment we cannot live without.

When we all take a moment and imagine losing everything in the matter of seconds, life's priorities automatically shift, don't they? The little fight with the kids seems silly, the worries about how to get that project done on time seems less intense, and the temptation to get sucked into political mudslinging downright ridiculous.

What really matters to you in the inventory of your life? What if you could only take a single item -- what would it be? I sat at my desk and really thought about this. Surprisingly the one thing that floated to the top is an antique fountain pen that sits on our piano and holds a treasured family story. My father in law used the cap to hide a special diamond inside when he immigrated to the United States from Poland. The diamond was purchased with all of the money they could scrape together as Holocaust survivors after the war, and represented everything they had, and is an ultimate symbol of love, survival and faith. The diamond sits on my finger now, and will sit on my daughter's one day.

The Buddhists say suffering expands the heart and quickens compassion. If your home is safe and dry, recognize the blessings you have, and allow that gratitude to open your heart. If you are moved to help the victims of these fires, do so. Give money, time, clothing or whatever you can.

For California residents and friends, The Red Cross has a receiving center at the Church of the Highlands 1900 Monterey Dr., San Bruno. And Levi Strauss & Co. announced a clothing donation program for victims to receive a $250 gift card for Levi's(R) brand clothing.

If you live in Colorado, a new store is literally opening up offering anything and everything for fire victims -- bring some of your "stuff" to help another, or contact the American Red Cross at www.denver-redcross.org or (303)772-7474.

School Update- has "No Child Left Behind" Become a Race to Nowhere?

2010-08-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

Starting school is an exciting time, and can be stressful for both parents and children. The carefree days of summer are over, and it's time to get back to work. Trouble is, the level of "work" at modern American schools has become rote, overwhelming, stressful and often ineffective in developing the critical thinking skills necessary to compete. For many kids, school feels more like a destination than a discovery, and a race instead of a journey. For many experts and parents, it has become a race -- to nowhere.

Vicki Abeles is the director of the new documentary called, The Race to Nowhere an in-depth exploration of modern family life: including the mounting pressures on kids to perform, unending amounts of homework, little free time - and the drastic toll it is taking on the health and well being of our youth today. The film has enjoyed rave early reviews, and is currently being screened across the country in schools and communities, complete with discussion guides for conversation afterwards. Abeles is starting a movement -- and it is about time.

Abeles saw the stresses and pressures of modern academic life take its toll on her own children, and offers a vulnerable and painful account of her own middle school daughter spiraling downward into suicidal thoughts, and her elementary school aged son agonizing over homework at night when he should be out riding a skateboard. She took action and began to interview parents, teachers and administrators. She was shocked to discover her dilemma is widespread and rampant.

It has been eight years since the "No Child Left Behind Act" was mandated by the Bush administration. For the first time in history, all children were expected to produce equally, a mold we had never put them in before. While some children are academically oriented, others are creative, or more "hands on." What is the end result? Teachers are teaching to the test so they don't lose their bonus, administrators rely on state exam results to receive funding, and kids are the losers. Students learn to spit out information, and forget it 10 minutes later.

Teaching to the test, and overwhelming kids with content, while eliminating recess, field trips or project based learning has created kids who are stressed out, sleep deprived, cheating to get by, not having time to learn how to think. Some call American education "a mile wide and an inch deep."

I have four children in the school system and have seen the changes myself. Teachers seem resigned at the content they have to "cram in" and hate losing the ability to creatively teach a subject they love, or adapt to the varied needs of their students. They are frustrated, fed up, and many are leaving in droves. It takes a special person to teach our youth, and until we value their role as being one of the most coveted in society, we will get what we deserve. In Singapore, the government selects the top 20 percent of graduating seniors, and offers them a full ride, and a stipend to be trained as a teacher, as they consider it the highest valued profession.

One of the primary concerns Abeles addresses in her film is the issue of homework. Sara Bennett wrote the book, The Case Against Homework and said the amount of homework given to kids has skyrocketed in the past several years. Even kindergarteners are given packets of sheet work to complete each week. Kids are asked to sit in school for seven hours at a young age, and then come home and sit for more. As one teacher described, "it is no longer about learning."

Dr. Denise Pope, founder of the Challenge Success program at Stanford University, said that most of the countries that outperforms us academically give significantly less homework. Studies have shown that homework is ineffective and has no correleation to academic performance in the elementary school years. In middle school, one hour is the maximum amount to be effective, and at high school, no more than two hours.

When parents are honest about it, most weeknights are spent fighting over when to get the homework done, and it becomes the dominant family conversation night after night. In fact, in order to keep the peace, many parents often end up editing, correcting or even doing the homework for them -- which is effectively teaching them to cheat. What sort of message does this send? Family time, private time and leisure time have tumbled to the bottom of the priority list.

The Challenge Success website states, "Educators, mental health professionals, and business leaders agree that the pursuit of a narrow vision of success often leaves young people lacking the skills most needed to thrive in a rapidly changing world--adaptability, interpersonal and collaborative skills, and the ingenuity and creativity to solve complex problems."

Dr. Denise Stipek is Dean of Education at Stanford. She has found a dramatic difference in college students in recent years. "Kids today are taught everything in a formulaic manner. If they see a question that was not on their test, they fall apart."

In a review of colleges students entering into the prestigious University of California schools, such as UCLA, UC Davis and UC Santa Barbara, fully 50 percent of incoming freshman with top SAT scores and honor roll grades, have to take remedial courses in math and English in order to simply be prepared for freshman level academics. Kids agree they often have to cheat, cram and put all their effort into their college entrance resume as the holy grail of high school.

Dr. Pope conducted a massive study to determine how many kids cheat these days. They devised a test the checked eight different ways a student can cheat and found that less than 3 percent of the 5,000 students surveyed had never cheated at school. As one student complained, "the point of school is to learn, not to always memorize. We have to learn to live without sleeping, eating or having any time off."

What do we do about a problem so large, complex and yet so dire at the same time?

• Allow a child to find their passion. Not every kid is destined for Ivy Leagues.
• Be an advocate for children and their unique needs. Negotiate for less homework, carve out more unstructured time for play and private time, and try to create downtime in the evenings to relax.
• Define Success on Your Terms. Consider the qualities you want your children to have as adults, and allow them to make mistakes. "If we take the play out of childhood, we take away the tools to learn how to be an adult," said Pope.

On a larger societal level, Dr. Stipek stresses, "The United States needs to rethink how we do schooling, and how much we invest in the next generation. If we don't invest up front, we pay for it at the back end in prisons, welfare, health care and all the ways individuals and society suffers."

For all you parents and grandparents are out there feeling anxious about another year of meltdowns, break downs and overwhelm, check out the website for Race to Nowhere and try to catch a screening in your area. New York will be running the film starting Septermber 10th for a week at the IFC Center, and Los Angeles will do the same at the Laemmel's Sunset 5. Let's join Abeles in her movement to restore balance to our children's lives, and start out own discussion here with any comments and suggestions on how improve the balance of education for our children.

*Want to hear more? Listen to Kari and Vicki Abeles discuss the issues on the Lifestyle Mom Radio Cafe from LA Talk Radio.
www.karihenley.com

Reclaiming Spare Time

2010-08-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

As summer wanes -- have you been busier than ever, with nary a moment for spare time? As I wrote last week, American's are not so great in the vacation department. To both save money this year, and manage our collective stress madness, I suggested trying out a simple home-grown retreat as a way to recharge the batteries. Part of the magic of a retreat is having spare time.

There is something nostalgic about spare time. Like an old friend you knew once and with whom you somehow lost touch. Spare time sits on the side of a broken fence, wheat stalk between its teeth -- daring us to watch puffy clouds. Or it's floating around the pool instead of hen-pecking at the keyboard. Spare time beckons, yet few can hear the whispers over the whir of cpu's and blare of CNN. How do we rope, lasso and reclaim Spare Time?

For many of us, having a moment or two to spare has been replaced by the unending bleeps of text messages, incoming email, unending tasks and hectic schedules of work and family. Most of us cannot make it through a single hour during the day without checking email. Scientists warn these constant interruptions affect the brain's ability for concentration and deep thought, and we truly cannot multi-task as well as we think we can.

When I was growing up, the TV shows on air included Andy Griffith -- the ultimate in spare time. Remember the theme song whistle during the opening shots; Andy heading out fishing with little Opie? Everyone stood around a lot, talked to each other and managed minor small town incidents. We certainly couldn't have a cop show like that now, with a lot of hanging out, instead of busting up drug rings. Does anyone have time to whistle anymore?

My other favorite childhood show was the Brady Bunch, (which I heard was Michelle Obama's favorite too). They had a LOT of spare time -- even housekeeper Alice. All those kids hung out together after school, went on vacation, sang in a band with matching costumes; and those of us watching had enough spare time to memorize every single episode within the first five bars of the opening scene.

What if the Brady Bunch was set today? Imagine Carol running with her super size Starbucks in her super size mini van, conducting a meeting on her cell while in route to take Bobby and Cindy to soccer practice, Jan to her violin lesson, Greg to football and Marsha to cheerleading. While Mom is multi-tasking, the kids are plugged into iPhones, cell phones, texting and checking emails. No one is talking to each other, unless it is to pick a fight, and they certainly are not singing, "We're Gonna Keep On, Keep On, Keep On Dancin' All Through the Night."

The temptations that prey upon our time are in a different stratosphere as they were a generation ago -- hence spare time is relegated to the back pasture of our lives. However, I suspect a lot of the activities that consume all hours of the day and night are not as important as we think they are, and learning to step back and evaluate priorities could help generate some vital time... to do nothing. Maybe Dr. Laura could use some spare time from her radio show to chill out a bit.

Here are a few tips to reclaim Spare Time:

Email Self-Control -- Declutter your inbox by unsubscribing to anything you don't need or read regularly, and try not to continue long email conversations that aren't necessary. One of Therese Borchard's tricks is to take weekend breaks from her computer. Imagine! This is a great way to scrounge up a ton of free time -- think of it as email Sabbath, (Reading this column, however, is an acceptable exception).

Social Networking is junk food, plain and simple. Let's face it -- Facebook is the Doritos of friendships and Twitter is a super size box of Fries. Both are tempting, and both are ultimately not all that healthy. Take the time for some "slow food" -- home-cooked friendships that require face-to-face time. If you are IM'ing someone in your office, get up and try walking over for a change. Facebooking your best friend? Pick up the phone or stop by; imagine how you look from space, hunched over terminals sharing the daily chatter.

Find the "in-between" moments of the day to embrace as spare time. Driving is a great opportunity to do some deep breathing, turn off the noise in your head, and notice the scenery around you, rather than listening to talk radio, eating, or talking on the cell phone. Find the moments in the shower, doing dishes or walking the dog to flatten out as buffer zones of nothingness.

Force yourself to be bored. Remember being bored? It is the MacDaddy of spare time. Kids today think five or six seconds of spare time equals being bored, and many adults' tolerance for unfilled moments is not much better. Set aside several hours once a month with nothing particular to do and see how it affects you.

Sometimes Spare Time saunteres into our lives when we least expect it. Spare Time roped me in by force recently and it was not comfortable. To rebel, I chose to fill the time with all sorts of backlogged projects like putting together good will donations, painting peeling trim, and clearing up the yard. At long last, I surrendered (the key) and just hung out. It became rejuvenating and felt great.

We are not wired to go 24/7 with mental chatter. Sometimes just listening to the wind blow is enough to keep you from going over the brink. How does good ole' Spare Time show up in your life these days? Love to hear your comments, and please click on Become a Fan to receive weekly notices, or follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

Can't Take a Vacation? Make Your Own Retreat

2010-08-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

Americans are hardly in a tropical vacation getaway mood this summer. Many do not have vacation benefits, scores are out of work on a 'never-ending' vacation, and others are too afraid to take time off for fear of job security. As I wrote in an earlier post, American's are the worst vacationers, and the United States is the only developed nation that does not offer paid vacation as a required benefit. Millions do not have paid leave, and have not taken a vacation in years.

Despite the obvious benefits of getting out of the office, evidence continues to prove that when an employer offers paid vacation time to employees, it can dramatically improve performance, increase productivity and reduces stress. Funny thing is, while it is easy to point the fingers at the "big bosses" out there who are withholding paid vacation, many workers who have such benefits don't take a vacation at all -- and accrue weeks of unused time.

What if your employer offered unlimited paid vacation, with no strings attached -- too good to be true? Rosemary O'Neill and her husband, Ted, own a small business called Social Strata, and decided to do just that -- for all 10 of their employees. Initially, they wanted to help one employee who needed time to care for her injured husband, and decided everyone deserved the same option. Did their staff take off to Mexico for a month and abuse the privilege? Hardly.

"The staff were all surprised at first, because it really came out of the blue." said O'Neill, "But then there was a really warm feeling as everyone digested what it meant in reality. Everyone has expressed that they feel trusted and respected, and that was a big part of our goal."

Social Strata requires everyone to take two weeks off each year - removing any pressure not to take a vacation. Their flexible policies represent a small but growing segment of companies throwing traditional work hours out the window, with great success. Netflix has offered unlimited paid vacation for nearly a decade.

The genius of this concept is giving responsibility for renewal and self care back to individuals. Some employees with unlimited paid vacation elect not to take time off for three years, and then take a 90-day dream trip. Others use the time for paternity leave. Ultimately, a vacation is a state of mind. The purpose of a vacation is to leave your routine and slow life down a few notches. Some choose a fishing trip, others go antiquing in quaint towns and many rejuvenate with physical sports in the surf and turf.

Why is it so many American's don't take vacations anymore? Maybe because typical vacations have become as complicated as the rest of our lives. The reality for many is that a vacation requires planning, organizing, packing, buying crap, arguing with the spouse, fighting with the kids and coming home more exhausted than before. With life so frenetic these days, our tolerance for stress is maxed out.

Jon Kabat-Zinn argues that in an age of 24/7 connectedness, we're hardly ever connected to ourselves. Maybe we aren't taking vacations because what we really want is a retreat -- simple, quiet time to leave everything battery operated and screen flicking behind, to be alone, be quiet and recharge the batteries within. Aahhhh.

But wait! Taking a retreat can be scarier than a vacation. What? No phones, computers or checking in? What will happen? Our addiction to email and 'checking in' has become a near obsession. I have asked audiences recently how many times per day they check their emails. Five years ago it was a couple times per day. Now, even the older population confesses to checking emails nearly hourly at this point, and feels anxious if several hours go by without a quick peek, let alone days.

Even though we resist, "getting away from it all," it is vital to our health. The brain needs time to rest in order to channel deep thinking, get creative, imagine new projects and be inspired for daily tasks. With the "dog days of summer" officially over, there are just a couple of weeks left. Haven't taken a vacation and feeling a little stressed, or depressed? Consider creating a retreat just for you. Start with just a few hours, and then build up to a full day, or even an entire weekend.

First: a question. If you had four hours of uninterrupted time all to yourself, with no chores to finish, tasks to accomplish or people to see -- what would you do? Think carefully. Often the answers are exactly what you need to do for your retreat. Some common answers include: take a bath, read a book, go for a hike, or walk in the garden. I am consistently amazed that most of the answers people come up with are absolutely free!

Now that you have an idea or two, here are a few tips to plan your retreat:

Determine how much time you want to take. Be realistic. Sometimes it may be only 30 minutes! Even a little bit goes a long way.
If you plan to be unavailable for longer than a few hours, program your email with an automatic vacation reply. Sort of sneaky, but it helps your brain unhook and relax.
Prepare your space. If you are going away, leave computers and PDA's behind. If staying at home, cover all TV's and computers with lovely fabric and pull the batteries out of the cell.

Ok. Retreat time has arrived, what to do now?

Indulge in silence. Silence is a lost art. Try to take time to simply be still. Notice the sensations or urges that come up to be occupied. Just let them go and BE.
Choose one or two of the ideas that are deeply relaxing to you, and spoil yourself. Take a bath with candles, a cup of tea and bath salts. Going for a hike? Bring along some paper and stop along the way to contemplate, jot a poem or draw a picture. Let the right brain take over for a while.
Do something indulgent, like watching TV in bed with a bowl of ice cream in the middle of the afternoon, or create a homemade altar space to meditate.

Taking a retreat is not always easy -- just being with ourselves? Scary. Jennifer Louden, best selling author of the "Women Comfort Book" series, recognized she had to escape the rat race to THINK, and decided to take a month-long retreat from the world this summer: no emails, texting, Facebook or checking in. She felt she had to step away from daily obligations in order to access the deeper contemplative tools needed to move from one project to the next. She captures the fear of letting go beautifully in this post from afar, called "A Pile of You."

How about you, HuffPo readers? Have you escaped the world to be alone with yourself this summer? How did it go? Love to hear stories of what happened, how to truly unwind on a vacation or retreat and ideas to share. Enjoy!

www.karihenley.com

Can You Change Your Mind by Changing Your Sensations?

2010-07-31T11:31:00.001-07:00

Does the body affect the mind, or the mind affect the body? Tony Robbins has been featured on the Living section recently with his "Breakthrough" series, and one of his favorite sayings is if you don't like something in your life, simply "change your mind."

Yet, Dr. John A. Bargh of Yale may disagree, and has shown our mind is constantly being shaped by the things we encounter in the physical world, right down to the hardness of our chair. "The old concepts of mind-body dualism are turning out not to be true at all," Bargh said. "Our minds are deeply and organically linked to our bodies."

Bargh is a professor of psychology and cognitive science, and coauthor of several studies exploring the powerful influences of our senses in a decision making process. In 2008 he conducted a study with Yale Ph.D. student Lawrence Williams, now of the University of Colorado, which found that people judge other people to be more generous and caring after they had briefly held a warm cup of coffee, rather than a cold drink.

People were asked to hold a cup of either hot or cold coffee for a moment before answering questions, and had no idea it was part of the experiment. They were then asked a few questions and offered cash for themselves, or a gift certificate for a friend as a thank you gift. Those who held hot coffee were more generous, and chose a gift certificate for a friend, and those who held the cold cup chose to keep the cash. Remarkable such a quick and simple change of sensation affects an impulse like generosity at a primal level.

Imagine the power of such knowledge. Want to get a really nice gift from your spouse? Give them a hot java right before going into the store -- so calculating. Need to be a tough negotiator for a critical meeting? Hold on to an iced tea and then get in there ready to rumble. Is it that simple?

Bargh has just released a new study that expands this concept of our physical sensations affecting our decisions with a new series of experiments. They discovered if interviewers held a heavy clipboard, compared to a light one, they thought job applicants took their work more seriously, and subjects who read a passage about an interaction between two people were more likely to characterize it as adversarial if they had first handled rough jigsaw puzzle pieces, compared to smooth ones. Think of the terms "hard-hearted" or an "old softy."

Price negotiations were part of the experiments, and those sitting on hard chairs were not as open to negotiation as those on comfy chairs. "We have a basic idea of hardness being resistant to change -- that is what hardness means. We also have an idea that softness has a greater ability to give," said Bargh.

Maybe the hot summer is making me a bit cheeky, but perhaps we can take this information to Congress. Can you imagine if all senators on the floor be required to sit in soft, cushy chairs to be more amenable to negotiation, handle soft puzzle pieces while reading a particular bill to lessen the venom of debate, and drink only hot coffee before pontificating on the floor to think kind thoughts of their colleagues. Maybe THEN we could actually see some compromise, resolution and movement in getting things done!

And maybe I will arm myself with this knowledge as a parent. When the kids are in trouble, I get the hard chair, and they get the soft couch for extra emphasis. When it is time to discuss why one child made the other cry, they first have to hold a hot drink before we begin our instructive chat to encourage a peace treaty. Get the idea? Manipulating the subtle aspects of our environment impacts our thinking, so why not make it conscious?

According to Bargh in an interview on NPR, the yogis had it right that the only way to experience true thought is to have a level of sensory deprivation like going into a dark cave with no stimulation. Otherwise, we are constantly being affected by the world around us, and the physical environment we interact.

As we grow, toddlers explore their world strictly through their physical experiences which form the basis for more abstract concepts like a "warm smile" or a "hard negotiator"-- abstract terms to describe the connections from body to mind. If you touch something warm, the idea of warmth is activated and translates to people being warm. You behave more warmly, generously and pro-socially than if you had touched something cold.

Making breakthroughs is never easy. Learning to overcome our fearful thoughts, negative emotions and inner judgements is incredibly powerful when training the mind with meditation, therapy or empowerment techniques - but maybe some of the answers are to be found right under the seat of our pants.

What say you, Huff Po readers? Let's explore some of the connections between our bodies and our mind, and all the common phrases that demonstrates the ongoing link between sense and reality. (Just grab a hot cup before you comment please!)

The Benefits of Fathers as Primary Caretakers

2010-07-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

How often do we equate the word "father" with "caretaker?" Until fairly recently, most men were expected to garner power, fame and fortune outside of the house, and serve a more ancillary role in raising kids. Not anymore. The number of fathers solely responsible for the care of their children is growing at a rate almost twice that of single mothers, and now numbers over 2 million.

With the ongoing impact of the recession, 80 percent of people being laid off are men, and tens of thousands of fathers are being thrown into new roles at home. Whether the role of full time Dad comes as a conscious decision to spend more time with the family, or due to circumstance - fatherhood is evolving.

Women have dedicated the past 40 years establishing an equal footing in the professional world, and have now achieved a 50 percent presence in the workplace. Now, a quiet but powerful revolution is beginning to happen on the other side. More men are staying home and not only liking it, but discovering how powerful and important their presence is for child development.

When guys are home parenting, you can bet there are a lot more games of Superman crashing through the house, soccer outside and creative meals made in one pot, but studies show kids benefit equally from a house run by a single mom or dad. As many modern parents know, the old adage that men 'aren't as good at parenting' reflects more a fact of lack of practice or opportunity, than aptitude.

Jeremy Adams Smith, is author of The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Fathers, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family, now available in paperback. He is holding the primary parent role in his family, and has done extensive research into parental roles. He writes:

Where once it was thought that the minds and bodies of men were hardly affected by fatherhood, today scientists are discovering that fatherhood changes men down to the cellular level. For more than a century, it was assumed that mothers, not fathers, were solely responsible for the care, life choices, and happiness of children. In recent years, however, we have discovered that father involvement is essential to a child's well being, and that dads provide unique kinds of care and play that mothers often do not.

In so many ways, raising a family remains slanted in our collective psyche towards the more feminine interests and styles. Full time Dad's often feel awkward at the library "play groups" and feel like an outcast on the playground. Yet, when men become involved with their children, it helps bolster their self-esteem, improve performance at school and keeps them from high risk behaviors. While women have demonstrated different, but equally effective methods of leadership in the boardroom, men are standing up to redefine how to run a household.

One of the most creative and effective ways to explore the complexities of changing social systems is through storytelling. So, for all you Dad's who are out there manning the stove, changing diapers, driving the teenagers and taking primary responsibility for watching the kids, have I got a wonderful summer reading book for you. After all, I highly doubt the "Twilight series" is on the top of any macho reading list.

Home, Away is a new fiction book about a Major League Baseball player who quits the big leagues in his prime -- and gives up a $42 million contract -- to care for the son he lost in a custody battle years before. Written by Jeff Gillenkirk, freelance writer and former speechwriter for New York Governor Mario Cuomo, the story evolves from his own experience as the divorced father of a teenage son.

"This is a story about someone struggling with the conflict between work and family that so many people face: how can I have a career and raise a kid?" said Gillenkirk as we chatted by phone this week. Part of this story is inspired by divorced Arizona star Matt Williams, a major league baseball player who decided to leave the sport to spend more time with his family -- a brave move in a very masculine sport.

Whether or not you like baseball, have been in a divorce or raised a child single-handedly, this is a fun and quick read that reflects the complexities of relationships, the up's and downs of life, and the necessary sacrifices that are often required of both men and women in the long journey of parenthood.

Publicist David Jacobsen of Chin Music Press commented, "A stay-at-home dad myself, I can attest to the fact that there are really no novels that grapple with the conflict between a man's ambition and the love of parenting. Home, Away is about that conflict, set against the dramatic backdrop of professional baseball."

Gillenkirk is an advocate for educating men about the importance of early involvement in their children's lives. He plans to use his fiction novel as a tool to help men talk about the importance of being involved with their kids, as they are going through mandatory parenting classes before formal divorce. He meets with prison inmates to explore the generational toll of absent fathers, and high risk behavior.

"If Dad's get involved at the beginning, they become bonded and so involved, it stays for the rest of their life," said Gillenkirk. "It often boils down to men not taking the opportunity to parent, and always default to work taking precedence."

If books are not your cup of tea, there is a great new documentary out called The Evolution of Dad, written and directed by New Jersey-based stay-at-home dad Dana Glazer, who sees the shifting landscape of fathers, and recognizes this is a time unlike the generation before, or the generations to come. According to The New York Times, "Dads like Glazer are redefining the role, rejecting old expectations while still answering to them, knowing they don't want the earlier model but not yet certain what the new model should be."

Check out this emotion-filled YouTube clip of the film that this is sure to awaken the special place Fatherhood holds in our collective hearts.

WATCH:

Evolution of Dad - Introduction from Evolution of Dad on Vimeo.

As Ed and Deb Shapiro often cite here on HuffPo, "Be the Change." How are men redefining the role of caretaker in your experience? Love to hear your comments and stories below. Feel free to click on "Become a Fan" to receive weekly updates.

Caffeine and Alcohol: a New Fad with a Bad Buzz

2010-07-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Red Bull, Rock Star, Jolt, Monster, Amp -- heard of these beverages? As the summer sun blazes, and late night parties abound, there are a lot of sleepy folks out there reaching for energy boosting drinks to get through the day. And if that was not enough caffeine for you, when it's time to hit the bar scene, move over Carrie Bradshaw and the girlie Cosmo -- the beverage of choice at local hot spots is blending high caffeinated drinks like Red Bull with vodka. The common belief is that "You can dance all night on Red Bull cocktails."

Red bull is a heavily caffeinated energy drink spiked with additional stimulants, and when mixed with vodka or other liquor, it can diminish the awareness of drowsiness, feelings of un-coordination and intoxication. However, studies show the added caffeine only makes you think you are more in control. A new breed of high caffeine and high alcohol drinks are now on the market, like Joose and Four Loko, with double the amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee, and double the amount of alcohol as a beer. The drinks are currently being outlawed in Europe for kids under 12. There is no legal age limit to purchasing energy drinks, and about 30 percen of 12- to 17-year-olds admit to regular use.

This week, New York Sen. Charles Schumer is urging the Federal Trade Commission to investigate the marketing of flavored alcoholic beverages with caffeine that appear to be explicitly designed to attract underage drinkers. In a letter to FTC Chairman Jon Leibowitz, Senator Schumer said that the colorful cans of new drinks like Joose are designed to befuddle parents and police with labels that resemble nonalcoholic energy drinks, and use very small print to disclose alcohol content of up to 12 percent.

Researchers in Brazil examined the motor skills performance of people who had drank an equivalent amount of alcohol, but half had drank it with red bull mixers, and the other half with non stimulant mixers. The group that drank the red bull cocktails self-reported feeling less drunk on a number of measures than the non red bull drinking group, but when tested on motor skills performance, and other quantitative measures of intoxication, performed equally badly.

Last November, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration notified more than two dozen manufacturers of caffeinated alcoholic beverages that it has never specifically approved the addition of caffeine to alcoholic drinks and began studying whether it is unsafe and should be outlawed. The agency noted the mix's growing popularity among up to 26 percent of college students and its potential health and safety issues. They included a Wake Forest University study that students who combine caffeine and alcohol are likelier to suffer alcohol-related injuries than those drinking alcohol without caffeine.

Dr. Yifrah Kaminer, Professor of Psychiatry & Pediatrics, and researcher at the Alcohol Research Center (ARC) at the University of Connecticut said:

"To appeal to adolescents and young adults, many energy drinks carry names that have clear marketing reference to psychoactive drug use such as Cocaine and Blow, whereas others have names that glamorize antisocietal behavior like Pimp Juice and Venom. These beverages have been marketed as legal alternatives to gain status as cool beverages."

While some of this is not new, the rate has been rising. Approximately a quarter of college students reported mixing high-caffeinated drinks with alcohol during the last month. A majority of students studied listed the main reasons for drinking high energy drinks and mixing them with alcohol include coping with insufficient sleep, increasing energy, and increasing fun with alcohol at parties. Regular consumers of high energy drinks tend to consume alcohol more frequently than nonusers.

These students got drunk twice as often as those who consumed alcohol only and were far more likely to be injured, require medical treatment, or ride with an intoxicated driver. Among college students drinking high caffeinated drinks, weekly jolt and crash episodes were experienced by 29 percent, headaches by 22 percent, and heart palpitations by 19 percent. The combination of fluid loss from sweating and the diuretic properties of caffeine can also lead to dehydration, particularly among athletes and party goers.

What is all this about? The use of caffeinated drinks in general has soared in the past five years. In 2008, annual sales of high caffeine energy drinks accounted for $3.2 billion in the United States and $7.8 billion worldwide.

Caffeine is best known for its "wake-up," effect. Consuming 600 milligrams (about six cups of coffee) or more daily, can cause nervousness, sweating, tenseness, upset stomach, anxiety and insomnia. It can also prevent clear thinking and increase the side effects of certain medications, and represents a significant health risk. Caffeine can be mildly addictive. Even when moderate amounts of caffeine are withdrawn for 18 to 24 hours, symptoms such as headache, fatigue, irritability, depression and poor concentration are common.

It is a slippery slope. Many youth today think they need caffeine to stay awake in school, need alcohol to wind down and now need both to stay awake while relaxing with friends. Most adults are the same. Have we lost our ability to rely on our inner rhythms of life? What the matter with being a "clean machine" role model for kids and college students? Let's start a conversation about this subject. Should youth be allowed to drink massive amounts of caffeine, and is it safe to drink high-dose energy drinks and alcohol? Love to hear your thoughts and comments below.

Independence Day Starts From Within

2010-07-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

The Fourth of July holiday brings classic poolside picnics, hot summer nights, ice cream cones and local parades. At night, fireworks explode in the sky -- sometimes synchronized to the 1812 Overture -- and Americans have an opportunity to celebrate the exquisite privilege of living in a free country.

Except, the problem is, despite the fundamental freedoms created by our founding fathers, many modern Americans don't feel free at all. Countless citizens are half-heartedly waving tiny flags, eating hot dogs and staring at the explosions of color in the sky, while suffering an inner imprisonment about how to pay next month's mortgage, find a new job with flexible hours, grasp the extent of the oil spill's damage, or mend a broken heart.

Ever feel sort of like a colonist: nothing is going right, someone is holding the strings of your life and all attempts to break free end in further pain and suffering? It's hard to wax sentimental about the greatness of our country when the inner life feels beholden to the "King George" tryanny of fear, negative self-talk or emotional dependence on others.

It doesn't have to be that way. Independence Day starts from within. Every July, for the past 234 years, Americans take the time to celebrate our Independence from oppressors. And, since the outer world always mirrors the inner world, perhaps the Fourth of July is a perfect time for a little introspection, liberation and celebration as well. Wasn't it Emerson who penned, "the unexamined life is not worth living?"

How do we declare a "Declaration of Inner Independence" this year? Let's start with the original words from the Declaration that freed our Nation as a model, and apply it to ourselves:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Life. What holds you back from fully engaging in life? Are you afraid to let go of the past and take a giant leap of faith towards manifesting your dreams? If you could do one big thing before you die, what would it be? Light a little sparkler and allow the childlike thrill of watching the sparks fly serve as a guiding symbol of your resolve to do whatever it takes to suck the marrow of life's bones. If our founding families could do it, so can we. Celebrate your life, and make it count every day.

Liberty. Do you feel free -- really free? If not, what is holding you back? Is it voices from the past, telling you that you are not good enough, can't do it, aren't smart enough, not capable enough or don't deserve it? Make a declaration to unshackle your spirit from the tyrannous fears that have prevented you from experiencing deep liberty -- freedom. Having liberty means trying something you didn't think you could do, and failure is a wonderful teacher; infinitely more satisfying than being tied to the sidelines.

Pursuit of Happiness. Why do so many of us deny ourselves the value of seeking happiness? Notice the key of this final phrase in the Declaration lies in the word "pursuit." It matters not if your invention ever becomes a reality, if your book is ever published or if your paintings ever go beyond the walls of your home. The ability to pursue that which makes us happy, purely for the sheer joy of it, is an unalienable right we so often neglect. Declare your independence by doing something crazy, silly and altogether useless -- just for the fun of it!

Air Your Grievances. The power of the Declaration of Independence revolves around the careful construct and genius of the Founding Fathers. First, the document describes the unalienable rights of humankind to pursue their freedoms. Second, it lists a long string of specific grievances against King George of England to justify their ultimate conclusion of severing all ties, and vowing to be "enemies in war and friends in peace" as a free nation.

The next step in constructing a personal Independence Day document is to consider what inner grievances you have to air out. Time to be honest here. Make a list of the qualities that have held you back over the years. Maybe it is being critical of others, being judgmental without considering another side, living in fear, shutting down emotionally to others, feeling angry for no good reason, shutting off loved ones from your life or not speaking up when you know you should.

By writing down these qualities that no longer serve, you can give yourself permission to let them go. The infamous Tony Robbins always said, "if you have a limiting thought, change it." Imagine replacing each grievance you have with a more positive option, and imagine the exhilaration of how it would feel to live life that way.

The final portion of the Declaration bespoke of the steadfast alliance the original 13 colonies developed in order to break free from England:

"And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

Certainly many of the colonies had vast differences in perspectives, yet they understood the power of community and mutual solidarity. The colonists used the Declaration as a compass rose -- a guide to serve them individually and collectively towards creating a way of living never yet attempted in the world.

It takes bravery to make such a Declaration. Maybe someone you know and love is living an inner life that is not overflowing with life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. How can you serve as an inspiration to them? Creating a Declaration of "Inner Independence" is a wonderful exercise to explore over dinner with your partner or family. Whether or not you live in the USA, happy Independence Day to all HuffPo readers worldwide.

Please feel free to share any comments in the spaces below, and click on 'Become a Fan' to receive weekly updates of these posts.

How to Use the Right Brain and the Left Brain in a Crisis

2010-06-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

I am not one to go for the fire and brimstone thing, but this past week in American history has been something. 100 million gallons of oil in the ocean and counting, Obama goes to the Gulf while lightning strikes the ship with the containment cap, shutting it down for another week. Hayward squirms on the hot seat of a congressional hearing, while our politicians blow a lot of steam that goes nowhere. Its hard to wrap our mind's around the magnitude of it all. However, a most interesting moment came during the hearings when a shrimp fisherwoman barged in with oil stained hands and demanded criminal action.

Seeing her made me feel so much better in a strange sort of way. She had an oil streaked face, disheveled hair, and dripping hands. She was mad -- outraged, and she was not afraid to show it, even if it got her arrested. It was almost iconic, and reminded me of old tribe's women who would rub themselves with ashes to manage their grief, or Native women who would trill their anguish to the world. It fulfilled a more primal side of how we instinctively want to react in a crisis.

Many of us everyday folk sometimes feel like life is hemorrhaging out of control, and are struggling to manage all the emotions with logic and reason -- with less than satisfactory results. Maybe you are out of a job, hate your job, battling a divorce, an illness, or struggling with your kids. Often life hits us with something we did not expect, and we have absolutely no idea how to solve the problem, or what to do next. Maybe it is time to call in the right brain.

In a crisis, the left brain only knows how to come up with strategies and options. Sort of like the role President Obama is playing -- he is a left-brained master of keeping his cool and plodding a path of resolution. Yet his poll numbers have dropped -- why? Because we all need to acknowledge the emotional side of the crisis in order to move on. We also need the raging woman with wild hair and blackened fingers to satisfy the right brain of imagery, emotion and ritual.

I have several friends in their late 30's and 40's that are battling breast cancer. It is like an oil leak within the body -- going out of control, destroying everything in sight, and the methods to treat are still crude and scary. In a similar way, the first line of attack is left-brained: get the medical team lined up, assemble the tests, go before the tumor board and come up with a treatment plan. Yet, this also does not ultimately cut it, and we long for some sort of sublime experience to take us out of our bodies and into a more luminous place.

What to do in a crisis of the inner or outer world? Cry a lot, get your mind wrapped around it -- and fight. The boundaries of the inner and the outer world are more transparent than we know. I have found that teaching retreats and workshops which manage overwhelming challenges in life often requires accessing the right brain now and then. The left brain is in charge of being mad, blaming, getting facts, creating lists and making plans. This is a normal reaction, and the TV has been filled with endless examples of our left brain attempts to handle what is unimaginable.

However, the right brain operates on a different level. It wants to pray, meditate, draw, create something or experience a ritual to help gain perspective. A crisis is an assault to all of our senses -- whether it is an external environmental crisis like the Gulf, or an inner crisis like cancer. When the world does not make sense, sometimes we have to access other resources.

In my last post, I interviewed leadership consultant and author Margaret Wheatley, about the power and importance of Perseverance- and recommended a tonglen style meditation of breathing in the horrifying black tar of the gulf into our bodies, and breathing out light, clean and fresh water instead. Many struggled with this right brain approach to a crisis -- this is a waste of time! The left brain demands more concrete actions, like writing letters and yelling at the TV.

I think both strategies are necessary. When a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer, she put her executive trained brain into action and knew every detail of what her treatment would involve. However, what made the greatest impact on her was a special ritual her friends created for her; making a plaster cast of her chest before her double mastectomy that was painted with special words, prayers and images. She was sung to, held, and encircled in a way that harkened back another time.

It made a difference. She was filled with love and hope in a way no chemo treatment could even begin to touch. Rituals can be any sort of experience that is more symbolic than logical. It engages the heart over the head -- the right brain over the left. Rituals and interactive experiences with other people are often so powerful; it moves the head into a different mindset, fills us with grounded clarity and lifts our hearts.

Many have created special ceremonies and rituals for the Gulf spill. Altars have been cropping up in the sand, special healing circles and vigils. Check out Hands Across the Sands- an international ritual set up for June 26th for any group on any beach, to join at 11am and at noon to simply gather together, join hands and pray for an end to offshore drilling and resolution in the Gulf.

Is it going to put a cap on the oil? Not anymore than the time wasted clicking pictures on Capitol Hill of politicians battling for sound byte air time. American's need time to digest the magnitude of this tragedy, to be able to take it in, understand the impact and have a clear mind to make fundamental changes in the future. And, taking time to acknowledge the unseen world, to keen, to create, to come together -- remains fundamental to our very nature.

Huff Po readers: how do you engage your "right brain" in a crisis? What sort of rituals or experiences have you used that had a powerful impact on you? Love to hear your comments here.

How to Balance Social Networking with a Social Life

2010-06-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

What's the definition of a friend these days? Who do you consider to be your 'friends?" Are they the people you work with, grew up with, see around town, work out at the gym, and meet for lunch -- or are they the folks you chat with on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn?

Our traditional social lives, coupled with modern social networking, is the new standard -- and it's here to stay. How do we balance the expanding possibilities for social connections in a way that is healthy and nourishing, instead of draining and overwhelming? Most modern adults are connected to hundreds of people each month from varied interactions, and the average Facebook user has nearly 150 friends. Astounding, isn't it?

I treasure having a solid community of friends I see in my daily life, as a true lifeline of grounding and support. I have also found the friends I connect with via blogging, emails and social networking fill another wonderful place of social fulfillment never imagined a decade ago. The rise of the internet has become a "living symbol" of global connection, as Llewelyn Vaughn-Lee wrote.

I have come to believe that the Internet and other modes of global communication are not just tools to help us communicate and access information, but also have a symbolic function. They are dynamic images of a global interconnectedness and oneness that belong to life. As symbols they convey a deeper meaning and purpose than their surface function. But in order to access this dimension we have to have the appropriate attitude of receptivity.

I see our traditional relations (the inner) and our networked relations (the outer) to be a new "Tree of Life." Think of a large living tree as a symbol of yourself and your modern, multi-layered social life. The trunk of the tree is you -- maybe you are a slim and lovely Aspen, a strong and sturdy Maple, or a gently bending Willow. What variety describes you best? The ground below you is your home and your community. Is your soil well nourished and watered, or is it dry and cracked? Are you planted in a welcoming place, or are you struggling to survive?

Imagine the roots underneath to be the friends and family you consider near and dear to your heart -- those whom you rely on to get through daily life, or can't wait to see on vacations and holidays. The branches that soar above you are the people you touch more peripherally through social networking, collegial relations and so on. There are endless opportunities to extend new shoots into the sun and find interesting or like-minded people to connect.

Many of the 40 plus crowd have had a slower, more mixed feeling about extending any branches at all. Change does not come as easy to us old Redwoods, who prefer to keep those roots nourished -- and let the branches remain dormant, as in winter time. Many of the younger crowd has begun utilizing the power of global sites to develop vast numbers of friends that boggle the imagination. Their branches have blossomed so far and wide as to create a canopy of leaves, rich with the excitement of new growth.

One cannot fully survive without the other. While many lament the superficiality of social networking, it is a part of the culture, and once resistance is lowered, the possibilities of enhancing your life are very real. For others, the enchantment of new growth can overtake the commitment to maintaining the foundation. All tweets on new branches, and no contact with the ground makes for a very unbalanced life!

In the next two blogs, I will explore both ends of this new "Tree of Life." Next week we will celebrate "tried and true" rooted friendships, and in the following I will highlight those who have had success in social networking relations.

If you were to draw a picture of your tree, what would it look like? How healthy is the trunk (you)? What do your roots or inner relations look like; are they healthy and interconnected or thin, meager and craving some organic fertilizer? How about your branches of outer relations. Do you have any? What do they look like? Are you unfolding new leaves in the sun and perhaps bearing the fruit of new possiblilities?

If your tree is all roots and no branches, it is time to let your fingers do the walking and upgrade your social software. Reach out to others by leaving comments on blogs that you like, set up a Facebook page and watch old friends find you, or join a cause that allows you to connect to others of like mind. The rewards are fairly instant, and fun!

Extending new branches and leaves exclusively can ultimately backfire as well. Imagine a tree with all branches and no roots. What do we have? A tumbleweed comes to my mind -- out of balance and drifting in the wind. Social networking can quickly become an obsession. Remembering and tending your roots is the quickest way to come back to balance.

Untold studies show our deepest feelings of happiness and contentment are linked to the people we have in our life. Let's celebrate them all. Write at least one note today to someone in your inner root system, and to one person in your outer branches, to extend your gratitude for their presence in your life.

And, let's hear it! What does your tree look like? How do you balance your inner and outer social lives? Love to hear your comments, and we can continue on Facebook as well. I am looking for homegrown friend stories for next week, and social success stories for the week after. Thanks!

Perseverance in the Gulf: a Test of Our Soul's Endurance

2010-06-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

It is beyond imagination. Millions of gallons of crude continue to spew uncontrollably from the bowels of the Earth, fingering their way to shore with the force of Voldemort. Some say until August, some until Christmas, others fear for a decade. How can we possibly wrap our minds around such a thing? How do we carry on? Close your eyes and imagine floating in water filled with tar balls and shiny black goop -- as far as the eye can see. It is almost unbearable.

The way we respond to this disaster is a reflection upon us all. Right now, everyone has tar in their eyes, with an insane focus on blame, righteous anger and money. One high ranking British official told local Brits who receive a majority of their pensions from British Petroleum, "When you think of all that oil spilling into the Gulf, think of it as your retirement dollars."

BP and the State of Florida spent $25 million dollars last week on ads convincing tourists "Florida's beaches are clear." They intend to pull the ads by this week, as they know the oil will reach the shore -- and they want to have "truth in advertising."

We are surrounded with a smoke and mirrors campaign no one wants to hear, and retribution dominates these critical moments of clear thinking and action. The frenzy of "Drill baby drill" has transformed to "Sue baby sue." Something is terribly wrong with our priorities, and with corporate leadership. Everyday folks are weeping with despair, and feel totally powerless.

One of my great heroes in the field of leadership consulting is Margaret Wheatley, author of best selling Leadership and the New Sciences, professor, and co-founder of the Berkana Institute. Her newest book, Perseverance, has arrived at a fortuitous moment when all of us are wondering how we are going to persevere through one more disaster -- economic, natural, or man-made. It is potent, allegorical and healing in a way only Wheatley can manage.

Ironically, part of the inspiration came from a letter written by a CEO friend who lives on the Gulf coast, and was there during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Her note to Wheatley simply said, "Every day I make a conscious choice not to give up."

That note was written before the oil spill.

I asked Wheatley what her friend has to say now. Shortly after the rig exploded in early May; Wheatley did receive a follow-up note so powerful it sent chills up my spine:
"Game over. For the shrimp and fishing industry, game over forever. For Louisiana wetlands- game over. For Cajun culture- game over. All Systems Fail."

The pain and suffering of the oil spill is preoccupying both our minds, and Wheatley is deeply concerned. She commented, "This is in our face as a nation, and we are in a moment of true impotence."

The first step to perseverance is recognition. Her book opens with, "We have never been here before in terms of the global nature of our predicament -- yet we have been here before. Humans have had to struggle with harsh times many times over; and you too, like all humans, have overcome difficult times. Now it's our turn to be the ones who step forward, who engage in the small actions that can, over time, grow into meaningful change."

Perseverance offers reflections on topics like righteous anger, blame and abandoning success, as well as hopeful aspects like steadfastness and joy. I asked Wheatley which passage best reflects the crisis in the Gulf, and she quietly yet firmly replied: "Lost".

"When we are overwhelmed and confused, our brains barely function. We reach for the old maps, the routine responses, what worked in the past. This is a predictable response, yet also suicidal. If we keep grasping for things to look familiar, and frantically try and fit new problems into old ways of thinking, we will continue to wander lost, and eventually collapse from our own confusion."

Whether it is getting out of a bad relationship, changing a corporate system, or facing the greatest natural disaster in our history, the only way to get out of "Lost" is to know the old ways don't work. "We have to abandon our anger," Wheatley said. "The calls for justice aren't getting anywhere -- besides destroying us as a nation." By recognizing we are lost, we can see new territory, and grasp the depth of what we don't know, so scientists of the world can sit and think together."

Even though no one has the faintest idea how to plug that gushing, subterranean arterial hemorrhage -- we have been here before. We have survived horrors and devastation, by strengthening our relationships with one another. The locals on the Gulf need to be recognized, heard, and given help. Those who can self-organize represent the true steadfast qualities of perseverance. The power of a community emerges out of necessity.

Wayne Landry, parish council president in St. Bernard Parish, and other leaders from parishes and counties in Louisiana and Mississippi have organized their own response, called the "coastal zone authority for recovery." Others are sending money, visiting troubled areas, and sending in thousands of suggestions to BP for clever ways to stop the bleed. It is a start.

How do we, Huff Po readers, persevere through all this? Wheatley warns, "We have pierced into Mother Earth's core, and maybe we can learn enough from all this for it to become a moment to evolve, rather than collapse."

This is a wake-up call. A chance for all of us to choose who we want to be. Let's get out of anger and blame, and recognize our crude oil addiction has got to stop. Let's learn something. "Perseverance is seemingly a journey without end. We become patient because we have to. Every day we have to make a choice. Will we give up or will we keep going?

Here is a very powerful meditation tool to help focus on the Gulf, and find ways to persevere. It is called a Tonglen Meditation, found in books by Pema Chodron. Sit, relax and get an image of the Gulf. Breathe in the image of endless oil polluting the Gulf, and breathed out light until it is clean and clear once again. Tonglen is an intensely powerful meditation that can be very hard to do, yet is so healing.

Ed and Deb Shapiro also suggested meditating while repeating the mantra, "May all beings be free from suffering and the conditions that cause suffering."

We can persevere. We have to. If you would like to share a comment, please do so, as our relationships help us all to persevere, and our conversations are of great importance.

Women Need Mentors: How to Find One or Create One in Your Life

2010-06-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

Ever had a professional mentor before? If you are a woman, I bet the answer is no. In the professional world, change is more than inevitable these days -- it is standard fare, and many women are trying to figure out a new way to make a living doing what they love. Wouldn't it be easier if someone could help guide you along the way?

Here are some common challenges that would benefit from mentoring:

"I want to start a new business, but I don't know what to do, how do I get started?"

"I need to make a career move, but I feel guilty leaving my job and afraid I won't get anything else. How do I ever get ahead?"

"I want to learn other aspects of my business, but no one is teaching me the skills I need to transfer to another department. I don't want to be stuck here forever."

"How do I achieve balance between a promotion and the needs of my family?"

Women are way behind in developing and utilizing mentors, said Mary Stutts, senior vice president of Elan Pharmaceuticals, and author of the newly released The Missing Mentor, an excellent book featuring multiple professionals sharing tips to succeed. Stutts stresses women today are left on their own to navigate the pitfalls of balancing marriage, home, family and personal ambition.

"Many women are not only holding their jobs, but also managing the soccer games, birthday parties, laundry and grocery shopping. They just do not have the time to spend coaching another woman to move up the ranks."

A college graduate can expect to change jobs 14 times in their career, yet most do not create any sort of plan of how they want to organize their acquisition of skills, when to take strategic risks, and when the time is right to seek promotions or a new position elsewhere.

"Women need to create a development plan to gain experience, and be deliberate about each step of the way. Even in executive positions, very few women have any sort of development plan and that is scary" said Stutts.

Stutts knew many of her early jobs were not going to make her the money she wanted, so she kept moving, until she ended up in health care and communications. She has helped manage multi-billion dollar companies, while still finding time to be a mom, and actively mentor other women. A foster child from the age of five, Stutts is acutely aware of how important it is to help support other women.

"I think anyone can be 'cream of the crop,' and I personally hate that term," Stutts admitted. "Most women just need encouragement more than anything else."
Stutts offered valuable advice for women at various stages of life:

Women just starting out in careers: Be patient! Understand you can't do it all at once, and don't be afraid to share your ideas. Even if they don't implement them, it shows initiative.

Women in Management or senior level positions: Take some risks! Don't resist change and evaluate your situation -- have you learned all the skills your job has to offer? Be willing advance your career if it has become routine.

Women Trying to Get Back into the Workforce: Be creative! Get some experience under your belt however you can. Even taking an entry level job to get your foot in the door or volunteer. Be willing to do what it takes to prove yourself and show you can add value.

Kathleen Heinrich is another high level professional in the medical and academic fields, and also discovered any sort of mentorship for women was practically non-existent. "If mentoring is the fast track to professional success, what happens when you don't have a mentor?" she wondered. After serving as a professor for many years, she became a consultant working with nurses, and wrote the book, "A Nurse's Guide to Presenting and Publishing: Dare to Share."

"Women essentially have to mentor one another," said Heinrich. "I realized successful scholars surrounded themselves with a circle of peer-mentors." Heinrich developed a program for "peer mentoring" that includes a sophisticated and comprehensive set of agreements to help individuals come together in a strategic manner, and develop a working relationship to build each other's success.

"Unlike the one-way giving in traditional mentoring, peer mentoring relationships are give-and-take partnerships that benefit all involved," described Heinrich.

If you would like to experiment with a "peer mentoring" relationship, think of someone who has complimentary skills to yours. Maybe you are good at graphic design, but need help with strategic planning, and have a friend who has been an entrepreneur, but needs to recreate her promotional materials. Make an agreement to meet for an hour and discuss the "four agreements of peer mentoring" developed by Heinrich:

What is your wish list-- what do you want to accomplish?

What are your fears and concerns? Maybe you have a hidden hesitation that needs to be aired.

Create a contract-- how often will you meet and for how long? This is NOT lightweight socializing!

Create a Covenant-- how do you want to be treated? Often the fears and concerns can be covered by the covenant.

Here's an example: Judy and Anne both want to further their business projects, and wish to peer mentor each other. Each come prepared with what they are working on, and what they need help with. In their fears and concerns; Judy is worried she will not stay focused, and Anne is afraid she will take over the conversations. They decide to meet for 6 weeks, once per week for two hours. One hour is for Judy and one hour is for Anne. Their covenant is that Anne will gently help keep Judy focused by reviewing what they talked about before she starts, and Anne will agree not to be offended if Judy points out she is dominating the conversation.

I have tried Heinrich's peer mentoring system, and it is elegant yet incredibly powerful. Essentially you are bartering your skills with another person for free! The relationships end up being very intensive and intimate at the same time. Give it a try with a friend or colleague and let me know what happens! Do you have any good stories about the power of mentoring? Leave a comment below and pass around Twitter and Facebook for a broader conversation if you like.

Detox Your Kids From Screen Addiction

2010-05-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

Raising kids today seems to come with screens attached; multi-media screens that is. From a very early age, the world of TV, computers and cell phones have become cultural norms. Toddlers get hooked on PBS, can manipulate a mouse like breathing air, and can work the 'aps' on an iPhone better than we can. By elementary school, they are getting homework links online and know how to search the internet to spell a word, instead of using the dictionary. They use a screen for everything!

While TV addiction is still a concern to me as a parent- it is the multitude of screen related activities that kids utilize in their free time that has got my parental panties in a wad. Here's an example of a typical afternoon for a tween or teen: watch a few stupid shows on Disney channel, go online to check emails and hang out of Facebook, IM a few friends online, join a chat, listen to tunes and scan a few websites. After that, their cell phone chimes a text, so they attend to that, grab a snack, then head back to the TV to play a few rounds of Wii.

According to a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, kids today spend nearly every waking moment-- except for the time in school -- using a smart phone, computer, television or other electronic device. In fact, kids ages 8-18 spend an average of seven and-a-half hours a day with various devices. That is over 53 hours per week! Many kids send and receive hundreds of texts per week, with no end in sight. In fact, their ability to multi-task simultaneously with multiple media truly boggles the mind.

I am recognizing this trend first hand at home. My four kids constantly fight over the computer in our living room. The 14 year old wants to check out guitar rifts on YouTube, the 11 year old has discovered emails and is obsessed with sending stupid notes, and the seven year old twins want to play online games. The amount of time they actually used the computer for school stuff was miniscule compared to the time they used it for everything else.

I realized how much time and energy I was spending breaking up fights, setting timers, and vainly trying to monitor their time on all these various screens, and I finally hit the wall. In one fell swoop, I made one of those parental directives that spew out of some primal place of desperation- a threat so outlandish that even I knew it was absurd. "That's IT!" I declared with a force like Moses admonishing the naughty Israelites for worshipping cows, "No screens of any kind for a full week."

The silence was deafening. What had I done? Who cares about their moaning and groaning, what in the heck was I going to DO with them for an entire week without our habitual distractions? Making a mental note to pick up a case of chardonnay, I decided to stick to my guns with this unplug and recharge experiment; and see what happens.

Are your kids "screen addicted?" Overall, I don't think my kids were all that bad, as we are fundamentally cheap and hence a fairly low tech family. Yet, watching their ability to manage their time without having some sort of computer, television or cell phone on hand was quite an enlightening experience.

Kids who constantly have a ready-made distraction on hand lose the ability to come up with something to do, be creative, and relax their bodies and minds at the same time. The first 24 hours were completely brutal. I must have heard, "I'm bored!" a thousand times. My daughter actually got in my face and contended, "I NEED to go on Facebook MOM!" My son said he was the joke of junior high and had to translate messages to his friends to post for him during his hiatus.

To be fair, I limited my time on the computer and the phone from 3pm-bedtime as well. It was interesting to notice my internal urges to saunter over to the computer and dump the email box were pretty darn powerful! Clearly, I was screen addicted too.

Yet, inevitably, a funny thing happened. Once the kids realized there was no caving in - they gave up the fight and found other things to do. Thank God I did not try this in the dead of winter. With warm weather beckoning, the bicycles and roller blades were taken out of the garage, old crafts dug out of the closet, and the older ones played school with the younger ones -- it was pretty creepy. Our house was sort of a nice, "Mayberry-esque" place to be.

By the end of the week, the decibel level in the house had decreased dramatically. The kids seemed calmer, fought less often, slept better, and once the initial detox had passed; they did not miss it as much as they thought they would.

Change is not easy, for adults or children, and changing a habit takes at least seven days. If you are brave enough, I recommend taking on a "no-screen week" as a powerful tool to help children reset their biological batteries. The process allows kids the opportunity to find a little quiet, self-reflection, imagination and connection with others that goes far deeper than their screens will ever touch.

Parents may think they do not have control over our modern media insanity, yet we have more influence than we realize. Even though our kids' brains are capable of this level of multi-tasking, their growing bodies do not flourish in cyberspace. The body needs time to rest, be in sunlight, run around and even be bored.

How long do you think you would last without any sort of screen in your life during non-work hours? Try it out and let me know what you experience. Or, if you are a parent, and have enough chardonnay, try it on your kids -- and let me know how that goes too. Love to hear your comments below and feel free to share this on Facebook or Twitter in the icons above. Click on "Become a fan" to receive weekly updates of my posts.

Tips to Manifest Your Dreams

2010-05-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to manifest hopes and dreams in your life? The idea of visualizing something we want, and attracting it to us, is an ancient principle of life. Some choose to pray, while others chant, meditate, visualize or create affirmations. Yet, the never-ending tragedy of global economic catastrophe, volcanoes, oil spills and war has beaten many positive thinkers right down to the ground, and taken a tremendous toll on our collective psyche.

Do you believe, deep down, you can manifest your dreams into reality? Many people I have spoken to confess they haven't bothered to dream in a very long time. That fear constricts both individuals and even organizations from believing, and taking essential risks.

A psychology professor at Yale recently asked her undergraduate students to complete an "art therapy" exercise. She passed out paper and crayons, and asked them to draw a picture of what they thought their life was going to look like. Upon receiving the assignments, she was shocked to see most of the pictures were images of hopelessness -- dark colors, falling off of a cliff, hitting a brick wall, or being generally unfulfilled. If our "best and our brightest" are afraid to dream in their early twenties, something must be done.

The ability to imagine something better is the fuel of all great invention, change or innovation in life. Without it, we are essentially floating adrift without a compass. Google is the grand champion of visualizing dreams, and making them happen. They give their managers 20 percent time off -- just to work on personal dream projects. Chade-Meng Tan transformed his engineering job to become their official "Head of Personal Growth" and teaches a Mindfulness based Emotional Intelligence course for employees. Meng hopes to see every workplace in the world become "a drinking fountain for happiness and enlightenment."

Imagine what would happen if you took 20 percent of your time to work on your dreams. Can you feel the tingles of excitement just thinking about it? Here are some free tips to get started:

Create a "Bucket List." Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman starred in this wonderful film as strangers who both found out they were going to die, and they created a list of all the things they wanted to do before "kicking the bucket." Some were huge, like sitting on a pyramid, and some were small, like laughing until you cried. Your turn! Create a bucket list to see what is lying deep in your heart.
Make a Vision Board. Sure, you have heard it a million times before, but when is the last time you actually MADE one? What you see is what you get in life. Get out some magazines, cut out images that attract you, paste them on a poster board, and hang it where you can see it. They W-O-R-K, just ask Nick Cannon who said his vision board brought Mariah Carey into his life.
Pay it Forward. If you run across someone who needs something, give it to them and smile. Consider it direct charity with no expectation of return. The art of giving is like rocket fuel for dream manifestation.
Sign up for Tut.com. "Thoughts become Things" is the motto of tut.com which sends daily "Notes from the Universe." I guarantee they will cause inner reflection, a hearty laugh or an indrawn breath of utter truth. Creator Mike Dooley describes the notes as, "Spiritual but not religious, inspirational without commitment, empowering yet caffeine-free."

Here is a sample:

A NOTE FROM THE UNIVERSE:

A question, from your friend the Universe:

Just how much time do you spend
thinking big? I mean really, really BIG?

Good, very good! Because that's exactly how
much of "it" you're going to get!

What a coincidence.

A dear friend of mine has been working very actively on manifesting her dreams. She has been creating bucket lists and vision boards for what she wants in her life. Some are small, like buying a kayak, and others are grander for family, marriage and community. She even wrote a check to herself, from "The Universe" for an outlandish amount she never thought she deserved.

One day she said she had a "weird confession to make." Less than two weeks after making vision boards and writing her check, her father suddenly passed away, and she was notified that she and her sister were to receive a sizeable amount of money from a Swiss bank account she never knew about. Turns out it was the exact amount she wrote on her vision check.

Her business was booming, and life was blossoming, yet the art of receiving was harder than she imagined and she began getting intense headaches. One night, she had a powerful dream.

I was with a stranger who told me to get rid of the headache I needed to take out my "wishbone." I told her I didn't have a wishbone. She looked at me as if I was crazy, and said "of course you do." She reached behind her head and pulled out a massive wishbone from her back. I couldn't believe my eyes, and told her I certainly don't have one of those.

She pointed behind my neck, and told me to pull. I did, and sure enough, with a lot of pulling and tearing at adhesions in my spine, I slowly pulled out this wishbone about three feet long. I was stunned and told her in amazement that I had no idea this was ever a part of me.

She said that everyone has a wishbone, and most people don't recognize it exists, or its power. She told me we have to pull it out every day and use it as a compass in life. With use, it will be less stiff and difficult to access, and helps in daily decisions.

Whether your dreams are large or small -- find your wishbone -- and use it as a compass in life.

Mother's Day Reads: Featuring a Mennonite, a Mother and a Goddess

2010-05-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

Let's face it, Mother's are pretty simple creatures and don't require much on our special day. We love home-made cards, breakfast in bed, flowers or anything resembling a foot rub. I love books. I have found the tactile sensation of thumbing pages, underlining passages and triumphantly slamming it shut after the final words are read is one of my favorite ways to "Unplug and Recharge." To celebrate Mother's Day, consider giving your mom a new book, a nice cup of tea and some spaciousness to become lost in a great story.

And I do mean b-o-o-k, not some sort of electronic gadget thing-a-ma-jig. I must admit, I am a dinosaur, and cannot bring myself to use a Kindle. It seems sacrilegious somehow. This past weekend I was returning home from the Wisdom 2.0 conference- essentially an "early Mother's Day" gift for me of hanging out with friends, colleagues and fascinating people for three days with nary a kid in sight.

As our plane prepared to take off and fly across the country, I had a couple new books ready to roll, and was psyched. My seatmate, in 12D, took out his Kindle, pushed the "on" button - and nothing happened. Apparently, he fell asleep reading it the night before, the battery was dead, and he was now out of luck for the 3.5 hours in the air. I swear he was fuming for a half hour, while I smugly buried my nose in the musty smelling pages of sweet delight.

Whether you love the Kindle or book, here are three gems I have recently read that would make a fabulous Mother's Day gift. I selected three different genres; including a hilarious memoir on par with Eat, Pray, Love, a poignant address from mother to her young children, and an inspiring collection of essays from an 'A-list' group that will inspire and energize.

Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen recently came out in paperback, and is a classic laugh out loud memoir that is impossible to put down, and reads like a great chit chat with your best friend in a coffee joint. Janzen's book opens with the triple whammy of hearing her control freak husband is leaving her for a guy named Bob he met on Gay.com, followed by suffering a horrible car accident, and facing an academic sabbatical to fill. In order to cope and heal, she journeyed home to her parents and her deeply conservative Mennonite roots. Within the first ten pages I was cracking up, engaged, and hooked on Janzen's easy breezy style, and sublime use of words- like calling the Mennonites " turbo-dorks."

No one can say it better than Janzen herself. Check it out:

Kelly Corrigan is the author of bestselling book The Middle Place, and YouTube sensation, with over 4.6 million hits on her essay "Transcending: Words on Women and Strength," about her Mother and her circle of friends called "the hens." If you didn't see it last year, belly up to the monitor with Mom, and bring some Kleenex. It is the ultimate tribute to women, and their ability to hold each other up.

Corrigan's follow up book, Lift, is a delicate, funny, and piercingly honest letter to her young daughters. Recognizing the precious "little girl" phase is quickly fading away, Corrigan sat down, and decided to describe "how it is with us" and capture the realities of motherhood in an age they are likely to forget as adults. Motherhood is hardly a picnic, and in fact is filled with turbulence, fears and sometimes regrets. The title, Lift, reflects the paradox of the mothering metahor. "Turbulence is the only way to get altitude, to get lift. Without turbulence, the sky is just a big blue hole. Without turbulence, you sink." I loved this little book like savoring a favorite piece of dark chocolate with rock salt.

Here is Corrigan sharing a passage of the book at home with her girls:

Finally, a dear friend of mine sent me a new book called Goddess Shift- Women Leading for a Change- a non-fiction anthology of essays that is very different from the two lighter reads above. This book is hard core inspirational collection of essays from a truly amazing list of women including Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou, Barbara Walters, Riane Eisler, Venus and Serena Williams, Jane Fonda, Riane Eisler , Oprah Winfrey, and Angelina Jolie.

A fabulous gift to leave by the bedside, each of the essays are geared to celebrate how far women have come, and to honor those on the forefront. Stephanie Marohn, the editor, describes it as,

"a celebration of our new community, the vision of a more just and loving world. Gathered in this book are some of our living goddesses who have much to say about what women bring to leadership, how women can empower themselves, and how women are creating change in all walks of life."

Goddess Shift offers personal insights that collectively are a deep treasure for women of all ages. Of particular note is all of the royalties are being donated to non-profit organizations that support women's change, including the Global Fund for Women, Capacitar, and Tostan.

Here is a wonderful interview from this week on Fox News about the book, featuring Olympia Dukakis talking about the goddess. Fox News and the Goddess? WOW!

Celebrate all the women in your life who have mothered you in some way. The women who made you laugh, made you cry, or inspired you with their love and leadership. Do you have any special books to share that celebrate women's journeys, motherhood or empowerment? Love to hear them in the comments below and Happy Mother's Day.

Hardening the Heartwood with Clarissa Pinkola Estes

2010-04-25T06:33:00.000-07:00

Ever watch the spring flowers bloom really closely? I think they are a lesson in overcoming fear and demonstrating resilience. Think of those bulbs -- sitting dormant for nine or 10 months, crushed under rock hard earth and icy cold snow.

Yet, somehow, the urge to grow is too powerful, Mother Nature's call too pervasive, and up they come. It doesn't matter if there is an occasional frost, hail storm, snow squall or arctic breeze. Somehow they grow strong enough to withstand and survive. Those tiny little flowers are strong indeed.

As I wrote in a previous post, life is like that. The warm weather of Spring often heats up our inner desire to burst forth with new color and growth, and overcome obstacles. But, how do we access that inner call, and how do we protect ourselves from the harsh elements of rejection, pain, suffering and change?

I have been listening to a wonderful series by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, who wrote Women Who Run With the Wolves in 1992, which was a best seller for 145 weeks, and has essentially been hidden under the covers of life for quite some time. Estes is an American poet, psychoanalyst and post-trauma specialist who was raised in a now nearly vanished oral and ethnic tradition. She grew up in a rural village, population 600, near the Great Lakes. Three decades in the making, The Dangerous Old Woman is offered by Sounds True, and presents her masterwork in a series of six interactive online sessions filled with her signature stories, myths, and poetry--many told for the first time. Estes calls her group of listeners, "the Tribe of the Sacred Heart."

There is something special about feeling transported by an amazing story. The art of complex storytelling is nearly lost in our society. We are used to such pre-packaged entertainment, that the ability to simply sit and be catapulted away by a lyrical, lilting and provocative voice is deeply nourishing. Listening to her stories rather than reading them is rather sublime. In her first storytelling session, Estes described what it takes to grow and gather wisdom, in spite of life's obstacles. She spoke of many archetypes and stories, but an image that has stayed with me is the growth process of a young sapling tree as a metaphor for our own process of moving through innocence to wisdom.

When a young tree grows, it has a lot of moisture around the center of its trunk, or the 'heartwood.' This makes the new tree very flexible. It can bend in the wind and twist every which way without breaking. I can easily see my young children as toddlers bending both their minds and bodies every which way in the same manner, and I remember the idealism I had in my youth.

However, if the tree does not harden itself on the outside, the moisture will freeze the inner heartwood, and the tree will die. Does that sound familiar? If we remain ultra-sensitive to the whims of life, and do not harden off a part of ourselves, we will become vulnerable to every gust of wind, snow squall and bump in the road. Hardening is never easy. As parents, we want so much to protect our children -- to keep them pliable and innocent and free of trauma or hardship. Yet are we doing them any favors keeping them so soft?

My husband is the child of Holocaust survivors. His life growing up in post-war Europe was filled with anti-Semitism and violence. His parents fled Poland under duress and immigrated to the United States in 1960 with a total of $20. His young sapling tree was hardened early, and despite the horror stories and nightmares he has to live with he grew strong, driven and successful in the world.

His dear friend and colleague is also very successful, but grew up in a very different world of comfort and luxury. His father tried to artificially harden his son -- by forcing him to work as a teenager in a dingy restaurant kitchen, washing dishes until the wee hours of the morning. One day the parents decided to visit their hardworking son, and drove up to the greasy spoon in a Bentley. Word soon flew around the staff as busboys and waiters went outside to admire the car, and the jig was up.

I see my husband struggle watching our children grow up. They have everything. They have never seen a war, never gone without a meal and have essentially wanted for nothing. He worries: will they be able to effectively harden their exterior, so they don't die in the winter? How do we balance the desire to make life comfortable and yet also instill a will to survive and a layer of protection? Taking away their laptop is not necessarily going to cut it.

Regardless if your heartwood is protected early or late in life, eventually, the tree does grow, and those who are very lucky become wise elders like ancient Redwoods: fierce, strong, fiery, soft and resilient all at once. The Dangerous Old Woman archetype is like an ancient tree who has gathered years, has many branches, bears fruit, shows off her flowers in the Spring, and sheds her leaves in the Fall. The rings of her trunk bear the marks of years of fighting to survive, and the texture of her bark is rough yet comforting.

How have you learned to harden yourself off so you can grow and survive? How do you find ways to remain flexible in the wind and not break under pressure? I hope to continue sharing installments of this series, and hope you will join us in the Tribe of the Sacred Heart.

Parents Missing the Boat on Health Risks of Teens & Sleep

2010-04-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Modern parents are crazy. Clearly. We obsess about all the strangest things, fret over each phase of development, consult with others about the ongoing changes in behavior, and lie awake at night worried about our children's emotional angst. Maybe it has always been this way -- but in a 24/7 society, life is a bit of a pressure cooker for kids to perform academically, and physically and socially to navigate through the increasingly vicious world of bullying.

Trouble is, often we spend our time and energy obsessing over things we cannot control, that don't really matter, or can't be helped, and miss out on the really BIG stuff. Take sleep for instance. Parents in the United States are obsessed with sleep -- for their babies. There must be hundreds of books about how to get an infant to sleep! Granted, much of this comes from our own exhaustion and desperation, insecurities as new parents, and naive gullibility to commercialism. Getting an infant to sleep is important, of course.

However, our interest in monitoring and controlling their sleep dramatically drops off after they are fully walking and talking. Why is that? If you are pretty "chillax" about the sleep thing when they are kids, you are in big trouble by the time they are teenagers. After undergoing extensive research into issues of sleep and teens, I would venture to say that lack of sleep can be the hidden root underneath a majority of adolescent and young adult challenges: irritable kids slinging insults that get out of line, slipping grades, obesity, depression, and yes, even increased suicides as we have seen recently in Boston and Cornell.

Somehow getting an adequate amount of sleep has ceased to be a priority in all of our lives. Parents are up late stressing out about unfinished work, clearing out the email box before bed, or just unwinding with some Facebook time. And kids are following along -- staying up much later than previous generations. Trouble is, their bodies are paying a much higher price, and one that can never be taken back.

I have seen untold numbers of parents allowing their elementary aged kids to stay up until 10 p.m. to watch American Idol. Kids start going to bed later than they should at a much younger age, and somehow we have developed a blind eye to its affects. Kids are allowed to go to sleep later and later as youngsters, and naturally believe it is okay to push the bedtime out further as they grow older. If a six-year-old is going to bed at 9 p.m., they are going to feel entitled to go to bed at 10 p.m. by age nine, and then 11 p.m. by the age of 12, etc. And the crazy part is we let them! It is a mystery to me, as so many other aspects of modern parenting life are overly monitored and controlled.

I often get the image of carpenter ants racing from one pile to the other when I think of modern parenting mania; doing all this busy work for very little gain. We heave around these heavy loads, and frantically dump them on our kids. 'Here honey! You need some exercise, so I signed you up for lacrosse, swimming and basketball for this year, and of course you will just love it!" Or "Uh Oh! You got a C in math this quarter, and that means you won't be tracked at the highest level going into middle school, which means you won't get into the honors courses for junior high and high school! I decided to hire a tutor twice a week to squeeze in right after dinner, ok sweetie?"

According to the National Sleep Foundation, if you are like 90 percent of parents, you may think your child is getting enough sleep or not really give the amount of sleep they are getting much thought or concern. Ask a high school kid, and you will get a different answer. Sixty percent of high school kids report feeling "extreme daytime sleepiness" and many admit their grades have dropped because of it. A full third of kids report falling asleep in class at least once a week, and only five percent of high school senior average even eight hours of sleep, which is still less than they need.

Our lackadaisical attitude about getting our youth to sleep is systematically damaging their bodies. It can't be made up once it is gone, and make-up sleep on the weekend doesn't help. You may as well feed your kids nothing but Coke 'n' fries all day, and teach them English in pig Latin. Think being tired doesn't really impact their grades? Think again. Studies have shown that "A" students get more sleep than "B" students, and "B" students get more sleep than "C" students. Turns out Rip Van Winkle is your child's best tutor, mentor and therapist.

Even an extra 15 minutes of sleep shows a marked improvement in academic ability. (Think of the teenage girls who get up an extra hour early to wash their hair and put on make up when that dismal report card comes home). According to recent studies, children who miss even one hour of sleep as a sixth grader will perform at a fourth grade level that day in school.

"Lack of sleep make a challenging time in life much harder to cope with by robbing teens of what their bodies need to refresh, fight off damaging physical and emotional conditions, and grow," wrote Helene Emsellem, MD, author of "Snooze or Lose 10 No-War Ways to Improve Your Teens Sleep Habits."

Dr. Frederick Danner at the University of Kentucky conducted some of the seminal research that shows the adolescent brain requires 9.5 hours of sleep on average for optimum development -- and no one is getting it. Only five percent of high school senior sleep even eight hours these days. In fact, compared to thirty years ago, each grade level of children is getting at least one hour less of sleep than they used to. Roseanne Armitage conducted a historical study and found that in 1987, twenty-four percent of college students felt constantly tired. In 2002 the number had soared to seventy-one percent.

Bottom line, we simply cannot live without sleep. Rats that were completely deprived of sleep died in three short weeks, when they normally live three to five years! Another study with college students showed those who slept for only eight hours functioned well, but those allowed to sleep four to six hours had the same performance as the group that was not allowed to sleep at all for three days straight.

In the modern world of bouncy house play dates, iPods, texting in elementary school and endless activities, we bounce our kids here and there and scrutinize their every interaction. Yet somehow have developed a complete and utter blind spot when it comes to being "hyper vigilant" about their sleep, and recognizing it is truly one of the most important jobs we have as parents. Start a dialogue with your kids and teens about sleep. Explain to them why going to sleep earlier will make them feel better, and help unwind the household a little earlier -- for everyone's sake!

How much sleep does your teenager or college student get these days, and do you recognize it to be a major health issue? Let's start a dialogue, and I am collecting stories from parents and youth alike for a new book; "Walking Zombies- America's Exhausted Youth

Why Does the Easter Bunny Bring Eggs?

2010-04-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Spring and Happy Easter everyone! After surviving the floods of the East Coast, I have decided to "re-gift" an abbreviated version of a blog I wrote last Easter Sunday. I enjoyed poking fun at our holiday rituals, and it remains one of my favorites. Enjoy!

* Ever stopped to wonder how bunnies, eggs and scavenger hunts are related to Easter's religious celebration of Jesus dying on the cross and rising again? Strange bedfellows they are. I never had any idea as a kid. No one seemed to question the whole odd mix: why would a rabbit have a basket of eggs in the first place, and how that tied in to crucifixion and resurrection was another matter. Let's explore some Easter myths while popping a few chocolate Cadbury treats, shall we?

I grew up in a vaguely Christian family, and today, I am a bit of a floating generalist. Our kids celebrate Jewish and Christian holidays, and are exposed to Buddhism, Hinduism and Native American practices. God has many names to us and we are not members of a church.

It seems I am not alone in that vague religious category. According to John Meacham- in his Newsweek article, "The Decline of Christian America" :

"the percentage of people who say they are unaffiliated with any particular faith has doubled in recent years, to 16 percent. Meanwhile, the number of people willing to describe themselves as atheist or agnostic has increased about fourfold from 1990 to 2009 -- from 1 million to about 3.6 million."

In graduate school I studied the historical progression of religion, starting with the first Sumerian myths over 3,000 years ago, and explored the impact the stories have on our collective psyche. It is interesting to note many Christian holidays blend together with more ancient or "pagan" holidays celebrated for thousands of years prior. Before Moses was around to have the first Seder, or Jesus walked the Earth, we celebrated the rites of Spring at this time of year, with the perfect balance of light and darkness, called the Vernal Equinox.

I love learning about these ancient celebrations, and exposing them to my children. They do not interfere with any specific religious faith, but add a broader context and history to the occasion. The Vernal Equinox is on March 21st and on that day, there is an equal amount of light and darkness. As an adult, thinking about balance during the Spring is highly appealing to me. What a wonderful excuse to quiet down, toss out what is stressful and become more aware of the rising energy of Spring. It is such a thrill to know from that day forward -- there will be a little more light outside than the day before. Regardless of your faith, this is a practice of worthy note.

Why does the Easter bunny distribute eggs? It turns out the egg-toting Easter bunny evolves from a mythic German goddess named Ostara, (Oestre / Eastre) who was the Germanic Goddess of Springtime. According to the Encycolopedia Mythica:

"In ancient Anglo-Saxon myth, Ostara is the personification of the rising sun. In that capacity she is associated with the spring and is considered to be a fertility goddess. She is the friend of all children and to amuse then she changed her pet bird into a rabbit. This rabbit brought forth brightly colored eggs, which the goddess gave to the children as gifts. From her name and rites the festival of Easter is derived."

All other European words for "Easter" derive from the Hebrew word "pasah," to pass over, thus reflecting the Christian holiday's Biblical connection with the Jewish Passover. According to www.godchecker.com: Ostara was very popular with the Anglo-Saxon people, who worshiped her under the name Eostre.

Yet there is something odd about how little there is written about Eostre/Ostara; the myth only resides in one area, and is recorded to exist for a fairly short period of time. Most Sumerian, Greek and Egyptian figures, including Isis, Kali, and Demeter, were widely worshiped for thousands of years, and many of the stories had moral components or attributes to emulate. What's the moral element of the Easter bunny? Something about it just doesn't fit with other myths.

Was it all a joke?

Recent research suggests that the Ostara myth was potentially invented during a mischievous moment by the Venerable Bede. This well-known monk mentioned her in connection with the pagan festival Eosturmonath in a book written in 750 A.D. -- but extensive research has failed to find a trace of her prior to that. Talk about the "stickiness factor" of Malcom Gladwell's book The Tipping Point. Imagine: a famous monk makes up a weird story about a goddess who never existed - who turns a bird into a rabbit that lays colored eggs -- and it morphs into a mega-watt holiday celebrated the modern world over.

Wow. Bet that gets your bonnet in a tizzy. Imagine the irony in making up a goddess myth, which becomes linked with the "greatest story ever told," and simultaneously serves as a mecca of commerce for Hershey's, hat makers and basket weavers. For those who are devoted Christians: does this affect the power of His word and His teachings? No, but come on, it is a pretty darn good story.

A little food for thought this holiday weekend! Whatever you celebrate: Happy Passover, Happy Spring and Happy Easter to everyone. Enjoy the sweet balance you find with your family, friends and the emergence of Light. And please save some of those marshmallow chicks for me!

Love to hear your comments of how you celebrate the coming of Spring, Easter or Passover, and how you find deeper meaning in the holidays. To receive notices of each weekly column, click on 'Become a Fan' above.

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How to Guide Your Life with Confluence

2010-03-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

Confluence: a coming or flowing together, meeting, or gathering at one point - or the flowing together of two or more streams. Isn't that a great word? With the rising swell of Spring, many rivers are literally surging with confluences. And, as the outer world often mirrors the inner process, "confluence" represents a coming together of random moments in your life that are startlingly familiar. It is the mystery that surrounds those funny 'coincidences' that bring your life an awakening, or nudge you in a new direction.

If you hear someone's name mentioned by a friend, see their name in the paper, and then run into them - that is confluence. If you decide you are going to start a new business, bump into someone who can design your business cards, and find a customer within the first week, you guessed it- confluence. These are not random events, but, according to Beverly Sastri, life coach and founder of "Live Like You Mean It", confluence is a cosmic nudge from the Universe offering profound insights - if we are willing to notice them.

Beverly Sastri is a master at seeking out the confluences of life. Like a super sleuth, she helps her clients by listening carefully, and stringing together seemingly insignificant events like puzzle pieces. According to Sastri:

Confluence is more than mere coincidence; it represents a universal gift, providing us with insight to our own intuitive ecosystems. Confluence is the resonating message you see on the billboard, the name that links you to a successful relationship, and the thought that comes to you out of nowhere.

A confluence takes the form of guidance, opportunities and lessons. Maybe it is a chance encounter at a party, or something you see on TV that bores into the core of your being, or a casual interaction with a stranger that leaves an indelible mark. When we race through our lives, those little confluences can be missed, and the lessons offered passed by. Sastri stresses:

Get interactive with your life and look for the metaphors - like Spring - with the new growth and confluence of rivers. There is truth in that! The reason we talk about cleaning and rebirth in the Spring is not just literary license. That is us at a core level, relating to the different ways life is a reflection of everything else."

I have to admit, I am fundamentally suspicious of anyone who calls themselves a "life coach." Coming out of the old school world of management consultants or professional training and development, the surge of the coaching profession seemed like a free-for-all for anyone to take a week long course and suddenly be qualified to give others advice. I have seen plenty of coaches who run on ego alone, and significantly misguide their clients.

However, Sastri's MBA from Cornell, and her years in working with Fortune 500 companies, coupled with her very "Zen" approach to life stood out from the crowd. I agreed to participate in a 12 session experience and find out what a qualified coach can do with a highly opinionated, skeptical chick like me.

Ahem. I think I am addicted. One of the gifts I learned is the simple act of stopping my 'Orient Express' pace, and observing the flow of life from one week to the next. It is amazing how much happens, and how many little gifts of "confluence" are so easily overlooked. Sastri slows down the raging streams, and calls attention to the little river stones that have washed to shore.

One of the tips to recognize a confluence in your life is the "power of three." If anything comes to you three times - that is a sure sign to pay careful attention. Sastri calls them "door openers," and suggests always following an experience that feels like an open door, instead of beating our hands bloody on the closed ones.

The natural energy of Spring is beckoning, and the creative drive kicks into high gear. Many of us come out of hibernation with pent up energy to start gardening, clearing out closets, painting, writing, or even changing our appearance with a hair cut or new clothes. Use it, and the power of confluence, to set a new goal for anything from weight loss, career change, new hobby, shedding unhealthy relationships, or just being more mindful and gentle with yourself, as the sun melts away the rigidity of winter. Soon the summer laziness will set in, so do it now!

I love watching my crocus, tulips and daffodils poke their heads out of the ground this time of year - and wonder what it would be like to dialogue about a Spring flower's process of starting to sprout out of the half thawed ground. It is a great mirror of our human process of change and growth. I bet it could be described as painful; "ouch, popping that fresh green shoot out of this hard bulb hurts!" Followed by fear of the unknown; "hey, it's dark down here! Which way is up?" Followed by increasing confidence and drive; "Oooh, man, this dirt is hard, but I'm on a roll and can't stop now!"

Maybe the little shoot even gives up for a time during a sudden Spring snow squall. But, eventually - a confluence of events happens: a magical warm day comes along where the Earth softens up, the birds start singing their songs, and that tender green shoot triumphantly pops out of the Earth. After that, true growth begins with a fury. The shoots seem to double in size every day, and in no time, blazes of color are everywhere.

Confluence is like that. Life is like that. Have you experienced "confluence" in your life? In what ways? Love to hear your comments below, and Let's spend the week being a super sleuth of our lives and noticing the inner details. Thanks to Beverly Sastri, who is offering an upcoming teleseminar for those interested to learn more.

International Women's Day -- Celebrating Reinvention And Survival

2010-03-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

In my previous post, I wrote about our traditional social life, vs. the expanding world of social networking. I promised two follow up stories about each, but Monday is International Women's Day. I couldn't resist. In some places like China, Russia, Vietnam and Bulgaria, IWD is a national holiday. I decided to roll both stories together - tied with a big bow to celebrate our ways as women.

As most men can attest, women are changelings. We love to change our hairstyle, our nail color and our fashions with the turning of the seasons. We do spontaneous things - like grab and hug each other in the grocery store. We love to laugh with Julia Robert's style whoops. We love to talk, and talk - and talk. When someone we love gets a "boo boo" of the physical or emotional kind, we are always there - usually with food.

Women are experts at surviving - picking up the pieces, throwing on some lipstick and getting back out there, in our careers, personal lives or physical health. Erica Tannen is one of those changeling women everyone wishes would be their best friend. Fabulous, loud, funny, and savvy, Tannen has been in the fashion retail world for over 30 years. She knew what women wanted, and how to deliver.

After having a daughter and moving into a tiny town in "the country" she let go of her bustling career, and reinvented herself as a full time mother.

"I loved it - for the first year or so," Erica laughed. "And then I was soooo bored! I had no idea what to do after I cleaned the house and went to yoga class! I didn't want to go to lunch, and realize I have zero skills as a housewife."

Tannen realized she had been spending a lot of time sending emails to girlfriends about her favorite new restaurant, a cool skirt at a local shop, or great scone at a bakery - and had an idea. "I decided my skills as a buyer could translate into skills as an editor, to find the nice things in life women like to buy and put it out as a weekly eblast."

The "E-list: an Excruciatingly Opinionated Guide to the CT Shoreline" was born, and quickly became a local sensation for women. Bound by our shared obsession with email and shopping, women eagerly waited for her weekly smorgasbord to hit the Inbox featuring the cutest sandals down the street, favorite fish entree, or cool art exhibit. Local ads made it self-supporting.

Tannen now has over 4,500 'friends,' yet they were invisible tendrils in cyber land. Social networking was exciting, yet vacuous.

Tannen reflected, "I have created a wonderful life for myself out here, but I spend so much time on screen, I forgot the daily interactions with women are what keeps me going."

Tannen's latest reinvention to balance what women really want, came this winter by converting an abandoned showroom into an "Insane Inside-Sidewalk Sale." Local merchants brought sale items, and over 900 women showed up to shop, giggle, show-off something new - not to mention celebrate the simplicity of gathering together. Eblasts are ok, but parties are better!

I am convinced women must have regular social interactions to feel healthy and alive. After investigating the impact of social networking, Facebook reminds me of shopping at the mall; fun, mindless, and satisfying in some weird sort of way. Browsing the various stores is similar to 're-connecting' online. Maybe you take the time to stop in a store and actually try a few things on, and maybe you check out someone's profile and leave a message - but the point of "going to the mall" or hanging out of Facebook is mostly to merge in to the mindless mass of humanity for awhile.

Larissa Lytwyn a 28-year-old freelance writer, agrees.

"Facebook is a great way to stay in touch, but it is not a substitute for real life, and remembering what really matters."

Lytwyn felt many women her age are not investing enough time in physical connections. Recognizing she was getting too obsessed with Facebook, so she took a month off to go out to dinner and movies with friends instead. "I was amazed at how much time I had," she laughed.

You know when women's gift for connecting and "being there" really kicks in? When the shit hits the fan. As a final nod to International Women's Day, here's a tribute to the true survivors: those who looked the face of cancer in the eye, and are still here to talk about it. Beth and Leslie are two breast cancer survivors, and fast friends - who scoff at Facebook and emails as a way to "stay in touch."

"I need the touch of your hand, and the white's of your eyes," smiles Leslie faintly.

Both women knew each other through their children, and were "friendly" in that general sort of way - until both fell to the terror of breast cancer, one after the other. They found a deep intimacy of discussing the gore of drains, knowing that Carnation Instant Breakfast is all you can eat, silk scarves feel best after the hair falls out, and coolers of food placed at the front door spares having to force a gracious chat.

"No one truly understands what it is like, unless you go through it yourself," muses Beth. "Being a survivor does not end after your hair grows back, and the women who have been through it bond together forever."

I ran into both women at the grocery store one day - pushing a cart together, sporting freshly grown hair styles and gigging about a new clinical trial they are in that involves going to a gym three times a week. Of course I hugged them, laughed uproariously with them and drove home touched in the deepest place inside. I love being a woman, love my friends, and am so grateful they are still here.

In honor of International Women's Day, take a break from Facebook and get out there to hug and giggle with the women who mean the most to you. Tell me a story about a special woman in your life in the comments below.

Balancing Social Networking with a Social Life

2010-03-02T09:42:00.001-08:00

I have come to believe that the Internet and other modes of global communication are not just tools to help us communicate and access information, but also have a symbolic function. They are dynamic images of a global interconnectedness and oneness that belong to life. As symbols they convey a deeper meaning and purpose than their surface function. But in order to access this dimension we have to have the appropriate attitude of receptivity.

How to Balance Social Networking with a Social Life

2010-02-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

I have come to believe that the Internet and other modes of global communication are not just tools to help us communicate and access information, but also have a symbolic function. They are dynamic images of a global interconnectedness and oneness that belong to life. As symbols they convey a deeper meaning and purpose than their surface function. But in order to access this dimension we have to have the appropriate attitude of receptivity.

NurtureShock Part II: Modern Teens are Bored, Anxious and Exhausted

2010-02-13T13:51:00.001-08:00

Last week, I explored the current trends in "overparenting" for younger children, and how many of the best intentions can backfire big time. A small wildfire of commentary followed! Thanks to everyone who shared a wide range of viewpoints. Certainly nothing can be closer to the heart than the fate of our offspring - besides our own report card as parents.

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman have been stirring this pot for quite some time with their consistent articles in Newsweek and their fantastic book NurtureShock- New Thinking About Children.

What struck me about the dialogue are the pervasive levels of fear. Many parents today are just plain scared. They are scared of sex offenders, pedophiles and kidnappings to such a degree it has become justified to monitor our children's every waking moment. Yet, the odds of being kidnapped and killed by a stranger are about 1 in 1.5 million, and 80% of kids who are molested are victims of friends or relatives. Experts agree that playing on the playground, at the park, or with the neighborhood kids would not have prevented such heinous acts.

Death by injury has dropped more than 50% since 1980, yet parents lobbied to take the jungle gyms out of playgrounds, and remove recess altogether for middle school and high school aged kids. What is this fear doing to our kids?

Being a teenager is filled with enough anxieties as it is. Having zits, hair in strange places, and feeling stirred by the passions of a first love have turned adolescent worlds upside down since time immemorial. However, teens today are facing issues like being unable to fill their free time, not being allowed to take risks, and being physically exhausted.

The words, "I'm bored" are about as common for teenagers as "I'm hungry." Remember those long summer vacations we used to fill by aimlessly wandering around, making up things to do? Forget it. Kids are often scheduled for a majority of their free time, from toddler-hood through graduation. Extra-curricular activities routinely run through dinner and into the evening on school nights, and it is not uncommon to have games or events on both Saturday and Sunday year round - including the summer.

Modern parents are often exasperated that the moment they return from some activity, the child or teen announces they are bored within ten minutes of being home. How can this be? According to Linda Caldwell, who researches Leisure Studies at Penn State, full fledged boredom sets in around 7th grade, and increases through high school.

Caldwell also found boredom and free time were not necessarily related. Lots of really busy kids were bored- either because they were signed up for a lot of activities they really didn't want to do, or they were so used to having all their time planned out; they had no idea how to fill it on their own.

"The more controlling the parent, the more likely the child is to experience boredom," said Caldwell.

Many successful organizations have instituted "Pareto's Principle" - which states that 80% of effects come from 20% of the cause. In plain English: unscheduled time to look out the window, dream and be bored can bring the greatest creative insights that end up driving the future. Google, Best Buy and other cutting edge organizations offer 20% time off to some of the management staff for hobbies- with unparalleled results in business innovations.

Clearly both adults and children can use Pareto's principle. If teens are not allowed 20% of their time to be less structured, they are robbed of the opportunity to sink into the deeper recesses of their minds to "make something up" or explore their inner selves via making a go-kart, a craft, writing in a diary or even walking around the neighborhood talking to the clouds.

Not having "time off", coupled with our post-9/11, Bush-era regime of fear, has contorted itself into modern "hovering" or "helicopter parents" who cannot let their kids alone, and they are growing up anxious, afraid of their own shadow, and unable to take any risks we would have done in a heartbeat growing up.

According to Time Magazine's article "The Backlash Against Overparenting" Lenore Skenazy, became known as America's Worst Mom," because she let her 9-year-old son ride the New York City subway alone. A Yale educated Mom, she has stood her ground, and written a book called, Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry.

Her argument has been corroborated elsewhere with studies that demonstrate teenagers in particular, need an element of risk in their lives. Dr. Adrianna Galvan at UCLA created ingenious research using fMRI scanners to reveal that teenagers require a greater degree of stimulation, or intense excitement, than adults or children. At the same time, the prefrontal cortex, which regulates risk and consequences, takes a simultaneous dip. Big surprise.

"All this fits the pattern we see, where adolescents seem sluggish in literature class, drink like a fish on Saturday nights, and don't seem to realize it's a bad idea to put five friends on a golf cart while driving it down a steep hill with a sharp turn at the bottom," said Bronson.

There is a good reason Arianna dedicated last month to the subject of sleep- as it is a huge issue with teens. The fact is, teens require 9.5 hours of sleep in order to function, regulate emotions and thrive. Most teens have a 7 a.m. bus, and get up around 6 a.m. That means they would have to be asleep at 9:30 p.m. Know ANY teenagers who go to bed at 9:30? Try 11 p.m. to midnight. 6.5 hours of sleep per night is causing rampant exhaustion in teens, increasing anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, ADHD, and obesity. Only 5% of high school kids are getting the adult recommendation of eight hours.

NurtureShock dedicated an entire chapter to the negative effects of sleep, and showed that even losing a single hour of sleep can cause a 6th grader to perform like a 4th grader, and anywhere from 20-33% of kids are falling asleep in class at least once a week. Alarmingly, the brain remains "under construction" until close to age 25, and during sleep time, the brain categorizes and processes what it learns during the day.

A few progressive communities, like Edina, Minnesota took the bull by the horns and pushed back the start times for high school students from 7:25-8:30am. Guess what? SAT scores went up 56 points for math and 156 points. In Lexington, KY, after delaying high school start time, teenage car accidents decreased 25%.

We have a lot to learn, that is for sure. Are your teens tired, anxious and bored? Let's continue our conversation as we look at our next generation of leaders, and how to best serve them.

NurtureShock: How Praise, Protection and PBS are Ruining Our Kids

2010-02-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

With the rise of stay at home dads, Einstein babies and hyper competition, being a kid today is radically different than it was a generation ago. As a parent, I have to say that I find the controlled environments and high expectations surrounding how to raise our children to be so different from when I was a kid that it is hard to keep up.

This blog is the first in a two-part series exploring the recent trends in "Over-Parenting." Today, I will focus on some of the circumstances involving younger children, and next week I will turn to teens.

While there are many improvements for life as a kid today - like car seats and really cool playground equipment - a lot of things are downright stressful and disappointing. Here is a top ten list of things I personally can't stand as a modern American parent:

Playdates.

Endless "after school activities" that eliminate dinner altogether

Uggs, Beatles Guitar Hero and cell phones for 9 year-olds

The lack of freedom for kids to ride bikes all over town for fun

No paper routes or lawn mowing or weed pulling for extra cash

No more "Come Home When the Streetlights Are On" neighborhood standards

Fighting constantly to "downshift" our family routine.

Having to serve macaroni & cheese or pizza at every kid gathering

Texting instead of using the spoken word to communicate

Eight% of kids walking to school today vs. over 75% when I was a kid.

What has HAPPENED to us as parents? We bought into the notion that the world is a very scary place, when it is safer than ever. Toddlers are strapped down with every safety device known to man just to get out and learn to rollerskate or ride a bike, and all of their recreational time is carefully planned and monitored from the moment they can crawl.

We have succumbed to the consumer haze, and sold our souls to China. The seductive acceleration of our time over-saturates kids with choices, over-books their time with activities, and pushes them to stress before they should ever know the word.

I recently read a groundbreaking book for parents: NutureShock- New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. I was underlining like mad, dog earring pages left and right, and calling my husband every five seconds to read a passage. It's a must-read. Essentially, the take-away is that parents today are treating their kids as if they are mini-adults, when, in fact, they require vastly different tools and parameters to grow up.

Similar to Malcom Gladwell, Bronson and Merryman are journalists who know how to wrangle out some of the most groundbreaking research on children that has been conducted in years, and put it all together in a series of topics that will knock your socks off - like why kids lie, how praising kids paralyzes their growth, and how our focus on "prosocial" TV shows is contributing to relational aggression and bullying.

Let's face it, adults like to be praised. It raises our motivation, and is a key tool in any business environment. However, when children are constantly praised and told they are "smart," it reduces their confidence and motivation. Kids who are touted as smart are often afraid to tackle a challenge because they perceive they should be able to get it instantly. They stop trying.

Rather, children are best served by being praised for their efforts. 'Trying hard,' or 'doing your best' encourages their sense of autonomy and ability, rather than a vague notion of being smart. Think it's easy? Parents have the hardest time remodeling this one, but kids respond almost instantly.

One of the most controversial and potent chapters in the book revolves around "nice" TV, and its potential contribution to the rise in bullying. Interestingly enough, it appears kids are not watching any more TV than a generation ago, but the new trend in programming is towards "prososcial" shows often seen on PBS like Clifford and Caillou or even Sponge Bob. They are supposed to teach our kids how to be 'nice.'

But, it isn't working. We have forgotten that kids do not function like adults, who can learn a resolution or moral of a story at the end. The conflict is what they ingest. Dr. Jamie Ostrov and Dr. Douglas Gentile spent two years studying preschool kids from well off Minnesota families and monitored the types of television programming they watched; from the more violent Power Rangers to the educational PBS shows like Arthur.

They were shocked to discover the increase in any sort of physical aggression was no different between the two, and even more astounded to find that the educational television had a dramatic effect on "relational aggression," which shows up in comments like, "you're not my friend," or "we're not going to play with you anymore."

How can this be? I can see all the new parents bemoaning it now; PBS essentially saves the sanity of any adult who is raising a toddler- don't take that away! Yet, check this out: Ithaca conducted a follow up study to review 470 half-hour television programs commonly watched by children, and recorded every time a character insulted someone or put someone down.

Ninety-six percent of all children's programming includes verbal insults, and of the 2,628 put-downs identified, only 50 circumstances featured some sort of reprimand or correction -- and not once in an educational show. "Fully 84 percent of the time there was only laughter or no response at all," found Dr. Cynthia Scheibe.

"The more kids watched, the crueler they'd be to their classmates," Ostorov reported from the Minnesota study. "The correlation was 2.5 times higher than the correlation between violent media and physical aggression. They were increasingly bossy, controlling, and manipulative, and it was stronger than the connection between violent media and physical aggression."

As a mother, I fully understand the power of guilt, and feeing guilty or responsible for every imperfection in our kids, or every misstep we may take as a parent. This book is not meant to make all of us feel guilty that we are wrecking our children's lives, but rather presents solid and even uplifting revelations into the unique make up of what kids need. Bottom line, kids need some conflict, they need to fight with their siblings, they lie, and they might even benefit from seeing their parents fight when they can also witness the resolution.

Some of the traditional concepts of more free time, being bored, setting consistent rules and not fretting over a game of cowboys and Indians may not be so bad after all.

Let's start a dialogue here this week and next. What say you, parents of younger children? Are you stressed out and wondering what happened to parenting life? What do you think of some of the current parenting trends- both positive and negative? Leave a comment below, and follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

Funniest Sleep Deprivation Stories From Readers

2010-01-30T13:49:00.000-08:00

If you haven't noticed, our writers and contributors have come up with just about every possible story related to sleep, and for good reason. Over 90 million Americans suffer some sort of sleep deprivation or insomnia symptom every single night.

That is a sobering statistic, with huge implications in how our reaction time, clarity and focus is affected in everything we do -- from work productivity to driving. Last week I decided to lighten up the subject a little bit, and poke fun at ourselves and the hysterical things we do while bone tired. After all, walking zombies do some pretty funny stuff! Here is the link to last week's post.

I am amazed at the sheer volume of funny stories I received this week reflecting the idiotic things we do when sleep deprived. Here are some of the "best of the best" from a variety of good sports who confessed some of their funniest moments:

Putting both contacts in one eye ... almost mistaking nail glue for contact solution ... going to sleep and forgetting the dogs were outside in the cold ... putting the dust pan in the refrigerator -- and the milk on the floor near the broom ... looking for my glasses and wearing two pairs on my head ... finding the butter in the dish cabinet ... wearing a terrific suit and two different black pumps ... and finally -- going through the drive thru for coffee and ordering from the trash can.

Classic. It just goes on and on.

One reader shared this little gem:

I once spent five minutes searching desperately for my cell phone, complaining the whole time about it being missing, to my girlfriend, who I was talking to on my cell phone. This went on until she timidly asked "Are you using your cell phone right now?" It was such an out of body experience, I just hung up.

Another brave soul bared it all with this story:

Probably TMI, but my best story is falling asleep on the can in the middle of the night with my head resting against the facing wall. I was awakened by a house guest. How embarrassing.

And this one is my all time favorite:

Many years ago I had to do a presentation. When I got to the meeting and opened my brief case, I realized I had been carrying a backgammon board all morning.

I spent some time this week talking with renowned sleep expert; Dr. Richard Shane, who is a psychotherapist and has been working with sleep issues for decades. He has developed a simple way to help identify easy tips to "lean into sleep" once your head hits the pillow; and a great system for insomniacs to learn how to get to sleep reliably without medications. Turns out, he also has a great sense of humor.

Here are a couple of his favorite jokes around insomnia:

In the middle of the night, George was pacing back and forth in his room, unable to sleep. This woke his wife, who asked him why he couldn't sleep. He replied, "You know that thousand dollars I borrowed from Bob next store? Well it's due tomorrow, and I don't have it, and I'm anxious and can't sleep." His wife said, "Honey, I have the solution." She opened up the window and yelled to the house next store. "Bob, wake up." A light went on in the house next store and Bob stuck his head out of his window. She continued, "You know that thousand dollars my husband owes you? Well he doesn't have it!" Then she closed her window and turned to her husband. "There, now let him pace the floor and you go to sleep.

Here's another:

Sid Caeser was a very popular comedian in the 1950s and 60s. Someone told me that he once did a routine in which he had insomnia, was tossing and turning and disturbing his wife, Imogene Coca, so she told him he had to get help. The next scene is of the next night and he says, "Honey, I saw a sleep doctor today and I know just what to do." He gets in bed, closes his eyes and says, "Good night feet. Good night ankles," and moves his way up through his body. Finally he says, "Good night, brain." Long pause. "I SAID GOOD NIGHT, BRAIN!" So much for progressive muscle relaxation.

As many of us know, laughter is the best medicine in life. When we can laugh at ourselves, even when we're so tired we can't remember why we went into a room, it helps us to lighten up, and then potentially be able to shift gears out of that crabby mood or lethargic slump.

Dr. Shane has assembled a YouTube medley of some of the funniest television clips of insomnia from the classics of Lorel and Hardy and the Little Rascals. Check it out. While the clip is a full seven minutes, it's worth it. The last clip of the guy using a calculator to count sheep is worth the wait:

Science has already proven that laughter is helpful to heal us when we are sick. However, no studies have yet been conducted as to the potential benefits of comedy to help improve sleep. Here's a challenge as we hit the home stretch of our sleep challenge: for the next seven days, before going to bed at night, put on a show that really makes you laugh, or read a funny book instead of watching the horrors of Haiti on CNN, or some really bad reality show. Notice if it makes any difference during the night or the next day. Both Dr. Shane and I will be collecting stories of how it goes, and what you notice.

In the meantime, know that if you can't find your car keys, or your shoes, or your child - you are not alone! Join our little club here with any good stories you have in our zombie party! Feel free to share this on Twitter, Facebook, etc. and click on Become a Fan to receive weekly updates

The Humor of Sleep Deprivation

2010-01-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Oops! Is that my face in the keyboard? Being chronically sleep deprived is no laughing matter, and hence Cindi Leive from Glamor, and Arianna Huffington have partnered in a quest to "throw the covers" off of an issue that has been "swept under the rug" for far too long.

Both admitted to 'falling off the wagon' in the first ten days of a month long sleep challenge. Cindi captured a funny rundown of her mental ramble at 3 a.m., followed by locking herself out of the house after a morning run.

When we are sleep deprived, everything is amplified and dulled at the same time. Sounds are louder, emotions are hotter, tears are right under the surface; and yet our reflexes and recall skills are much slower- ever noticed that? When I am exhausted, I can't remember where I parked my car after a five minute run into the store, but the second my husband looks at me cross-eyed, I am a ball of fury and sobs.

I admit I have done some really stupid things while being sleep deprived. I have burned many a tea pot, forgotten the names of people I have known for years in the middle of a conversation, showed up for a meeting at the wrong place and the wrong time, and once even left behind one of my kids at the bottom of a ski slope, to go inside for lunch.

Most recently, after a night of four interruptions from everything from pre-teen nightmares to pee pee sheets, I went to the gym to try and wake up. I climbed onto the elliptical machine, plugged into CNN and started groovin' along. After about 15 minutes, I wondered why I was sweating like a pig. I looked down, and realized I had walked out the door, and was now working out, with my shearing slipper boots still on.

What are some of the absolute DUMBEST things you have done while being sleep deprived? Let's lighten up this subject and share some of our biggest giggles and yawns!

Maria Miranda, Facebook expert, and founder of Miranda Creative shared a few juicy examples of a savvy business owner on too little sleep. While she admits to locking herself out of her house, like Cindi, as well as leaving the keys in the car door - I loved her story of leaving the keys in the fridge while grabbing a drink, and having no idea where to find them.

"I was just joking about this subject, so it is on the top of my mind," said Miranda. "Twice I have done a 'Google' search on my Blackberry, and then held the phone to my 'ear' as if I would 'hear' the results!"

Another classic story came from a wiped out woman at work who was on the phone with a client, and automatically said, "I love you" at the end of a business call. A single mom in Florida admitted to pouring coffee into her daughter's sippy cup for preschool; and then drove off, gulping nasty apple juice from her 'to-go' mug.

Mika Brezinski, anchor of MSNBC's "Morning Joe" is a busy TV celebrity, mother of two, and is no stranger to functioning with little sleep. In her recent book, All Things At Once, she opens up about her very human life, and the balancing act of motherhood and career - including falling down the stairs with her newborn from sheer exhaustion. She confessed on Barnes & Noble Tagged, that the shirt she is wearing on the cover of the book, was the shirt she showed up in for the photo shoot- after falling asleep with her clothes on the night before.

One of my favorite sleep deprived stories describes a woman in her late 40's who had a surprise new baby and was back in the newborn haze. She was running through Old Navy for a few baby items, and got stuck in an endless line that would never move. As she stood there getting more and more infuriated, she finally woke up to realize she has been standing for twenty minutes -behind an Old Navy mannequin.

No wonder there is a Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts on every street corner these days. Finding the humor in our mutual calamity may make it easier to shut the world down whenever a moment allows- in the parking lot during lunch break, on the couch with the kids, or before Jay Leno finishes the "early-late" show. After all, wearing your pj's to work is only funny once.

Breathless and Without Pants: A Decade in Review

2010-01-10T04:36:00.000-08:00

January is always a crossroads month. Everyone seems ready to jump back into the routine, clear out clutter and get busy. Yet, it is also a great time to take a moment and examine the territory we have crossed, and look toward the future path ahead. It is a time of forgiving, forgetting, organizing, dreaming, planning and resolving.

The weight of a new decade makes this process even more poignant. Before jumping back into the daily grind, let's take a moment to pause and consider: where were you ten years ago? What did the world look like to you then, and what did you hope for? What did you imagine the world would look like in 2010?

Imagine you are holding the last decade like a Star Trek style crystal prism in your hand where you can twist, turn, and review images from 2000-2010. When the ball dropped exactly ten years ago at the dawning of the new millennium, everyone was in world wide panic about "Y2K" and world wide destruction. Remember that ultimate dénouement?

Ten years ago today, the Supreme Court was debating who would be president. Al Gore lost, bummed out for a year or so, made up a slide show - and now global warming is a household word. The world has been rocked by severe weather patterns world-wide, melted glaciers, extinct species of animals, and polluted waters. Who knows how we will deal with it in the next ten years.

A decade ago, September 11th had not yet happened, and flying in an airplane was still a pleasant experience. We were not at war. We did not know what swine flu was, and had no idea the entire financial market would crash, leaving millions broke, out of a job and without health care. Gas prices in 2000 averaged about $1.46/gallon.

In the year 2000, only 35% of us had email, and most of us had never heard of a laptop or had a cell phone. We had hobbies then. We actually talked on the land line, watched TV shows at the time they were aired, and listened to an entire CD for music entertainment.

When you get right down to it, the fundamental changes in how we interact with one another over the last decade are beyond astounding. Think of it:

•Today over 85% of American's use cell phones and 81% of use their phones for data use; texting, emails, photos or games. My kids rarely "talk" on their phones.

•A decade ago, the word "blog" did not exist. In fact, Brad Graham, the man who coined the word, "blogosphere" died this week at the age of 41. See NPR article here:
Now there are over 900,000 blogs posts written every day.

•Wikipedia launched in 2001- and is now the largest reference source world wide- written by anyone and everyone. Goodbye encyclopedias and dictionaries.

•A couple of brainiac PhD students invented Google, just over ten years ago, and today Larry Page is worth over 12 billion dollars at age 36.

•Social Networking dominates our culture, yet only came on the scene in the last half of the decade. Check out this time warp: YouTube launched in 2005, Facebook - a toddler of a new business, launched in 2007 and Twitter - veritable baby, hit the streets in November, 2008.

Today, over 200 million of us are using Facebook, with no end in sight.

"Every once in a while a platform comes along that allows people to build a completely new application -- sometimes even starts new industries," said Mark Zuckerberg at his national launch a mere THREE years ago.

Has this ride down memory lane left your head spinning? No wonder Arianna is on a campaign for more sleep! The past decade has been dark at times, intense, and flying along like the California wildfires. I don't know about you, but I need a break. Before we barrel ahead into the next ten years, let's step off the roller coaster for a while, gain some perspective, and reflect on the pure possibility of what is to come.

When Kings and Queens found themselves stressed out with the weight of the world on their shoulders, they would call in the Court Jester or the Fool. The sheer frivolity of their antics would counterbalance life's magnitude, and bring joyful laughter.

The world could use a few Court Jesters- and I found a one in the subterfuge group, Improv Everywhere. Their purpose is to "cause scenes of chaos and joy in public places." Their New Year's mission is called, "No Pants Subway Ride 2010." Overwhelmed by the decade looming ahead? Feeling defeated by your New Year's resolutions already? Just take your pants off!

This Sunday in New York City, thousands of people are riding the subways - and calmly taking their pants off while going about their everyday business. That's right. Imagine sitting on the blue line, texting away in 2010 bliss, only to notice your neighbor shedding her jeans and waiting for her next stop in her panties - and they guy next to her in his boxers. Why you ask? Well, why not?

No matter how far our technologies push us, or what scary disaster is waiting around the corner, nothing can replace the tenacity of the human spirit, or our uncanny ways to come together.
Check it out:

Pants on, or pants off; here's to another ten years. Enjoy the ride!

SO, Huff Po readers, what amazed you in the past ten years? What funny ways do you counterbalance life's weights? Love to hear your comments below, and feel free to follow me on Facebook. Click on Become a Fan to receive weekly updates.

A Christmas Carol for Tiger Woods

2010-01-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend marks the arrival of the winter solstice - our longest night of the year, and clearly the infamous Tiger Woods is experiencing a major 'Dark Night of the Soul'.

As much as I am sick to death of hearing about this story - he is still a bright, well educated man who has unlimited potential to re-create his future. Charles Barkley said on CNN that Tiger needs to "talk to a famous person, who truly understands." I agree he needs role models for sure. But, who would they be?

I took my daughter to see the new Disney Christmas Carol movie yesterday. The animation was fantastic, and the archetype of Ebenezer Scrooge serves as a profound reminder of how many are trapped in a dark and hopeless place - dominated by money, power or greed. Scrooge had become a bitter man, and didn't know a way out. During the film, Tiger Woods popped into my head- what ghosts would come and visit him while he is in hiding; shaking in night shirt and cap?

Ghost of Christmas Past: Paul Newman.
Can you just see those baby blues still? All zipped up in his racing suit, imagine Newman floating in to Wood's yacht and gently whispering his famous quote, "What could be better than holding your hand out to those that are less fortunate than you are?" Newman maintained an enviable marriage to Joanne Woodward, kept his joy stick and testosterone funneled in racing cars, and through his giving nature - became one of the world's most important philanthropists.

The famous salad dressing began as a simple gift for friends at Christmas time, and that act of giving took on a life of its own. Today, the Newman's Own Foundation has given over $280 million to charities. In particular, the Hole in the Wall camps was the twinkle of Newman's eye, and he spent hours anonymously with the children.

Newman said, "Whenever I am in the dumps, I come up here, to camp, and it reaffirms everything that I think is really good and generous about this world. " The way to salvation is holding up all the Tiny Tim's who can reopen possibility.

Here is the ghost of Christmas Past himself:

Ghost of Christmas Present: David Letterman.
Get in front of the story baby! No one approves of sexual liaisons, but it does not have to dominate the news 24/7, unless there is mystery and intrigue in the mix. Take a tip from the man himself - this golf tournament was botched beyond belief, so get out of the sand trap and back on a new green - for everyone's sake. Letterman joked that Tiger should stop coming to him for advice, yet also offers a role model of how to get on with business, and the public will follow. Here's Letterman's ghost, with his buddy Tom Hanks, offering a few tips of humorous wisdom:

Ghost of Christmas Future: A young philanthropist; inspired by the Tiger Woods Foundation.
Let's face it; Tiger Woods earns a lot of money: $700 million per year from Nike endorsements alone. A lot of good can come from that money. Kids are out there waiting to be inspired, and the Ghost of Christmas present is a young man who was the winner of a contest sponsored by the Tiger Woods Foundation. At the end of this clip of an excited teenager opened up an iPod touch, and said, "because of a good thing I did, I was rewarded for it. But it would have been worth it even without a reward." Check it out:

There is room for so much more, and maybe Woods' retirement from golf can fuel even greater creative enthusiasm towards the various charitable endeavors already created in his name, like the Tiger Woods Learning Center in CA.

Even though the cold of winter is just beginning, after this weekend every day will gradually grow a little bit lighter. Isn't that comforting in so many ways? With that in mind, let's leave Tiger with his ghosts, and make it a point to turn away from stories that spark shame, humiliation and support a shameless celebration of infidelity. Let the ghosts of philanthropy, humor and possibility remind all of us what is important. You can make a difference by throwing open the shutters of what closes you off, being brave and helping to make a difference in someone's life.

"God bless us, everyone," Tiny Tim.

What say you, Huff Po readers? Any other ghosts who can offer sage advice in this modern day Christmas Carol? We always welcome comments and discussion, and have a happy holiday.

Become a Philanthropist with a Mission

2009-12-10T08:21:00.001-08:00

How many of you consider yourselves a philanthropist? The word conjures up super elite icons like Bill Gates, Oprah and Warren Buffet. However, the true definition of philanthropist is "lover of humanity." It is simple kindness. Bottom line, anyone who cares enough about others to give their time, attention and energy IS a philanthropist.

'Tis the season for giving: a few coins into the Salvation Army bucket, cans for the soup kitchen, extra toys for the hospital, or supplies for the troops. Local and national non-profits send out their appeals this time of year to coincide with year end tax deductions. Ever stopped to really think about what charities mean the most to you and why? Often holiday giving is closely tied with guilt or obligation, as many feel they aren't giving enough, and the whole experience is less than Ho-Ho-Ho.

What is the difference between giving money to a cause you barely know, vs. opening your wallet for a friend who can't cover her grocery bills in line, or running a race for your mother who survived breast cancer? The impact is greater when our personal investment is higher.

I had an opportunity to attend a workshop called "Philanthropy with Passion and Purpose" by Bank of America Merrill Lynch -- a proprietary program to help individuals share, learn and discuss how personal values connect to philanthropic mission and actions. Who would think a bank would offer a quasi personal growth workshop? It was a fascinating process, and I was truly inspired.

Claire Costello is the National Foundation Executive for Bank of America Merrill Lynch Philanthropic Management, and explained why having a mission statement for you values and causes is so important. "Figuring out what you are passionate about, helps you give the way you live," she said. "By developing a personal credo for yourself it affects everything; the way you raise your kids, the friends you make, the business deals you conduct, and how you give your money away."

The process begins with an exploration of your values. What guides the decisions you make in life, and what values drive you? Examples of common values include loyalty, independence, honesty, excellence, diversity, community, spirituality, respect, and so on. Grab a piece of paper and jot down three or four personal values that really resonate with you.

Next, think about the issues that catch your attention, stir your passion or call you to action. Is it conservation and the environment, healthcare, education, science & technology, domestic violence or civic engagement? Again, take that sheet of paper and identify a couple of issues that have deep meaning for you.

Finally, the values and causes you have identified are combined into a formative mission statement of your philanthropy -- stating what you stand for, who you want to impact, and how to accomplish it. Think this is easy? It is actually a challenging and profound experience. I highly recommend trying this with your partner, group of close friends, or as a family exercise.

"Once you begin this process, there is a point of no return," said Costello. "Most people are reactive in their giving, and is has little meaning. If you give based on what you care about, there is much greater personal fulfillment." Aligning values and issues creates a powerful incentive to make a difference, and keep making a difference. It also establishes a graceful way to bow out of requests for causes that are not on the list.

For example, if I identified "family and community" as my top values, with "youth education" as top causes, donating to a startup biotech would not be nearly as fulfilling as helping build and support a Read to Grow program, sponsoring a child to go to school in Africa or mentoring a child once a month as the best investments of my time and money.

How can you express your philanthropic mission statement in a depressed economy? Here are three suggestions:

Writing a check is one way. Many of us have money we spend mindlessly -- a pair of shoes here, latte there, dinner out with wine and dessert -- need I go on? If conservation is your key issue, and loyalty is a high value, choose an eco friendly or green cause, and carve out a small amount of money to give to them each month.

The second way is Time. Volunteering is invaluable -- be a coach, mentor, or helping hand to the causes that represent your deepest commitments. A consistent allotment of time helps the organization to know they can count on you, and often becomes a lovely blossom in the daily grind.

The third is through Advocacy. "In tough economic times, we can still make an impact by simply talking about the causes we believe in and raising awareness, whether it is at a book club, meeting or at work," said Costello. "Sharing your passion can potentially enlist a new donor, or a new volunteer."

Next week, I will highlight a few organizations that offer a variety of causes to engage, so get that "Mission Statement of Philanthropy" going this week, and let me know how it goes. If you have one now, I'd love to hear it in the comments below.

Helene Robbins is the Chair of the Community Fund for Women & Girls and a Vice President at Wells Fargo Private Bank, and helped organize the event I attended. She reflected on the deep generosity Americans share, when a cause is dear to our hearts.

"On September 10, 2001, there was no reason to raise millions of dollars for the survivors of 9/11," she said. "The money that poured in, and volunteers that arrived in droves, were for a cause that literally did not exist the day before."

A crisis brings us together. For many out there, this holiday season IS a crisis. Millions are losing their homes, and more Americans are without jobs than ever. Whether it is time, money or advocacy -- give the way you live.

Thanksgiving is Over- Do I Still Have to Be Grateful?

2009-11-29T08:26:00.000-08:00

Here we are, the weekend after Thanksgiving. The leftovers are gone, black Friday is past, and everyone can resume normal activities. Does this mean I don't have to be grateful anymore?

Being "Thankful" or grateful, gets top billing this time of year, and there are untold articles on the subject. Is it just a fad? Are we only grateful in November? The purity of the Thanksgiving holiday, in sharing an abundant meal with people we love is a lovely ritual, but how many emerge as relaxed and filled with warm fuzzies as anticipated?

I am a big fan of gratitude - it works for me. I filled out a gratitude journal for a solid year when Oprah touted its benefits, and I have read studies that demonstrate cultivating an "attitude of gratitude" can literally help you sleep, decrease stress and improve the overall quality of life. I subscribe to the 42 day "World Gratitude" online affirmation program, I love the new field of positive psychology, and I even took the online gratitude test, and got an A. (If you want to take it too, here is the link).

Apparently, it is ok to "fake it 'till you make it" with gratitude. Just thinking of any old thing you are grateful for is supposed to help rewire your system to keep the Scrooge away. According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, the key with gratitude is consistency. Just being grateful at Thanksgiving is not going to cut it. "If you don't do it regularly you're not going to get the benefits. It's kind of like if you went to the gym once a year. What would be the good of that?"

Yet still, I wonder if that is really true. What is the difference between being thankful and grateful? One area that I have yet to see explored is the quality or depth of these emotions. Saying "Thanks" is one thing, but how often are we overcome with such a deep visceral emotion of authentic gratitude - that it takes the breath away? At our Thanksgiving table, everyone goes around and shares what we are grateful for. It warms my heart, and it is a practice I think is vitally important to teach my children. But, is it a whole-bodied experience of gratitude? Not really.

I sat down and tried to think of the times I was utterly and truly overcome with gratitude. Two stories came to mind: one was earlier this year when we hired a team of housekeepers to come to my disaster of a house with 4 kids under 14 trashing it daily - and give it a thorough cleaning. When I came home, I had never seen my house looking so sparkling and organized. I burst into unexpected tears. The tears were of sheer and utter gratitude.

The second moment of unforgettable gratitude was when my infant twins were a month old. I was beyond sleep deprived, and a woman I barely knew showed up at my door with a rotisserie chicken, a bag of rolls and some salad, so I wouldn't have to make dinner. I will never forget how my jaw dropped and how I held those bags like they were made of sheer gold. I really could have kissed her hands.

Am I grateful for my husband and my kids? Of course. I am grateful to have a house, car and our health too. So, how come the moments that stuck out were about such minor things? I believe the true alchemy of deep gratitude is unleashed - when paired with the unexpected. The kindness of strangers, the helping hand when you were not looking for it, the turning of the tide just when you were on your last breath- that is gratitude in full glory.

According to Margaret Visser, author of the new book, Giving Thanks, the Roots and Rituals of Gratitude, other cultures are a bit wary of the American preoccupation with gratitude. We seem to be conditioned to say the words, "thank you," so often that Spaniards think us insincere. In their culture, if you have to say the words, it means you are distancing yourself from the one's you love - as it is unnecessary to express thanks for that which is automatically done.

If you lived in Japan, the equivalent of expressing gratitude literally translates to the words, "I'm sorry." The Japanese culture is so polite, that when someone offers you an act of kindness, the appropriate response it to be apologetic that you have put them out in any way.

Even if gratitude is a uniquely American obsession- only good things can come from such a lofty focus. Maybe Congress can practice a little Gratitude and see if it helps induce a little cooperative progress, and maybe American's at large can lead the way in demonstrating the outward benefits. In the meantime, have you experienced any of those particularly poignant moments of "Unexpected Gratitude?" Love to hear them!

You can follow this story on Facebook and Twitter, and click on Become a Fan to receive weekly updates. Thanks to all my regular readers, and the new friends I meet each and every week! Writing this column is one of my great sources of joy, and something of which I am abundantly grateful.

Health Care: Make An Offer on PriceDoc

2009-11-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

Remember the days of travel agencies, with brightly decorated offices and exotic posters of far off places? It was the only way to book a trip. Yet, in a few short years, the entire field has been replaced by Expedia, Orbitz and other sites for individuals to find the best price, and book it themselves. A total paradigm change that is here to stay.

Guess what: health care is going in the same direction, and just in time -- with or without government backed plans, or insurance companies who deny care, and rip off doctors. Almost 46 million Americans, from our youth to elders and veterans, don't have health insurance, and millions more carry high deductibles. No one knows the true cost of health care services, and the public certainly does not have a way to find a doctor who offers services at a reduced fee, right?

Wrong. Not as of this week. A brand new company, PriceDoc, is hitting the national market, and is sure to transform everyday health care with the same momentum that brought us Google, Facebook or Priceline. Move over William Shatner! PriceDoc's website gives patients greater power as healthcare consumers by identifying local providers, reviewing credentials and patient referrals, and finding competitive pricing for high-quality healthcare.

By advertising their services and prices on PriceDoc, healthcare providers gain access to "cash-paying" patients who optimize their office scheduling, secure fees for service and offer cash payments that reduce paperwork and overhead costs. Services include dental, vision, chiropractic, and general care. PriceDoc has stringent guidelines to attract high quality doctors and health providers who are willing to offer reduced fees for the same level of care.

George Halvorson, Chairman and CEO of Kaiser wrote a blog for Huff Po this week called We Need an Orbitz for Health," and while he may have been referring to the government, his concept is right on. He said,

Real competition between the best caregivers can happen if those exchanges are set up appropriately and if the real goal is for the provider participants in the exchanges to compete in meaningful ways.

I had a chance to personally interview a few folks who have used PriceDoc during the preliminary launch in Seattle. Katie Kyser is a new mom who left her job, and the health insurance that came with it, because she wanted to stay home with her baby. "We felt, as a family, that it was more important for me to be home to raise our baby at this time, than for me to be gone - just to have insurance coverage."

Kyser needed an OB/GYN, so she called around, and the price for a general visit was $200-400; including Planned Parenthood. After seeing an ad for PriceDoc, she logged in, punched in her zip code, and instantly was able to research a variety of doctors. She selected a well respected women's clinic that would see her for $75.

At first I was skeptical that such a low price meant low quality. However, the clinic was immaculate, the staff was amazing and the quality was much better than the super expensive health care group I used to use.

Medina Blanchette, the nurse practitioner at Woodinville Women's Clinic, said their practice listed their top services, at a significant discount. This concept is wonderful and really is a win-win," she said. "We have found it builds a very positive relationship with our new patients right from the start."

After a positive experience at the women's clinic, life moved on, and Kyser lost a crown in her tooth. She went to a local dentist, who said the tooth would have to be removed, and it would cost over $1000. Panicked, she went to PriceDoc, conducted a thorough search, and found a reputable dentist who would remove it for $175. "I have found there is absolutely no difference in quality, and I am so confident I am willing to use their services on my own child."

Shane Harris is a craftsman for traveling Renaissance Fairs, has not had health insurance in decades, and is not computer savvy. He has experienced severe dental pain for over five years, and could not afford to have it addressed.

Normally, my only option to find a doc is to open the yellow pages, throw a dart, and that's it. But, I saw an ad for PriceDoc, and was surprised I could get on the site easily. I needed a dentist who specializes in tooth implants - because not having any teeth may look good in a medieval show, but not in real life!

Harris found a well qualified dentist, Dr. Swanlund, with specialty training, good credentials and positive endorsements. During his appointment, the dentist found a deep abscess, extracted four teeth and replaced a root canal- for a mere $1086. "All I can say is being out of pain for the first time in five years is euphoric."

Check out both Dr. Swanlund and Shane Harris in this news clip from October:

A few weeks later, Harris found himself battling an excruciating ear infection - and returned to PriceDoc for help. "When I get sick like that, normally I have no choice but to go to a 'doc in the box' or the ER. And with all this flu going around that is the last place I wanted to go."

He found a solo practice physician within ten miles of his home.

This doc was amazing. He could have easily just given me a prescription for antibiotics and thrown me out the door, but instead he spent over an hour clearing my ears to get me out of pain before the meds -- and only charged me $113.

What a refreshing change of pace to hear positive stories from 'Main Street' about health care. Doctors aren't the bad guys -- they really want to help people far more than they want to run complicated businesses. Patients want to find someone they can trust, and are happy to pay a price they believe is fair.

PriceDoc is opening up to cities across the country, and the site includes a blog and Facebook page with interesting health related stories, and regular updates on Twitter. Check it out and encourage your health care providers to participate. Maybe they need to run a contest for the best celebrity spokesperson?

How about you, Huff Po readers? What creative ways have you found to get health care needs met? Feel free to comment below.

How to Reclaim Spare Time

2009-11-08T05:53:00.001-08:00

There is something nostalgic about spare time. Like an old friend you knew once and somehow lost touch. Spare time sits on the side of a broken fence, wheat stalk between its teeth - daring us to watch puffy clouds, or go kicking through Autumn leaves, instead of hen-pecking at the keyboard. Spare time beckons, yet few can hear the whispers over the whir of cpu's and blare of CNN. How do we rope, lasso and reclaim Spare Time?

For many of us, having a moment or two to spare has been replaced by the unending bleeps of text messages, incoming email, unending tasks, hectic schedules of work and family, and constant financial pressure to survive the recession. Most of us cannot make it through a day without drifting to the computer half a dozen times to check email, or carry the cell phone around for a constant fix. Clearly the impact of such a lifestyle cannot be good for us long term.

When I was growing up, the TV shows on air included Andy Griffith- the ultimate in spare time. Remember the theme song whistle during the opening shots; Andy heading out fishing with little Opie? Everyone stood around a lot, talked to each other and managed minor small town incidents. We certainly couldn't have a cop show like that now, with a lot of hanging out, instead of busting up drug rings. Does anyone have time to whistle anymore?

My other favorite childhood show was the Brady Bunch, (which I heard was Michelle Obama's favorite too). They had a LOT of spare time- even housekeeper Alice. All those kids hung out together after school, went on vacation, sang in a band with matching costumes; and those of us watching had enough spare time to memorize every single episode within the first five bars of the opening scene.

What if the Brady Bunch was set today? Imagine Carol running with her super size Starbucks in her super size mini van, conducting a meeting on her cell while in route to take Bobby and Cindy to soccer practice, Jan to her violin lesson, Greg to football, and Marsha to cheerleading. While Mom is multi-tasking; the kids are plugged into iPhones, cell phones, texting, and checking emails. No one is talking to each other, unless it is to pick a fight, and they certainly are not singing, "We're Gonna Keep On, Keep On, Keep On Dancin' All Through the Night."

The temptations upon our time are not in the same stratosphere as they were a generation ago - hence spare time is relegated to the back pasture of our lives. However, I suspect a lot of the activities that consume all hours of the day and night are not as important as we think they are, and learning to step back and evaluate priorities could help generate some vital time... to do nothing.

There has been a lot of news coverage about our declining happiness levels. No wonder we aren't happy - we don't have time to be. A recent UPenn study found that women are categorically less happy than they were 30 years ago. Russell Bishop wrote a piece exploring the fact that men aren't that much happier, and Cara Barker this week conducted some interviews with children, discovering that many of them were unhappy at the lack of contact and connection with their parents.

Sometimes being "happy" is kind of like realizing your nagging headache is gone. The insight is not dramatic, like a bolt of lightning, but comes in a quiet, gentle awareness of relief. Happiness is like that. It takes a healthy dose of spare time to find it. I think Spare Time and Happiness are "BFF", don't you?

Here are a few tips to reclaim Spare Time:

Email Self-Control- declutter your inbox by unsubscribing to anything you don't need or read regularly, and try not to continue long email conversations that aren't necessary. One of Therese Borchard's tricks is to take weekend breaks from her computer. Imagine! This is a great way to scrounge up a ton of free time - think of it as email Sabbath, (Reading this column, however, is an acceptable exception).

Social Networking is junk food, plain and simple. Let's face it - Facebook is the Doritos of friendships and Twitter is a super size box of Fries. Both are tempting, and both are ultimately not all that healthy. Take the time for some "slow food": home-cooked friendships that require face-to-face time. If you are IM'ing someone in your office, get up and try walking over for a change. Facebooking your best friend? Pick up the phone or stop by; imagine how you look from space, hunched over terminals sharing the daily chatter.

Find the "in-between" moments of the day to embrace as spare time. Driving is a great opportunity to do some deep breathing, turn off the noise in your head, and notice the scenery around you, rather than listening to talk radio, eating, or talking on the cell phone. Find the moments in the shower, doing dishes or walking the dog to flatten out as buffer zones of nothingness.

Force yourself to be bored. Remember being bored? It is the MacDaddy of spare time. Kids today think five or six seconds of spare time equals being bored, and many adults' tolerance for unfilled moments is not much better. Set aside several hours once a month with nothing particular to do - and see how it affects you.

Spare Time sauntered into my life last week when swine flu blew through my house. With sick kids, life comes to a grinding halt. Spare Time roped me in by force- and it was not comfortable. To rebel, I filled it with all sorts of backlogged projects like putting together good will donations, painting peeling trim, and clearing up the yard. At long last, I surrendered (the key) and just hung out. It became rejuvenating, and felt great.

We are not wired to go 24/7 with mental chatter. Sometimes just listening to the wind blow is enough to keep you from going over the brink. How does good ole' Spare Time show up in your life these days? Love to hear your comments, and please click on Become a Fan to receive weekly notices, or follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

Are you a Skinny Fat, a Treadmill Rat or a Classic Guy? Find Your Fitness Profile

2009-10-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to the third installment of fitness tips for those of us who are not marathon runners, gym rats, yoga gurus or health nuts. The first blog in the series was "Neighborhood Fitness for Workout Flunkies" and the second, "Top Ten Tips from a Personal Trainer." Maybe you are like me when it comes to fitness: a little lazy, and looking for some new sources of inspiration.

It appears this subject hit a chord with many of you. Thanks to your incredible readership, last week's blog was the #3 most read - with over 51,000 views. Wow! The comments were fabulous and included other ideas, tips and personal stories. Clearly I am not the only one wondering or worried about this subject.

This week is about the secrets of being comfortable in your own skin. My muse of inspiration for this series is Terri O'Hara: an incredibly inspiring mom and personal trainer, who is bringing the idea of fitness and lifestyle back to the basics. No gimmicks, not hype, no false promises - just simple information and refreshing common sense.

The question of how you feel in your own skin translates both physically and emotionally. Physically it can mean fretting that the triceps under your arms flop around, and your backside droops. Emotionally it can be feeling tired and lousy during the day, even with enough sleep. Your answer to the question becomes the starting place for your own fitness program.

Part of lifestyle fitness is gaining a sense of 'well being,' and everyone has their own unique definition. For some, 'well being' may have to do with the inner experience of feeling calm, balanced and connected. For others, it is our physical fitness. And for most, it is a combination of the two. How is your well being lately?

Bottom line, many Americans do not feel comfortable in their own skin, and do not rank their "well being" very high. The tabloids paint a picture of fitness and glamor that is impossible for most people to attain. Over 67% of Americans are overweight, and facing debilitating illnesses like diabetes in record numbers. Clearly the concepts of dieting just don't work.

Think of the French: fabulous, breezy, fashionable - comfortable in their skin - and what do they eat? Bread, cheese, wine and chocolate! What are we missing over here? Check out the wonderful book, "French Women Don't Get Fat" by Mirelle Guiliano for a wonderful read on the secrets of eating for pleasure.

"It is so important to know where we stand with our body." stresses O'Hara. "The only way to figure out how to be comfortable in your own skin is to know where your body needs support, and then you can create a list of what to address first."

When it comes to nutrition - some people need to eat less, or different foods, and others actually need to eat more. When it comes to exercise, according to O'Hara, variety is the key, and the genders have to trade places!

Here are three classic fitness profiles of everyday folks who need a little change in their health and fitness routines, as well as a few expert tips:

#1 The "Skinny Fat" - This is someone who is thin on the outside, but has a high fat content on the inside. They have mastered the ability to starve themselves through most of the day, with coffee and a granola bar, and then pig out on a pound of oysters and camembert cheese in the afternoon. They can look thin, but have a 35% fat level, and do not have effective energy or muscle mass. "These people forgot to maintain nutrition!" said O'Hara, "if they start eating healthy meals and snacks throughout the day, as well as adding resistance training, they will lose that high percentage of body fat and increase their muscles."

#2 "Treadmill Rat" - A classic example of a treadmill rat is Mom USA: she has kids in school, goes to the gym and gets on the treadmill 3-4 times per week, or takes an aerobics class - and is convinced she is making a big difference in her health. "80% of women at the gym are 'doing their thing' on the treadmills or elliptical, and are in a total fitness rut," explains O'Hara. "They are not building any muscle or strengthening their bones, which is so critical in later life. They need to switch with the boys and get on the free weights,and for a great nutrition tip: divide your weight in half and try to eat that many grams of protein each day." (For example: if you weight 120 lbs. you would try to eat about 60 grams of protein each day.)

#3 "Classic Guy"- The classic guy goes to the gym to 'push around some weights.' They have protruding bellies, and love to do arm curls, bench press and build their calves with leg presses. They hang out on the "macho side of the gym" with the free weights. "These guys need to introduce some movement into their routine," said O'Hara. "They need to increase cardio as well as multi-joint, multi-muscular, and functional resistance training."

Here's the bottom line for any fitness profile: strengthen muscles through resistance training, strengthen the heart through cardio, change your weight by keeping a food log of what you eat, and get back in the kitchen. It's that simple.

A great tool to help figure out where to focus is to check out the state of the art website: www.realage.com and take the real age questionnaire. It takes about 30 minutes, and you receive an instant report that shows your real age vs. your physical age. You can be 80 and living like a 50 year old - or vice-versa. It is 100% free, and has some inspiring tips about fitness, health, and lifestyle with the infamous Dr. Oz.

After writing about this for a month straight, I am happy to say I am back in the gym, and gingerly trying to steal a bench press from the guys. I have reassessed my guilt over working out, into a positive movement towards how I want to feel every day. Love to hear your thoughts, inspirations or questions!

Top Ten Tips from a Personal Trainer

2009-10-22T09:46:00.001-07:00

Personal fitness is one of my ongoing challenges to balance in life. Last week, I wrote about how I am a "workout flunkie" and my pursuits of neighborhood fitness - with the help of personal trainer, Terry O'Hara. Most of us can't afford a personal trainer, yet the ideas, support and insights are real gems that have me rethinking the investment!

This week, I want to share her "Top Ten Tips" - and I'll bet you will be surprised they have nothing to do with money, struggle or pain:

1. Your mental image of yourself defines what you will work toward. What is your reason for getting out to exercise in the first place? Is it so your clothes fit better, or to be able to ski this winter without dying on the slopes? Developing a strong mental image that is specific and positive will help motivate and guide your decisions.

2. Nobody eats enough good food. This one is huge, as most of us are on a perpetual diet, and pride ourselves by not eating, or skimping along with a minimal meal in order to splurge later. Wrong! "By 1pm, you should have already eaten breakfast, a snack, lunch, and be getting ready for another small snack," said O'Hara. "You need to take a counter intuitive approach to your diet and until you start eating, the diet cycle can trap you."

3. Your body adapts to everything. This applies to your diet and exercise, or lack of it. If you start walking a route in your neighborhood and think you can just do that forever- wrong! Ever noticed you start on new cardio equipment at the gym and it is hard to get through 20 minutes, but after a month you are hardly out of breath? That means it is time to mix it up and do something new. Try rowing, or stairs.

4. The word "Carbs" is a misnomer for dieting. If you are taking all carbs out of your diet, you are depriving yourself of one of the four necessary nutrients for your body, as well as vital B complex vitamins and critical fiber. Complex carbs contain valuable nutrients responsible for energy production. Cut out the simple processed carbs like cookies or crackers, and replace with plenty of whole grains, oatmeal, or brown rice.

5. Memories dictate bad habits. Ever wonder why you buy the same things over and over again at the store? Do you buy chocolate Oreos because your mother did? "Time to change up the menu," says O'Hara. "Replace those frozen waffles with homemade with fresh blueberries, or forget the top ramen and make a quick soup that is simple and delicious."

6. Face up to your personal statistics. This one really woke me up. Rather than just knowing your weight on a scale or your size of clothes, do you know your body fat percentage, your basic heart rate or the number of maintenance calories you should be eating for your age? "For less than $100, you can hire a personal trainer one time, to help you assess exactly what you need to know," said O'Hara. Or, for absolutely free, O'Hara steers clients to the website: sparkpeople.com to get all your info and ideas on exercises to do. Check it out and get informed!

7. All or nothing exercise gets you nowhere, (or hurt). Lots of people are like me; the pants just get WAY to tight, so we all fired up about working out again, go out and buy new sneakers, and start running everyday like we are old pros. Then after a week, shin splints kick in, and then we quit. Others may hear about a new type of exercise, and try it without building up first, and get injured. O'Hara encourages starting with a solid, organized plan that can keep your progressing and organize a workout schedule you can use for the rest of your life.

8. We are not supposed to get weak and incapacitated as we get older. It is not true that we should stop being physically active as we age, but continue with cardio, resistance training and core building for a lifetime. Tennis, swimming, golf, yoga and power walking can be done forever.

9. It's all about PUSHUPS baby! Come on, be honest, how many "proper" pushups can you do? "If you can't do a push up properly, it means you lack core strength," explains O'Hara, "and that is the most important area to maintain for posture, back support, and ongoing health." For the ultimate challenge (and one that I am going to start myself) check out the One Hundred Pushups website for a full six week program to help you reach the seemingly impossible goal of being able to do 100 consecutive pushups. Wow!

10. There is a fountain of youth! "Strength in life is the fountain of youth," said O'Hara, "strength in keeping the muscles strong and building them, strength in what you choose to eat, strength in your character - it is the absolute secret to a long life."

Next week, to complete the three part series, O'Hara and I will talk about why "French women don't get fat" and more on the power of simple strength. What are some of your "Top Ten Tips" for the workout flunkies to get motivated, and inspired? Love to hear your comments below! Join the conversation, and click on "Become a Fan" to receive weekly updates of this post, and share on Facebook and Twitter.

Neighborhood Fitness for Workout Flunkies

2009-10-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have a funny relationship with fitness, and working out. I never caught on to aerobic classes, kick boxing or the zumba craze. I felt like a dork - stepping left when everyone else was stepping right. I couldn't afford personal pilates lessons with those crazy contraptions. I ordered the "at home" equipment so I could look like Christie Brinkley - forget it. I like yoga, but couldn't make the classes consistently - and I am down right bored with the drone of the gym.

I still get out and bike sometimes, hike sometimes, swim sometimes, ski sometimes -but creating a consistent fitness routine eludes me. If you want to get right down to it, having coffee with a friend trumps working out any day of the week. Apparently, I am known as one of those "in-between" people: not a total couch potato, but not in top shape either.

Does this sound like you? Bored with the gym, or need to save money on monthly dues? This week I am starting a three part series on how to incorporate fitness into your everyday life, with the guidance of personal trainer, Terry O'Hara. In the next three weeks we will explore "neighborhood fitness," followed by tips from the pros, and nutrition basics.

The national guidelines for fitness from mypyramid.gov state that to maintain established fitness levels- you must be vigorously active for a minimum of thirty minutes per day - every day. If you want to lose weight, or to maintain weight loss, vigorous activity is required for 60-90 minutes per day.

"That's pretty aggressive," said O'Hara. "All the articles that say you can get flat abs in 10 minutes per day are wrong. To affect change, you have to make it a part of your life."

O'Hara took me on as a bit of a pet project last year, and created a "neighborhood fitness" program for myself, and a group of girlfriends. Instead of going to the gym or a class, we met in a local parking lot, and spend an hour jogging through neighborhoods, huffing and puffing up stairs, stopping at a nice view for group squats, using park benches for push-ups, and ending with plank style ab crunches, and giggle-filled kegel tightening exercises. Think: "Desperate Housewives Does Basic Training."

It was one of the toughest workouts I had ever done, and a total paradigm shift for me. Everyone loved it; we felt energized, sore and happy. We got our cardio, strength training, and all the week's gossip in one tidy little hour! The numbers grew each week, and all of us were challenged in some particular way. Some could hardly jog a block, while others zipped along. Some struggled with the push-ups and others with stretching. We learned that the gym had actually decreased our overall fitness level - by becoming stagnant with the same exercise pattern over and over again.

"Everyone has to find the goal of what their body needs the most," explained O'Hara. "For some, the goal is to lose body fat to expand their range of movement. Some forgot to do resistance training their whole life - and can't do a single push up. Others have a difficult time running, because their heart is so tired and weak. In a group of relatively fit people, there is a huge difference in what they need to develop."

In between group workouts, the concept of getting in that sixty minutes per day became something to achieve in short increments. I discovered there were plenty of ways I could sneak something in. While waiting for the school bus, I could stretch and do push ups in the yard. In the evenings, I started doing exercises during the commercials of my favorite show - and made it a contest to see how much I could do, before flopping back on the bed for the next installment of Grey's Anatomy.

One of my challenges is running. I could not keep up with the group, even though I was the tallest. I do not like to run long distances, and consistently cramp with a side stitch. I asked O'Hara for other ideas to help me get that "vigorous exercise" under my belt, in the shortest amount of time. She surveyed my neighborhood for options, and noticed I have a fairly steep hill on my street. Viola! My "neighborhood fitness" homework was to run up the hill, and then walk back down again about 4 times. Running UP was the opposite of what I wanted to do!

It worked. I could jog up the hill without a side stitch, and got to the top gasping for air. Running up a steep hill is just enough to get the heart pounding, and walking down offers time to get the breath back. The unexpected challenge of my hill inspired even the most fit to show up and give it a try. Imagine plenty of moans, groans and expletives as middle aged Facebook junkies heaved themselves up and down a sleepy suburban hill. The rewards were quick; the hill got a tiny bit easier to manage each time, if we kept it up.

I am still a work out flunkie. I still don't exercise every day, or nearly as much as I should. However, I now know that I don't need a gym, yoga mat or fancy equipment to be healthy. In fact, I can strengthen my body more than I ever imagined on the swing set, park bench or the municipal building's concrete stairs.

How about you, Huff Po readers? Do you have any "neighborhood fitness" ideas, and are you a fellow work out flunkie? Love to hear your comments below, and be sure to click on Become a Fan if you would like weekly reminders, and Huff Po picks if you are a thumbs up. Time to lace up my sneakers - after my latte, that is.....

Women Moving Millions- the Girls Give Back, Big Time

2009-10-01T17:09:00.003-07:00

Hey ladies: imagine the rush of being able to give one million dollars to the charity of your choice. Think of it: any cause that mattered to you could be the recipient of your gift. Who would you pick? How would it feel? Not to leave the men out here, but I found a sparkling story of women stepping up like never before to flex their financial muscle, and pool their money to fuel a fundraising revolution - despite the drop in the Dow.

Two sisters, Helen Lakelly and Swanee Hunt are scholars of the feminist movement, and discovered that women with money have historically stood on the sidelines of social change. Together they co-founded the Women Moving Millions Initiative, and challenged women to use financial muscle power to lift women's voices in the culture. They set a gigantic goal of raising $150 million over three years, via private one million dollar gifts. Women heard the call within, made their commitments, raised a whopping $180 million for women and girl's foundations world wide - $30 million more than anticipated. 101 individual women and 41 women's funds made gifts of $1 million or more.

"I think we earned the unique status of being the only philanthropic story that surpassed their goals last year, as women began flexing a muscle that had been dormant for centuries," said Lakelly Hunt in a recent interview on NPR.

The initiative is a part of the Women's Funding Network, a collection of over 145 funds for women and girls worldwide, with collective assets of over half a billion dollars. Over 70% of the world's poverty victims are women and children. According to Idealist.org:

"this massive infusion of million dollar investments, spurred by the Women Moving Millions campaign, will be a force for lasting change for women and girls across the globe, with major reverberations for entire communities and countries. Together, women's funds will advance everything from community leadership and education improvement to poverty eradication and increased healthcare access."

I know, I can hear readers lighting up the comment box like a Christmas tree - grumbling about how I can they possibly be writing about million dollar giveaways when most of us are pinching pennies until it hurts. I hear you, believe me. But when hundreds of women ponied up $1 million each - that is a story of empowerment, courage, capacity and vision.

In Dallas, the Dallas Women's Foundation had never had a single $1 million gift before. They sat down and thought maybe they could hope to receive one or two. One year later, Dallas had secured 19 of the $1 million donors - and the women giving were empowered to a level they agreed was 'life changing.'

Here is a short YouTube clip from some of the organizers and donors:

Studies from the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University also show that women are more likely than ever to contribute to charity. In the last 30 years, women's median income has increased over 60%, and more women are becoming educated, and dedicated to giving back. Their studies report that women are less likely to seek recognition, and more likely to want to be involved directly in the causes they support.

This trend of women giving together has trickled down to those of us who don't have such a lofty capacity to give away a million bucks. More and more women are forming "Giving Circles" in their local area. Together they are researching what causes they can support in their local communities, and pooling their charity dollars together for greater impact.

The money they are raising often goes directly into programs and services that impact their neighborhoods and most needy. They gain social benefits, and raise funds with a handshake and a "roll up the sleeves" attitude of barn raising days gone by. Ironically, according to studies from Indiana University, those in the lower income levels historically donate a whole lot more of their net worth to charities than the higher incomes. "The lower income women are the heroines," said Lakelly Hunt.

You go girls.

Women Moving Millions- the Girls GIve Back, Big Time

2009-10-01T17:09:00.001-07:00

"I think we earned the unique status of being the only philanthropic story that surpassed their goals last year, as women began flexing a muscle that had been dormant for centuries," said Lakelly Hunt in a recent interview on NPR.

"this massive infusion of million dollar investments, spurred by the Women Moving Millions campaign, will be a force for lasting change for women and girls across the globe, with major reverberations for entire communities and countries. Together, women's funds will advance everything from community leadership and education improvement to poverty eradication and increased healthcare access."

Resiliency Tips from the 100+ Crowd

2009-09-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

With so many tragic deaths in Hollywood the past few months, Billy Joel's song, "Only the Good Die Young" never seemed more poignant. Watching Patrick Swayze and Farrah Fawcett lose their public battles with cancer makes me wonder - what is the secret to living a long life? What are the tricks from those who beat Father Time at his own game? This week I decided to explore the "centenarians" - people living to be over 100 years old, for clues to resiliency and joie de vivre. Last week, the world's oldest living person, Gertrude Baines, died in Los Angeles, at age 115. She was a lesson in resiliency, and should be considered a national treasure.

Baines was born in 1894, and grew up in Georgia- the daughter of a slave, and lived under Grover Cleveland's administration, and Jim Crow segregation laws. I am sure she has seen hardships that make the recession and the health care debate look like a walk in the park. She received her 15 minutes of fame when she voted for Barack Obama for president. On her 115th birthday, her greatest health complaint was some arthritis in her left knee.

While her story is amazing, Gertrude's status as "supercentenarian"- being over 110, is going to become more and more common, as living to be 100+ is not longer reserved for the select few. With our medical advances, the number of centenarians is expected to reach the one million mark by 2030. 85% of our centenarians are women, and 15% are men.

According to the New Scientist, those who break through the barrier of age 90 are the "physically elite." They somehow escape a full range of diseases that kill off their peers, and enjoy relatively good health. Only 4 per cent of centenarians die of cancer, compared with 40 per cent of people that die in their fifties and sixties. Curiously, centenarians have remarkably low rates of Alzheimer's.

Supercentenarians - people like Gertrude Baines, who are aged 110 or over - are even better examples of aging gracefully.

"As a demographic group, they basically didn't exist in the 1970s or 80s," says Craig Willcox of the Okinawa Centenarian Study in Japan. "They have some sort of genetic booster rocket and they seem to be functioning better for longer periods of time than centenarians."

A comprehensive study of those born in 1905 who are still alive, showed over one third of them were entirely self sufficient. The New England Centenarian Study (NECS) showed that even the supercentenarians - 40% of them, are able to look after themselves even after age 110. Clearly with so many "eldest of the old" managing on their own for nearly a century, one of the keys to resiliency is independence.

Gerontologists point to four key factors for living a long life: diet, exercise, "psycho-spiritual" and social as key elements to survival. Thomas Perls, who heads the NECS, believes that up to 70 per cent of longevity is due to non-genetic factors (New Scientist, 3 June 2006, p 35). The old fashioned ways; simple foods, faith in a higher power, and close friends, will take us a lot farther down the road than promotions at work.

According to the National Centenarian Awareness project: resilient Centenarians are known to have positive attitudes, an adventurous love of life, strong will, a keen sense of humor and an ability to renegotiate life when necessary. It is not enough to rely on good genes, or good circumstances, to enjoy a long and happy life. Often these elders withstood tremendous adversity, and learned positive coping skills that set them apart from the rest.

Here are a few "Resiliency Tips" for any age:

* Never Stop Learning and Growing - - engage the mind by reading books, doing the NYTimes crossword puzzle or make a goal to learn a new hobby every year. Life long learning is one of the highest valued elements of resilient people.

* Eat the Old Fashioned Way- very few, if any centenarians were ever obese, and most are accustomed to hard physical activity. Eat foods that are unprocessed as much as possible.

* Be a Doer and not a Complainer- Help a friend, take that class, and take small steps forward every day to manage a challenge. That stubborn attitude keeps the dangerous tide pool of complacency at bay.

* Simple Pleasures- Hobbies are not just moments of wasted time - leisure is vital to our health. Whether it is woodworking, knitting or bird-watching, the simple pleasures is time well spent.

* Well, Um, Sex!- My father-in-law is 101. One of his only medical maladies is a benign condition that makes his hands shake- making it difficult to hold a cup or small objects. When offered medication to help correct this problem, his doctor explained the usual list of side effects. One of them was erectile dysfunction. Needless to say, he refused the medication - and my 87 year-old-mother-in-law nodded her head in absolute agreement. An active sex life is a blessing and a gift you can take to the grave, baby.

Do you have any "wise elders" in your life, or know any centenarians? What are their special qualities that contribute to their longevity? Love to hear your stories. Feel free to click on the "Become a Fan" to receive weekly updates of this column, and you can follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

Taking Back Labor Day- a "Lost Decade" for Youth

2009-09-07T05:59:00.000-07:00

Labor Day has lost its luster as a holiday. First celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City, the day consisted of a parade and celebrations to exhibit "the strength and esprit de corps of the trade and labor organizations." Now the holiday has been downgraded to back yard barbecues and end of the summer getaways. The question is: who is resting on Labor Day? Certainly 15 million American's aren't taking the day off- because they don't have job, as "real unemployment" rates have climbed to 16.8%.

Many of the older generation aren't resting on Labor Day. They can't afford to quit their jobs and retire. And, according to new data, our youth aren't resting either. Nearly one in three workers under age 35 will be laboring on Labor Day, and almost half of them are working more than 40 hours per week. A full 50% do not have family leave time, at an age most likely to be growing a new family, 40% do not have sick leave and 33% don't have any vacation time at all. (AFL/CIO, 2009). Not much "esprit de corp" to celebrate this year.

These grim statistics, and many more, were released in a landmark report called, "Young Workers A Lost Decade" conducted in July 2009 by Peter D. Hart Research Associates for the AFL-CIO and their affiliate Working America. The nationwide survey of 1,156 people follows up on a similar survey the AFL-CIO conducted in 1999.

The survey states; "young workers, (in 1999), were economically insecure, concerned about deteriorating job quality, distrustful of corporate America--and yet stubbornly hopeful about the future. Ten years later, the change is shocking. The status of young workers not only has not improved; its dramatic deterioration is threatening to redefine the norm in job standards. Income, health care, retirement security and confidence in being able to achieve their financial goals are down across the board. Only economic insecurity is up."

An astounding one third of workers age 35 and under live at home with their parents - because they cannot afford housing on their own. Our best and brightest are frozen in place, while simultaneously running in circles. Many can't afford to go to college, yet, those who do have upper level degrees can't find jobs in their field, and are overwhelmed with student loans. Workers age 35 and under can't afford health care, can't get ahead, or save for the future.

AFL/CIO Secretary-Treasurer Richard Trumka summed up the report's findings this way:

"We're calling the report "A Lost Decade" because we're seeing 10 years of opportunity lost as young workers across the board are struggling to keep their heads above water and often not succeeding. They've put off adulthood--put off having kids, put off education--and a full 34 percent of workers under 35 live with their parents for financial reasons."

Check out this short You Tube video clip of young professionals most affected by the economy speaking their minds:

The findings from this study are significant, and deeply distressing. The days of securing a job as a bank teller or in sales; settling down, buying a house and starting a family are over. The upcoming generation will emerge as the first to be worse off than their parents, and something must be done.

I have written previously about how the United States is one of the few countries that does not mandate paid vacation time for workers. We give a nod to Labor Day, but we do not believe in it. Stress related illnesses from our overworked population are the greatest burden on health care, but we do not support any measures for prevention. We complain to our government to fix our problems, but we don't eat properly, exercise and meditate - what's wrong with us anyway?

On Labor Day, while it is important to rest our bodies, we cannot rest in our determination to change the climate and opportunities in the work force. We cannot put our heads in the beach sand and ignore the far reaching implications of the "Lost Decade". It is exactly the fire, imagination and energy of our nation's young professionals that will carry us into a new era of prosperity.

While the outlook looks pretty grim for this bunch, there is a bright side to this group- they are incredibly resilient, creative and interested in service. Our working class, age 35 and under are unusually politically active - at the polls and in civic affairs, and are resoundingly optimistic President Obama can help turn things around for them to move forward as future leaders.

If we can give our youth a little room - they can get the job done. Let's look at the health care reform issue from their perspective. While the politicians are punting sound bytes like Hail Mary's, check out a creative approach in the "SuperMom Healthcare Truth Squad." Picture a bunch of young women donning bright red capes and flocking in major cities across the nation to distribute information about why health care reform will help bring economic security to the nation. Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, founder of MomsRising.org writes,

"why do moms care (about health care reform?) Not only are families struggling with getting children the healthcare coverage they need for a healthy start, but 7 out of 10 women are either uninsured, underinsured, or are in significant debt due to healthcare costs."

Julia Moulden writes about the "New Radicals" who are making money - and making a mark on the world, through social change and empowering disadvantaged workers world wide. Recently, she highlighted a new "30-something" company that helps fund entrepreneurial projects, via mini pledges instead of investors, called Kickstarter.

The original Labor Day was born in during the peak of the Industrial Revolution as a backlash to workers being on the job 12 hours a day, 7 days a week in order to make a basic living. Hmmm. Sound familiar? Let's take back Labor Day for the purpose it was created, and address the basic worker's rights to a decent paying job, health benefits, paid leave time and a positive work environment in which to thrive. And, yes, let's remember to Rest.

A Tribute to Ted Kennedy's Call to Service

2009-08-31T19:46:00.001-07:00

As Senator Kennedy was finally laid to rest yesterday, the weight of his passing hit me much harder than I thought. I can feel the collective heartbreak of losing the last of our royal line. It is as if the round table has finally been broken, and all the knight's swords laid to rest. I am 42 years old, and Ted Kennedy was a state Senator longer than I have been alive. My generation has never known anything else but to live under the legacy of the Kennedy's 'American Camelot' influence. How do we pass this flame of public service to our children, and spark the next generation of leaders?

I think Andy Ostroy said it best in his piece, featured on HuffPo earlier this week:

"Ted Kennedy's contribution to American culture and society can be seen in virtually every historic issue fought in modern American politics, including health care, social security and Medicare, minimum wages, education, immigration, aid for senior citizens, civil rights, voter's rights, women's rights, gay rights and human rights. And he accomplished all this as a gentleman and a respected bi-partisan leader, with civility, grace and humor. A larger-than-life Washington character. Sadly, there's no one to step in and fill his shoes....on either side of the aisle."

I was sobbing listening to Vice President Joe Biden give the best speech of his life remembering his old friend at the memorial service, held at the Kennedy library. He spoke of the countless times Teddy had been there for him, and for so many. Beyond his historic accomplishments, it was in the 'little things' that Senator Kennedy shined his humanity onto all who were in his giant wake and, "makes you want to be better than you are," as Biden said.

The grief floating around America this week has been palpable. We have spent a lifetime grieving again and again with the Kennedy family through the years of unending tragedies. Losing Eunice Kennedy Shriver earlier this month reminded us what a fiery feminist can do; and her gift of the Special Olympics is as a legacy beyond measure. When Maria Shriver spoke at her funeral a few weeks ago, she said her mother would have pounded her fist at the podium - asking what we did today to make the world a better place.

The tenacity, compassion and drive to champion the under privileged moves me to want to be a better citizen, and a better parent. All of the Kennedy siblings, and so many of their children, are working in public service. We may never see such a family again. They had their faults, their mistakes and their issues, just like the rest of us. But there is one thing they did not do: stop or give up.

Senator Joseph Kennedy, Teddy's nephew, reflected on this determination at the memorial.

"He was telling me, never, ever, ever, ever give up. You stay in the race. And if people don't have health care, you stay in the race. If people don't have adequate housing, you stay in the race. If people aren't being treated properly you stay in the race," he said.

In contemplating the death of Eunice and Teddy, I asked my four kids this week, while driving to get school supplies, what we were doing as a family to make the world a better place. The six year old twins slurped their organic juice boxes and gave me a blank stare, while the older ones tossed it around. My 14 year-old son offered up, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?" This seemed to be his attempt to show me the full scale of his Kennedy knowledge.

We finally decided the best way they can "give" to their country, is to develop their character. To try their best, to help someone out that needs it, and to be grateful for what we have. The new generation of children will never know the Kennedy influence. Who is their champion now? Who is going to dare us to be the first to fly to the moon? Who is going to stand up and pound their fist, roar like a lion, and make us want to be better? Where is our fire, our sense of competition, our collective conscience that serving the lesser among us is a right and a responsibility?

The answer for leadership is not just in Barack Obama, although he has the potential - it is in all of us. Everyone must do their part. The current first family is laying the foundations to inspire a new generation in big ways, as well as small ones. From planting an organic garden outside the White House, daring to touch the Queen of England, or encouraging American's to volunteer - the legacy or making a difference does not have to die.

On Memorial Day, the White House offered a call to service, and at the HuffPo, on the right hand side of this page, you can find links for the "All for Good" campaign. Check it out for opportunities to be in service within your zip code as a great way to get your kid's engaged.

Arianna Huffington wrote a fantastic piece earlier this week, reminding us that the national conversation about helping the least among us needs to remain the center of bipartisan attention.

Right now, Kennedy's Health Care Bill is on the precipice, just like the Civil Rights Bill, when JFK was shot. Ted Kennedy introduced the first legislation for health care in 1969, when I was two years old. Let's get it done as a tribute to our favorite family, and revitalize our momentum as a country. Teddy said,

"the dream lives on."

Let's all work together to make sure it does.

5 Tips to Overcome Burnout

2009-08-25T05:03:00.001-07:00

Whew. Things are heating up out there, aren't they? Temperatures are in full summer swelter, political tempers are sky high, and the hurricane season is only just beginning to swirl. I'm almost afraid to turn on the TV, or see what the latest Huff Po headline is breaking. With the intensity boiling in Washington and on Main Street, something's going to give.

Several of our featured contributors have felt the heat, heard the warning bells, and are offering some sound advice on what to do:

Dr. Judith Rich posted a hilarious blog addressing some of the tensions of the times in her piece: "From Birthers to Death Panels: Blame it on August." I like that one, pointing the finger is always fun. Dr. Cara Barker also has noted the rising tensions in her piece "Town Halls: 7 Tips for Handling Conflict"

Karen Leland offered her: "8 Steps For Cooling Down Your Anger"

Jason Mannino posted a great piece on the "7 Tips to Maintain Energy While Doing the Job of Four People" and wrote: "I am witnessing severe burn-out and heightened levels of exhaustion and frustration."

Clearly the stress barometer in our country, and around the world, is escalating. The reaction to the recession has moved from shock and fear, into anger and rage. The honeymoon of President Obama's 100 days has evaporated into gun carrying dog fights, screaming matches, and the high hopes of "Yes We Can" have deteriorated into, "Is This Ever Going to End?"

Research shows that some stress is important in our lives. It keeps us on our toes, helps to strive toward goals, and makes us feel alive. The hormones related to feeling stressed are designed to get us out of danger - like a fire or enemy attack. Yet the body will also surge adrenaline when driving down the highway and some jerk cuts you off. Stress hormones are not selective - they activate whether the threat is perceived or real. We are not meant to be living with the pedal to the metal 24/7 - and we are pushing our proverbial panic buttons far more than is healthy to maintain.

If stress continues to operate at full scale for an extended period of time, there is an increased risk of burnout. What is burnout? I have taught classes on stress and burnout, with Ceridian development experts who define burnout as: "a constant depletion of mental, physical and emotional energy - without expected or real needs being met."

Burnout is a normal response to putting out too much effort, without taking in what you need to balance and restore yourself. Signs of burnout include feeling overwhelmed with things that used to be exciting, thinking work or personal problems will never end, or having a pit in your stomach of constant dread. When too much of life is draining and not enough is fulfilling, a sense of hopelessness creeps in.

How many of you feel burned out at the end of the day? Studies show well over half of us do- in a steady economy. I have not yet found data for the increase in numbers of disability cases related to burnout and stress. Burnout happens with over commitment, or unrealistic expectations that lead to a feeling of powerlessness or hopelessness. Periods of stress can last for a while without long term affects, but burnout is a more serious and chronic condition. The good news: burnout is preventable - if warning signs are recognized, and actions taken to reverse the cycle.

Some of the physical symptoms of burnout are: low energy, muscle tension, headaches, digestive disorders, frequent colds, or changes in sleep patterns. Mentally, symptoms include feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, loss of meaning, bored, frustrated, sad, irritable, unappreciated or trapped. The outcomes of these symptoms can include withdrawal, increased sick days, accidents, crying or increased used of alcohol or food to self soothe.

Burnout is a cycle of negative emotions, withdrawal and paralysis. Getting out of a crash course with burnout requires putting your hands back on the steering wheel, realigning with your personal vision, surrounding yourself with support, and making time for humor.

Here are a few tips for reducing burnout:

Clear the Clutter- both in your office and in your head: One of the first steps is echoed in the uprising of personal organizers- clear the clutter! There must be a reason that helping people organize their "stuff" has become a recognized and valued profession. The clutter of emails, paperwork, projects and obsessive to do lists, increases stress, and is an easy place to start. There is a great relief to tackling one small project, when the world seems overwhelming.

Stop Eating Crap - Believe me, when I am stressed out, Snickers bars and Starbucks are my best friend. It is hard to cozy up to a chopped salad and lemon water, but your body will thank you for it later.

Walk- How many of us take about 15 minutes to park at the grocery store circling round and round to get a spot right up front? Jeez. Park in the back, walk a bit during lunch, get up a few minutes early and walk around the block. Nothing strenuous, just breathe some fresh air and clear the mental cobwebs.

Take a One Minute Vacation!- This is one of my favorites as a stress management tool that can be done literally anywhere- in your car at the beginning and end of each day, in the elevator before meeting the boss, or at your desk before answering a rousing email.

Here's how it works: close your eyes and think of your absolute most favorite vacation spot - it can be a lovely white sand beach, a gorgeous mountain path by a stream, or rocking on a chair at the family's cabin in the woods. Choose a spot and sharpen it's image in your mind's eye. Check out all the details you may not have remembered. Now turn on the sound: notice what background noises are present in this place. How about the sensation of the temperature on your skin? How does it feel to fully surround yourself with a favorite place?

Once all the "dials" have been set, give yourself a full 60 seconds to enjoy it - literally set a timer on your watch or cell phone! I guarantee if you try this exercise at home, you will be amazed at how LONG one minute actually feels. I have taught this many times, and afterwards, everyone blinks their eyes as if they had a long sleep, yawns, stretches and have a softness to their faces - it works!

Burnout Management for the Girls vs. the Boys: new research in brain development show that men and women react to stress differently. Men usually respond with the classic "fight or flight" response, and can reduce stress by engaging in some sort of activity. Cleaning out the garage, fixing a broken appliance or taking a long bike ride are classic examples of letting off some steam.

For women, finding ways to trigger oxytocin is the fastest way to reduce symptoms of stress, rather than the "fight or flight" tricks, they need more of the "tend and befriend." Women often need to talk, sort, clean, cook, or nurture in some way to feel balanced and calm.

If you have a friend who appears to be on the fast track to burnout- be compassionate. Lend a hand, offer to help. We're all in this together and our country has too much on the line to lose momentum, or hope.

Reviving the Dinner Party and "Serial Socializing"

2009-08-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

Ask yourself this question: what percentage of time do you spend communicating with friends in person, vs. IM, Tweet, email or text? Has it shrunk considerably in the last few years? Finding yourself 'too busy' to get together? Creating and maintaining quality and lasting friendships is a challenge these days. I have a whole pile of books on my desk touting the importance of social relationships as key to our health, but how do we find the time?

How about this question: when is the last time you invited someone over to your house for dinner? According to Jeanne Martinet, author Life Is Friends - A Complete Guide to the Lost Art of Connecting in Person, reviving the dinner party is a key to putting our wheels back on track to a proper social life. She claims it is much more intimate than a restaurant, will keep you smiling for a week, and is the fastest way to deepen connections with those people you would like to know better.

Her book is funny, light, and practical - filled with reassurance that most of us have a 'virtual' social life or a 'sound byte' social life, as well as tips on getting over hosting phobia, initiating adult style 'play dates' with new friends, and embracing the ebb and flow of friendships.

I had a chance to speak with Martinet this week. A hard core New Yorker, Martinet noticing that most of her friends were "socially regressing" by spending too much time networking online, less time in person, and operating under a fear that having friends over means hosting a gourmet blow out ala Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray. She said her favorite dinner party recently included chili and Sara Lee cheesecake -simple and easy.

"Our increasing social isolation feels like we've all 'gone to our rooms' and stayed there," said Martinet. "And yet, like children, the way to make a friend is to go to each other's houses and play. In the beginning it takes some effort to focus on having friends over. It feels weird, but eventually you get addicted to it."
Here are Martinet's tips from her book on how to get over "hosting phobia": 1. Invite People 2. Buy Food 3. Clear off the dining room table/move laundry off the piano 4. Make sure there is enough booze 5. Get dressed (I often forget this last one)
I can relate to hosting phobia. I hate to clean, am comfortable with messes here and there, and do not have a lot of elegant dining room regalia. I tried some of the fancy style dinner parties and nearly worked myself into frenzy. I cannot bake - at all. I even manage to screw up rolls of pre-made chocolate chip cookies. Once I tried to make gourmet chocolate bird cage cookies for a fundraiser, and they ended up looking like delicate piles of dog poo.

It is now the running joke that Kari cannot bake, and I get around my messy habits by hosting a lot of outdoor backyard parties pot luck style. We bring pizza, lots of beer, and the laughter is easy. Then I only have to clean the bathroom.

After mastering the art of having friends over to dinner, it is time to "go steady." Serial Socializing is the next, and one of the most important steps, to developing a true sense of belonging in your community, and to ease the ache of loneliness. Some people take vacations with the same families every year, some have a monthly poker club, others have coffee every week - the key is to create a routine with the same faces that can extend into the future.

Dr. Cara Barker, a fellow Huff Po featured contributor, created her own form of serial socializing by starting "Sunday Gatherings" at her house. They went on for years and offered wonderful memories for all. There is something particularly calming, rewarding and inspiring in having a group of people who come together regularly. Everyone knows each other's histories, quirks, and inside jokes. The warm feelings after these gatherings are like a slow release anti-depressant; with memories to savor, and anticipation for the next time.

Not sure how to get started with some serial socializing? Try to find a way to socially engage in three categories: daily, weekly and monthly. Each takes a slightly different focus and each offer its own rewards.

Daily: set a goal to make a heartfelt connection to at least one person each day that you do not normally run into. 'Reach Out and Touch Someone' - via email, phone call or in person. Think of this as a chance to check in, ask how they are, and offer help if it is needed. When you extend a hand, the return is always there. Maybe someone you know just had a baby, or lost a relative, or is feeling blue.

Weekly: find a small group of people you enjoy and make a weekly commitment to get together. For the social types, try coffee once a week. For athletic types, take a walk, jog or yoga class together. For the spiritual types, try a weekly meditation group to keep everyone relaxed, centered and connected. Make it short- one to two hours, so it is easy to keep the commitment.

Monthly: join or develop a group that may be a bit larger, that shares a common interest. Maybe it is a book club with a twist, a motorcycle riding group, a social action group, a 'going green' group, poetry slam, or a poker night. Monthly gatherings are often the easiest to schedule, and to maintain long term.

Think of each of these social commitments as individual roots you are planting in the ground, and as something sacred to cherish. Our lives are marked by the connections we have, not the accomplishments of our careers. Battling loneliness requires sacrificing time that could be spent elsewhere, but the payoffs are worth it.

Martinet described the comforting routine of serial socializing to be like a security blanket in the ever-changing configurations of our lives. "Think of it as one long dinner party, broken up by your life."

Unlimited Vacation Days, Dogs at Work and Pet Projects- Innovations in the Workplace

2009-08-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

For those of you who follow my posts, I have been writing about vacations - and our attitudes about taking time off. Two weeks ago I explored America's poor report card on paid vacations (here) and last week I wrote about our personal challenges with being busy, and turning off the noise when we have a chance to get away. (here.)

The United States ranks far behind other countries in offering vacation time, and millions never use the time accrued. Taking off the month of August for "holiday," like the Europeans, will never fly in the US. Yet, leave it to Americans to come up with some interesting innovations in the work force that are redefining vacation time, as well as improving daily work environments.

At a hearing on July 23rd, the congressional Joint Economic Committee reported that among employers with more than 1,000 workers, there has been a 25 percent increase in flexibility programs. Clearly, in the recession, offering flextime, compressed work weeks, and telecommuting is the best way to save jobs. As the workforce continues to technologically evolve, more employees are able to complete their work from remote locations. The upside of this trend, is an increased flexibility to bring work home and not feel 'chained to a desk.' The downside of working from home, is finding the discipline to walk away now and then for a much needed break

Ultimately, how we take, and how we use our vacation time, is a matter of personal responsibility. Beyond the concept of flex time, some trendsetting companies are tossing out the HR manual altogether - eliminating any sort of set vacation days, sick days or personal days. Employees simply take off what they need, as long as their work is getting done. Sound crazy?

This innovative concept is being implemented quite successfully. Some of the leaders in this "open vacation policy" are Best Buy with their "ROWE" policy, which stands for "Results Only Work Environment" allowing their 4,000 staff to work anywhere, anytime - as long as their work is completed. Imagine the possibilities! To further inspire their staff, Best Buy has just started a "venture citizen fund." Employees are invited to submit social change ideas for creative and financial consideration by the company.

So smart. Let's face it, if you feel valued, are able to take time off, and are encouraged to serve the planet, why would you work anywhere else?

Netflix is another trendsetter, with an "unpolicy" that does not require staff to take allotted days off. Their HR department does not keep track of vacations, tardiness or sick days and still manages to be one of the most successful companies of the past few years. Netflix Chief Executive Reed Hastings, says traditional means of keeping track of employees time are "a relic of the industrial age."

"The worst thing is for a manager to come in and tell me: `Let's give Susie a huge raise because she's always in the office.' What do I care? I want managers to come to me and say: `Let's give a really big raise to Sally because she's getting a lot done' - not because she's chained to her desk."

One in three Americans don't use all the vacation time they have earned, and barely one in 10 takes a break for two weeks straight, according to the non-profit research firm Families and Work Institute. But at Netflix, it's estimated that most employees take off about 25 to 30 days per year, using the time to stay at home, take a vacation, or work on pet projects.

Besides trends in time off, how about innovations in the quality of our time at work? With increased pressures, what can be done within the work environment to offset the daily grind? Google operates with the sound belief that individual passions can become a great asset to the company's growth. With this in mind, they offer all engineers a "20% policy", where employees can use 20% of their work week, (which is about one full work day) for special projects outside of everyday responsibilities. The new product Google News is a result of this 20% program.

Small businesses are under tremendous pressure, yet with creativity, they can also be wonderful places to work and grow. I spoke with Tami Simon, CEO of Sounds True about some of her highly acclaimed, yet simple, management philosophies. Simon founded the company in 1985 with a mission to disseminate spiritual wisdom. Starting out with an idea and a tape recorder, the company has grown into a multimedia publishing company with more than 80 employees, a library of more than 600 titles featuring some of the leading teachers and visionaries of our time, and customers from around the world.

Simon admits it is harder to create flexibility in the workplace for a smaller staff.

"As a for-profit company in today's economy, it is simply impractical for unlimited time off. However, I think the key is how we can work together to find creative solutions."

For example, one of the staff who had worked at Sounds True for seven years, wanted to take three months off for an extended maternity leave. Simon reflected on the dillema.

"I knew it would be hard for three months, then I realized: would I want to have a staff member in the office that is not present and available? This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for them, so we made it work - with a combination of vacation time, unpaid leave time, and time she spent training a contract person to work in her place."

To increase daily "sanity," Simon has a meditation room on site for staff, and encourages dog owners to bring their pets to work. With a staff of 80, about 20 dogs are roaming the office at any given time.

"The dogs give us something to care for," Simon explained." They need to go out for a walk, which is kind of like an old fashioned equivalent to a smoking break!"

During staff meetings, everyone at Sounds True start with a moment of silence, followed by a short personal 'check in,' before starting the business at hand. Simon explained why this practice has made such a difference:

"People may think to themselves, 'taking a minute- what does that do?' But during that time of quiet, we can all become much more present, and we don't feel like the day is one long sentence. It provides a feeling of punctuation."

Simon concludes: "I want to make work life something that does not take the life out of us, but is a place that let's us take life back in."

Let's hear it readers! Do you have any innovative stories to tell from the workplace? How do you find the time to rejuvenate yourself- either on site or off? Always love to hear your comments. Be sure to hear more about this subject on Monday morning on NPR's "The Takeaway" radio show, where I will be a featured guest.

Are We Obsessed with Being Busy?

2009-07-26T05:05:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact this summer has been filled with searing economic pains, deaths of too many, crazy weather disasters and money laundering scandals, warm temperatures beget a yearning to slow down. An agrarian throwback, summer is supposed to be a time to relax, enjoy a meal outdoors, have a few friends over, or nap in a hammock. In my last post, of "Why American's are the Worst Vacationers" I explored our reluctance to truly unwind.

While we may want to slow down, most of us cannot shut the madness off. It is as if our collective CPU's are running on overdrive, and our brains are whirring like the fans behind the home computer on a hot day. We are working harder, faster and without stopping for so long, the idea of just shutting down is barely comprehensible.

Have you ever noticed the typical answer to the question, "How are you?" has shifted from "I'm fine" to something like; "Fine... but busy." Busy. The word flies around like the black flies in my kitchen. Being busy has become something of an expectation, a badge of honor. If you're NOT busy, you must either be a loser, or in a slump.

According to a survey of 6,500 executives, conducted for Sheraton Hotels and reported in the Daily News (9/15/08): 85% of professionals feel compelled to be on call around the clock, occasionally get up in the middle of the night to check their e-mails, 87% bring their BlackBerrys into the bedroom at night, and 84% check their e-mail right before going to sleep.

Aside from work, we have created a great pressure to be "busy" filling the social calendar. Arrangements for lunch, coffee, drinks and exercise have replaced just strolling over to the neighbor's to hang out for a couple of hours. Today, more American's are living alone than ever before, and the protocol for "dropping in" has shifted from the norm to downright rude. Everyone is "too busy" to be bothered with an unexpected guest.

Today's families operate with "busy" as standard fare. From infants on, each day is broken into segments filled with "something to do." There are baby fun centers all over the country just for toddlers. As they grow, most 3-5 year olds are scheduled with several activities that sets a pace, and an expectation to be busy. It never lets up through the school years. In fact, residents in my town are fighting to change a policy that does not allow middle school children any time for recess during the day. Clearly the school supports "busy" too. At what price?

The allure of being engaged and busy is seductive - yet living in a chronic state unravels our emotional equilibrium and puts our health at risk. Barbara Ehrenreich, in her essay "The Cult of Busyness," said that being busy has become the new status symbol, more than cars, homes, clothes, or money. Admitting you don't like busy must mean you are depressed. And, if you stop being busy, you may just have to face deeper feelings of loneliness or isolation.

Dr.'s Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz have a new book called, The Lonely American- Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century. The married pair of therapists has found many of their clients are coming to them with a powerful experience of loneliness, yet it is a state they barely recognize, and are reluctant to share, as if it were somehow shameful. It is more acceptable to be depressed than to be lonely-yet loneliness appears to be the inevitable byproduct of our frenetic contemporary lifestyle.

"Americans in the 21st Century devote more technology to staying connected than any society in history, yet somehow the devices fail us: studies show that we feel increasingly alone," they write. "Unfortunately, talking about loneliness in America is deeply stigmatized; we see ourselves as a self-reliant people who do not whine about neediness."
Olds and Schwartz continue; "People in our society drift away from social connections because of both a push and a pull. The push is the frenetic, overscheduled, hypernetworked intensity of modern life. The pull is the American pantheon of self-reliant heroes who stand apart from the crowd. As a culture, we all romanticize standing apart and long to have destiny in our hands. But as individuals, each of us hates feeling left out."

I struggle with being busy vs. being burned out on a regular basis. I like to drive fast, eat fast, read fast, type fast and can multi-task with the best of them. When I finally do stop, I often walk around in circles, trying to figure out what to 'do' with myself! Sound familiar?

The only way to have enough energy to properly develop those connections is to get off the merry-go-round and slow life down. There is even a whole, "slow movement" - complete with categories like slow cities, slow food, slow schools and slow money. Think Italy...ahhh.

The founders of Slow Movement recognize the trend of being to busy as "time poverty," and write,

"We are searching for connection. We want connection to people - ourselves, our family, our community, our friends, - to food, to place (where we live), and to life. We want connection to all that it means to live - we want to live a connected life."

While going slow may not be completely appealing, I ran across a word recently that I love: "Downshifting." It has been drifting through my mind quite regularly. The whole idea is desirable in a deeply primal way. I could potentially see idling down from 5th gear to 4th now and then. Tracey Smith started a movement for downshifting, and promotes a "National Downshifting Week" every Spring. Downshifters are those trying to recover from a credit crunch, live more sustainably or consciously spend less in order to have more time with the ones they love.

Like any fast car, downshifting cannot happen all at once. No one goes screaming down the highway at 90 mph and then throws it into first. Downshifting requires one gear at a time. How can all of us downshift just one gear this week? Here's some ideas:

- Make a meal at home instead of eating out.
- Make a point not to check emails after 6pm and dust off a book.
- Go for a long walk before work- even if you get a little sweaty...
- Let the house get a little disheveled
- Use some of that vacation time and take a half day off.

Why American's Are the Worst Vacationers

2009-07-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, summer's here, and with it come trips to the beach, bar-be-ques, fireworks and vacations. Been on a vacation yet this summer? How was it? Did you come back feeling rested and refreshed? Good for you. Or, did you get swept up into a modern 'American-style' vacation: unable to forget about work, anxiety about email pile-up, tweeting every moment as it happened, and returning home wiped out, cranky and desperate to get back to the desk and routine? Taking time to unwind is hard enough, and knowing how to unwind properly is another matter.

What has happened to our vacations? We work all year, and save up our hard earned dollars for a getaway, only to spend far more money than we intended, race around, and get annoyed with each other. For families, the trends are mega watt destinations like Disney, Great Wolf Lodges or all inclusive resorts with constant stimulation, plenty of places to burn cash, and little in unstructured relaxation or spontaneous adventure.

Many are not able to take a vacation at all this summer - can't afford it. Sadly, these are often the times we need it the most. A vacation can be created with very little money; the commodity we are all lacking is time. Whether the job doesn't allow it, or workers are afraid to leave; Americans take fewer vacations than most other countries, and the ones we do take are getting busier, more expensive and consumer driven. Are we the worst vacationers in the developed world?

Only 14% of Americans took two weeks of vacation last year, and the number of Americans taking family vacations has dropped by a third in the past generation. The price we pay, by not getting away to unwind, is huge on our physical health, relationships, and emotional sense of well being.

Why are we reluctant as a culture, to support taking time off? Are vacations too costly to our GNP? Turns out job stress and burnout is said to cost our country over $300 billion per year. Our European friends have managed to compete in the modern era while continuing to take their month long "holiday"- are they just slackers?

As much as we'd like to think so, the answer is, no. The level of productivity per worker is the same, or slightly higher that ours, despite the fact they work 300 fewer hours per year. Europeans spend half the amount on health care as the US. They are requiring less health care, partly because Europeans are 50% less likely to have heart disease, hypertension or diabetes before age 50 than Americans.

Rethinking the importance of time off yet? Vacations are not just luxuries, or pithy pastimes for the rich. Statistics are showing that other countries who take regular vacations are happier, and live longer than we do. In 1980, people in only 10 other countries lived longer than we do. Now, people in 41 other countries live longer. Wow. That's a pretty compelling reason to make sure that all Americans are getting some R&R, and that we learn how to truly "get away."

As a matter of fact, 137 other countries are ahead of us in guaranteeing at least some vacation time. We have none. Zero. No required vacation time or paid holidays. According to the Center for Economic and Policy Research, 28 million Americans -- or about a quarter of the work force -- don't get any paid vacation. We are the veritable Ebenezer Scrooge of the world for R&R. At a minimum, every European worker is guaranteed four weeks paid vacation by law; most get six or more.

Fortunately, there is a new bill, called the H.R. 2564: THE PAID VACATION ACT OF 2009, introduced by Congressman Alan Grayson, to offer one week of paid vacation time for companies with over 100 workers, increasing to two weeks after three years, for all employees working at least 25 hours per week. Grayson proposes more vacation will stimulate the economy through fewer sick days, better productivity and happier employees.

Keep in mind seven days is modest, compared to the required 20-30 days of vacation time required in Europe and Australia. Canada and Japan offer 10 days minimum to start. According to an article in Politico, "the United States is dead last among 21 industrial countries when it comes to mandatory R&R."

John de Graaf is the national coordinator of Take Back Your Time, an organization challenging time poverty and overwork in the U.S. and Canada, and is a frequent speaker on issues of overwork and over-consumption in America. DeGraaf is fighting to make sure this bill is seen, understood, and pushed to pass to President Obama's desk. He is hosting the first national "Vacation Matters Summit" conference on August 10-12 at Seattle University.

DeGraff states on his site, "A new poll finds that more than two-thirds of Americans support a law that would guarantee paid vacations for workers. The poll found 69% of Americans saying they would support a paid vacation law, with the largest percentage of respondents favoring a law guaranteeing three weeks vacation or more. Take Back Your Time advocates for three weeks paid vacation or more."

Supposedly, the "idea" for advocating for paid vacation time came to Senator Grayson when we was at Disney World. He said,

"there's a reason why Disney World is the happiest place on Earth: The people who go there are on vacation."

He went on to admit that,

"as much as I appreciate this job and as much as I enjoy it, the best days of my life are and always have been the days I'm on vacation."

I found this rather funny and ironic. While Disney is an amazing place, I am not sure it is the ultimate place for a relaxing vacation. I believe there are two types of vacations these days. One type is to "see-do-buy." Enchanted by ads with pyramid water slides, entertainment and activities, these vacations clock a mile-a-minute pace, and usually run a hefty bill. They are fun for sure, but I am not convinced they provide the type of deep unwinding our bodies require to combat stress and fatigue. Our family has taken several of these vacations, and by the end, I am ready for a break!

The other type of vacation is just to "be," with plenty of time to read, sleep, walk, and downshift. The recession is creating an interesting vacation trend this summer- a huge spike in camping trips and visits to National Parks. Cheap, full of fresh air and untold beauty, a trip like this is sure to help gain perspective on what matters, exercise the body, and offer time for more thoughtful conversations than, "Dad, can I have a few more tokens?" A national park, local hike or gazing at scenes of natural beauty, is a key component to unhook our nerves and reset the proverbial clock for any age, single, young couples, families, or retired.

I asked about the difference between consumer vs. natural vacations to Bill Doherty, the Director of the Citizen Professional Center, and Professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota. He said,

"Given the trend towards shorter and shorter vacations, it does seem to be the case that American families are packing in more activities into shorter time periods: fly to Disney World, run around for several days, and fly home. That's different from the traditional long road trips and the trips to the ocean where they family holed up for a couple of weeks. The biggest benefits from family vacations come from down time and family members entertaining themselves, not from crowded entertainment schedules and consumer festivals. It's kind of like the difference between a family dinner at home and a quick trip to McDonald's."

Moral of the story? If you believe vacations should be required, write to your local congressional leaders and express your support. Then, carve out a little sunshine for yourself, spread out a blanket, close your eyes and relax. Think of it as your own personal stimulus package.

Asking for Help- the Other Side of Volunteering

2009-07-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

I heard a wise phrase the other day: "in every moment, you are either serving or being served." The give and take, or giving and receiving, is a constant balance of life. How often to you serve others, and how often do you allow others to serve you? Is it easier for you to give than to receive?

In my last column, I asked the question of "Why Don't We Volunteer?" And issued a Dare to Care as a means to challenge all of us to get out of our routine, and lend a hand to help support President Obama's United We Serve campaign. Today, I'd like to explore the topic of volunteering from a larger perspective. The other side of volunteering is asking for help. Today, more and more Americans need help - in big ways and small, and asking...... well, is not so easy.

I stumbled across a fantastic example of this blend of giving and receiving, in William Brandon Shanley's grassroots company: Give, Get, Share. His slogan is a mathematical equation: +Give -Get = Share. His site claims,

"We're a gifts and wishes pool. We match resources with needs. We organize goods, services, people power, brainpower, and the indomitable human spirit and make them available to everyone for free. As a public service. To help people. To enhance life. To save the Earth."

This site is undergoing a retooling to make it even more user friendly. Shanley said, "Give Get Share is about values fulfillment of knowledge, inspiration, professional services or the arts. You can be a millionaire in Miami and be lonely, and ashamed of your loneliness. But to a family of five, who are needing a grandparent, it is a gift."

Currently, there are more Americans living alone than any time in history. According to the General Social Survey from Duke University, 25% of Americans have had no one to discuss important life matters with in the last six months. The idea of success being tied to self reliance is strong, and asking for help is a sign of weakness - at what cost to us all?

President Obama has declared there are "too many jobs lost," with unemployment rates climbing ever higher. When the statistic becomes a reality, the emotions of frustration, anger, shame, depression and fear preclude the ability to access resources needed to maneuver through the tidal waves. "There's nothing anyone can do," is the easy answer. Yet, maybe someone can lend a hand, pitch in, make you laugh, and ease the burden just a tiny bit - if you just ask.

Greg Cortopassi, founder of Launch Your Dreams, is a career and life coach, who offers the idea of service as a 'life skill' that has to be exercised like a muscle; and the act of contributing and receiving is something we are always doing. The better we become at serving, and allowing ourselves to be served, the greater our capacity for joy in life.

"Many people view the idea of service or contribution as something that comes from a feeling of guilt or obligation to their work, families or communities. Most people perceive that they are just not the "volunteer types," don't get involved unless they have to, and then the act of serving is half-hearted," he explained. "If we hold a perspective that anyone on our path is an opportunity to serve, then it doesn't become conditional or loaded. On the flip side, if we can't receive when someone or something is trying to serve us, it also blocks the flow."

There is a balance in serving and being served. Some of us are better at one than another. Here's a simple example. If someone pays you a compliment, how often are you tempted to either discount it, or quickly offer another one back as a hot potato toss? Come on, admit it. One of those, 'You look great today,' followed by an instant: 'thanks, so do you!' Someone was making an attempt to serve, in a simple and lovely way. Why is it so hard to simply say, "Thank you," and receive?

The fear of opening our hearts to others, being vulnerable, being 'seen' is one of the culprits to the rising feelings of loneliness, isolation and disconnection in the United States. Despite the assurances the recession is slowing down, many folks on Main Street have not seen the tidal waters receding, and the riptides are moving the shoreline farther and farther out of reach. When people are flailing to stay above water, asking for help is not always on the top of their minds. People are losing their homes, downsizing, coping with job loss, holding off on college and giving up stress relieving vacations.

It is time to move aside the fabricated curtain of "everything's fine" syndrome. The other side of volunteering is allowing someone to help you, to keep you company, to care about you. This weekend, we are celebrating our nation's birthday. Every American is a star on the flag. Every stripe binds and connects us together. Our nation became the mighty power it is by individuals taking turns serving one another, and being served in turn.

As we blow out the candles on our nation's birthday cake, consider: How do you serve your country each day? Do you respect and care for the environment that surrounds us? Do you participate in civic duties? Do you support local businesses and buy American made products? It feels good to serve, so find a way to do so that seems right to you, and be conscious of your action.

How do you serve your fellow Americans? Do you know someone who is coping with cancer, lost a job, or is down and out, who could use a hug, a kind word or a referral for a job lead? Serving them in turn serves our country, and helps you forget about your own troubles for awhile.

How does our country serve you each day? Do you enjoy full access to topics from Iran to Michael Jackson without fear of retribution? Do you enjoy the free speech and citizen journalism of places like the Huff Po? Do you walk the streets freely, without seeing machine gun clad military patrols? How about walking into a grocery story with 200 different kinds of cereal to choose from? Take a moment to reflect, and just to receive. To say, "thank you" for all the goods and services that are so readily available in this nation of bounty.

How have your fellow American's served you? Have you been touched by someone or something that took you by surprise? Have you felt truly supported by your co-workers, neighbors or friends when you really needed help? Take a moment to gather in your mind the faces of the ones you love. Inwardly thank them for serving you, even if you forgot to acknowledge their actions. Every hand counts, as we come together this Independence Day holiday, and a chain is much stronger than a single link.

Why Don't We Volunteer? The Dare to Care

2009-06-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

Get Involved! Volunteer! This administration's determination to address recession fallout spans beyond the reach of bail out dollars, and into old fashioned barn-raising, with a passionate call to service. The United We Serve campaign challenges all Americans to make a difference by doing "good" in their communities for 81 days, from June 22 -- September 11 and beyond.

"Make Volunteerism and community service part of your daily life, and part of the life of this nation," invites President Obama, "And I mean everyone."

It sounds good, right? But wait! I can hear the excuses buzzing already: "Well, umm, ahh, you know, the new episodes of WipeOut are coming on, work is so busy, summer is hectic, and money is tight - I just can't get involved." Sound familiar? Why don't we volunteer?

Here are some of the top reasons:
Not feeling qualified- "I don't know what to do."

Worried you will be sucked into paying a lot of money-"I can't afford to donate."

Afraid it will take too much time- "I am over committed right now as it is."

I have small kids and can't get away- "My giving bone is stretched to the max."

Not knowing where to go or what cause moves you- "Soup kitchens are not my thing."

Maybe we don't volunteer because of the WIFFM (What's In It For Me?) factor. Here's a reframe: does feeling happier, more contented and satisfied with your life intrigue you at all? Plenty of studies have shown those who volunteer actually have improved health, and trigger the same dopamine pleasure bath as when we eat our favorite foods or have sex with the one we love.

Yet most of us walk down the streets, lattes in hand, self-absorbed in our tweets and general activism apathy. Despite compelling evidence, I highly doubt swarms will start filling the streets with t-shirted volunteers, just because the President says we should. We have to feel a calling. We have to be pulled. Bottom line, we have to care.

Maybe Obama understands this, and created this volunteer "challenge" to get us out of the drone zone, and rolling up the proverbial sleeves. A fantastic start -- are you moving yet? Obama may call it United We Serve, but I am going to put out a "Dare to Care." Come on, give your time to someone or something that needs help this summer- I dare you!

Craig Newmark (founder of Craigslist), Google, UCLA, YouTube and others have collaborated on a web site called All For Good to help Americans overcome our volunteer objections, and make it happen in a big way. If you don't feel qualified, you will quickly see that even picking up trash counts, and any toddler would be proud to join in. Many options do not require any money, and even a small amount of time makes a huge difference. The site offers categories of potential interest, like Nature, Education and Health, with direct links to local opportunities in your neighborhood. No more excuses!

Here's some of the WIIFY (What's In It For You) in volunteering:

Meeting people you never would have met. Volunteering offers a vital experience of putting roots in the ground. Feeling a part of something larger than ourselves can transcend the heavy emotions of isolation and loneliness -- even once a month makes a difference.

Gaining Perspective on Your Own Troubles. No matter how hard life can be, there is always someone worse off than you are. Getting out of our personal mire for a while is healthy and therapeutic.

Having Fun! A non-profit in my area recently held a gigantic tag sale to raise urgent last minute funds, as well as to put household items in the hands of those who need them. Our format was unique: nothing had price tags, and no haggling. Everything was to be taken at will, and donations given by choice. Guess what? We raised far more than we imagined, and everyone walked away feeling good about it. Was it a lot of work? Yes. The volunteers were exhausted sorting mountains of stuff, eating cold pizza for dinner, drinking wine in paper cups, and all the while laughing our heads off. Who won? We all did.

If formal volunteering is not possible or of interest, does this mean you can't "dare to care?" How a about applying the President's challenge towards the daily with our families, friends, neighbors and co-workers? Make each day an opportunity to connect with someone in pain, lend a hand before being asked, or spread some joy in the daily doldrums.

Here's how you can be in service every day, without joining any organization at all:

Deliver dinner to a friend or neighbor in need; even a rotisserie chicken and bread is great.

Offer to baby sit a new mom's kids for an afternoon, and give her20 for a manicure and a Starbucks.

Mail a card once a week with a heart-felt message. After all no one sends anything to us 'snail mail' any more.

I would like to attribute this last idea to Bill, a stranger from Puget Island, WA, who sent me a card, out of the blue, this month. I was sure it was junk mail. Inside, Bill wrote that he read a few of my columns, and told me to "keep it up - you are doing important and good work." Bill tries to send a card every single day to someone who has touched his life, and ended the card with, "I know it sounds kinda goofy, but it helps me flourish and spreads gratitude."

I loved the simple idea of sending a card to a stranger. That is daring to care. That is a call to service. That is volunteering to make a difference in someone's life. Am I someone in need? Sure, I'm human, and we all need each other.

Marilyn Mock is someone who "Dared to Care," in a big way last year, when she saw a sobbing woman about to lose her house at a foreclosure auction. Gripped by fate, something made her raise her hand, and win the bid for $30K. Marilyn then turned around, and gave the house back to the crying stranger, assuring her to repay as she could. That single act has transformed Marilyn's life into creating a non-profit to help thousands of others called The Foreclosure Angel Foundation.